Women being told to smile

[EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon]

I don’t know if it’s just me, but there seem to have been so many posts on here recently where women are being adjured to deal with people who are being shitty to them/others by means of accompanying assertive actions with a ‘big smile’ or words to that effect. AIBU to think this is not a million miles away from all the ‘don’t look so miserable,’ ‘be more approachable’, ‘cheer up luv, might never ‘appen’ bollocks we are subjected to on a daily basis?

I’m not naive and I realise that a smile can work to defuse a situation, and I’m not talking about any situations where a person could be in danger. In that scenario, obviously, we have to employ whatever tactics might work, including smiling. But more often, I believe, it comes across as ingratiating, like we are apologising for the fact that we are asserting ourselves, which undermines the message. Either that, or it can appear manipulative, with a sort of 1950s ‘smile brightly at hubby, girls, and you’ll get that new set of pans you’ve set your heart on’ vibe. It’s depressing.

Seriously, can we imagine men being given this same advice? I can’t. But heaven forbid a woman should ever behave in a manner that could be perceived as unfriendly - oh no, we must be smiling at all times or else we shouldn’t expect to get results because no one likes a lady who's a crosspatch, do they? 🙄

Why do we do/accept this, much less try to impose it on others? It’s 2024, not 1954, and no, women do not owe other people a smiling countenance at all time. AIBU to think it doesn’t hurt to interrogate this notion that if women want to get results they must smile?

I disagree – I think, as you say, it's either used to effectively diffuse, or to present a manner that is clear that someone is not getting to you. I have never (or rarely) read advice on here that suggest words are delivered with a smile in a seriously fucked up situation. And yes, I think the above advice readily applies to men also.

I take it to mean: be confident and impervious and don't let them get to you. So it's maybe more about the individual and how they feel rather than presenting themselves to be perceived in a certain way. Although totally agree this is not something I can imagine men being advised. I also hate the "cheer up luv" dictate. On balance, YANBU. Rather than "big smile" may I suggest double bird flip.😑

I agree with you. I don’t owe anyone ‘smiley’. It’s not even a ‘getting stuff done’ thing. Look at male and female author photographs on novels — this essay includes a funny extract from Lily King’s writers and Lovers about how male author photos are ‘I might have to kill you if you don’t buy this’ or ‘my deep thoughts hurt me’, while women’s are ‘often apologetically smiley: ‘I’m a successful, published author, but I’m also a really nice, unthreatening person!’

https://humanparts.medium.com/the-fraught-female-author-photo-experience-d8e98d975a2

I love that! I've read the Lily King book and recognised the quotes, I think they're bang on. I'm also an aspiring novelist which made this a particularly interesting read.

Hmm ... the advice may apply in principle, but how often would we hear a man being advised to handle a difficult situation with a smile - or indeed applying that advice? Obviously it happens, but you don't see men do it nearly as often as women. So I definitely think gender conditioning plays a part in all of this...

I like the double bird flip suggestion! 😄

I agree. Why do we have to smile? There's more than a whiff of misogyny about it.

Well, there’s just not many men on internet forums to hear it as frequently as you might. My DH gets told this by his male boss when he’s facing challenging colleague relationships and discussions all the time.