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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Alcoholic MIL

24 replies

Hummingbird445566 · 23/05/2024 10:58

Almost 3 years ago my DH and I decided to follow our dreams and relocate 500 miles away to the coast once the DC were grown. We made that dream happen, found a house and asked MIL to come with us ( She no longer has her own DH.) At first she said no but then several months into house hunting she changed her mind so we changed our search criteria and found our dream home. Long story short and several disappointments with sales falling through, we finally made it to our dream home a early this year but thats the end of the dream. Just over a week in we realised MIL is a raging, functioning alcoholic! We thought she had been in recovery for years. She is making our lives hell. She has gone behind our backs and told family and friends that she hates her son and he is evil, that she wishes she had never come here, we dont allow her to be warm, she has no control of her life (We asked her to cut down on the alcohol,) and now the latest, we are kicking her out. She doesnt pay a penny to be here, we feed her, run her car, pay all her bills except her mobile and now this feels like its the last kick in the teeth. Ive found out that one of the housing associations she has told she is being made homeless have asked her for a letter of proof. If I give her this she will get housed and we will be relieved but it is wrong to give upon her. Should we carry on trying to get her to stop drinking. Im thinking that if she hasnt stopped now she's 81 she never will. If we give her the letter confirming we're making her homeless then the rest of the family will think weve kicked her out but if I dont write it for her then DH and me will be miserable and so will she. Im at the point of passed caring and want her gone. ABIU??

OP posts:
olderbutwiser · 23/05/2024 11:03

Write the letter. Tell the family why.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 23/05/2024 11:09

If it is what she wants I would give her the letter.
She obviously wants to be left in peace to drink.
Older people feel the cold more though, and it is not nice to not feel warm although this might also be down to the drink. Does she have her own rooms that could be warmer if the rest of the house isn't warm enough until she does move?

StarbucksQueen1 · 23/05/2024 11:11

Why did you take her?! I’d get rid immediately.

TheBurdenIsMine · 23/05/2024 11:36

Write the letter and make sure the door doesnt hit her on the way out!

Hummingbird445566 · 23/05/2024 11:53

@StarbucksQueen1 we took her because she's old and alone. She was renting this tiny little studio flat and was struggling to make ends meet on her pension. It didnt feel right to leave her behind knowing that she may end up needing strangers to care for her, thats what families are supposed to do.

OP posts:
heretodestroyyou · 23/05/2024 11:55

Write the letter and make it clear to the rest of the family why you've done that.

If they want to take her in they can offer but you've done what you can.

Hummingbird445566 · 23/05/2024 11:56

@andHelenknowsimmiserablenow Yes. She has the largest bedroom which also has the sun on it all day long. Its is set up so she has her bed and a large lift up and down chair. She also has her own large en-suite that we have kitted out to be "Future-proof". She refuses to allow her door to be left open so even if the house is heated up to 23degress, (yes,23!) the air doesnt circulate and I think that attributes to her feeling cold. She also insists on having the window open for fresh air. I get this as I open all the windows every morning for a quick blow through but I dont keep them all open and sit next to them when its only 12 degrees outside...

OP posts:
Sicario · 23/05/2024 12:00

Alcoholics ruin lives.

Know this: you didn't cause it and you can't fix it. It's not your fault.

There is nothing you can do to help her.

Write the letter. Get her out of your house. Move on and leave her to her own devices.

NCgoingdry · 23/05/2024 12:07

Pfffff you're a better person than I am, taking her in the first place.

She wants to be miserable and alone. So let her. The family that you're so worried about juggling you can take her in if they are that concerned.

LadyWiddiothethird · 23/05/2024 12:10

Write the letter.Stop enabling her.

longdistanceclaraclara · 23/05/2024 12:10

the three Cs

You didn't cause
You cannot change it
You cannot cure it

I'd write the letter and tell the family. She will only get worse.

pointythings · 23/05/2024 12:24

What everyone else said. You can't save her and currently you're enabling her. So save yourselves, give yourselves back the peace of mind she's taken from you and let her go.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 23/05/2024 12:26

Hummingbird445566 · 23/05/2024 11:56

@andHelenknowsimmiserablenow Yes. She has the largest bedroom which also has the sun on it all day long. Its is set up so she has her bed and a large lift up and down chair. She also has her own large en-suite that we have kitted out to be "Future-proof". She refuses to allow her door to be left open so even if the house is heated up to 23degress, (yes,23!) the air doesnt circulate and I think that attributes to her feeling cold. She also insists on having the window open for fresh air. I get this as I open all the windows every morning for a quick blow through but I dont keep them all open and sit next to them when its only 12 degrees outside...

Oh, you must be tearing your hair out in frustration 🫤.
It is hard to reason with an alcoholic, you have every sympathy.

TammyJones · 23/05/2024 12:36

Sicario · 23/05/2024 12:00

Alcoholics ruin lives.

Know this: you didn't cause it and you can't fix it. It's not your fault.

There is nothing you can do to help her.

Write the letter. Get her out of your house. Move on and leave her to her own devices.

This
It was lovely what you did.
Your only mistake and I mean only, was you don't want her to drink.
It will always come first.
But you tried.

curiouslycoy · 23/05/2024 12:43

Sicario · 23/05/2024 12:00

Alcoholics ruin lives.

Know this: you didn't cause it and you can't fix it. It's not your fault.

There is nothing you can do to help her.

Write the letter. Get her out of your house. Move on and leave her to her own devices.

This. My mum is an alcoholic. She's lucky if I answer the phone. Further away the better. Not nasty person but causes destruction and distress for everyone around her. Only cares about herself. I made my own way in life and grieved for her throughout my teen years and early twenties. On my way to 40 now and I'm better off without her.

Cherrysoup · 23/05/2024 14:06

Kick her out. Mine is also alcohol dependent, no way on god's earth would ever even stay with her, because she's a horrible drunk. I'd rather spend hundreds on a hotel room.

DontKnow1988 · 23/05/2024 14:19

I have experience with alcoholics in my family. They don't change and they bring you down with them.

Other family members may criticise you but that's because they don't want to get involved and it's easier for everyone if you just have her.

Maddy70 · 23/05/2024 14:26

Write the letter. This isnt working for any of you

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2024 14:27

Write the letter, right fucking now. There is no helping her.

Am I correct in that you said you pay for her car? She drives? I would put an end to that immediately. You cannot enable an alcoholic to drive.

keffie12 · 23/05/2024 14:31

@HummingbHummingbird445566 Give her the letter for the H.A. and write to your family. Also, contact this organisation for support in the country you are in.

This is the U.K. arm. Al-Anon is all over the world. Depending on where you are in the world, if there are no local Al-Anon meetings to you, go to Zoom meetings instead

al-anonuk.org.uk/

BIossomtoes · 23/05/2024 14:31

Just write the fucking letter. The only person who can address her alcoholism is her. How is she getting the alcohol? If she has to live somewhere else and pay her own bills she’ll have less money to spend on booze so that should help. Currently you’re just enabling her.

Silvers11 · 23/05/2024 14:44

Write the letter and tell the family members, once she has gone WHY

GingerPirate · 23/05/2024 14:49

StarbucksQueen1 · 23/05/2024 11:11

Why did you take her?! I’d get rid immediately.

Exactly. Why?
I couldn't imagine living with my own mother
after I got married and live with husband.
Everything is about choices, parents (in law)
are not.

LakeTiticaca · 23/05/2024 14:58

I guess no other family members are willing to take her?
I would do the letter and state you want her out within 28 days. You are a lot braver than me. I have an alcoholic relative and not in a million years would I have them living with me. Not even when they end up on the streets which will be pretty much bound to happen if they don't get help to stop drinking

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