My youngest goes in to year 6 in September . This is his last year in primary . I feel like time has flew and I’ve been so preoccupied and missed so much .
His dad has him 3 nights per week ( works out best for him he loves his dad , wouldn’t change it ) but we split when he was young and his dad has always been very much involved and is a great dad . But I always feel like I missed so much . I spent 5 years studying and working part time to train as a teacher so I would have holidays off. I’ve been in the job 2 years and I hate it. I do supply now so I work part time in the holidays , only 2 days per week . But again I feel like I failed him there as I spent so long training and yet I still don’t get that time .
I suffer with health anxiety and I feel that preoccupies me too ( eg my smear is this year so my HA has been awful since the start of the year just because it’s due and I feel like it will be this way until I have it done in October and I’m hoping all is ok but feel so preoccupied as my HA is so bad that I’m convinced it will be bad news so I’m like prepping for that - I know that’s not normal and I am getting help for that . )
Hes the most beautiful , kind , sweet boy and I just look back at his photos and think “ where did that time go “ I was so preoccupied and still am and I’m missing it . I’m scared for him going to high school too , he’s been a little bullied this year in primary - mildly , one child - and I’m petrified of it happening again and he’s just so eager to please everyone that I worry he won’t tell me in case he gets anyone in trouble .
Any time he’s off school and im not ( eg term time teacher training , poorly etc ) it’s dad who gets that time as he’s self employed . I’m looking desperately for part work from home jobs , applied for a few , just so I can be here if he’s poorly or off school or so I can do this last year of school runs as I missed all that too.
I have 2 older children , they were at primary before my training and whilst I did still work it was a lot more flexible so I could be here if they were off school , I did the school runs so I don’t feel as though I missed that . When they were little too , I didn’t work . I had all that time but with my youngest I worked since he was 2 .
I also have one older child who is disabled so she has always taken up the bulk of my attention . He’s always so amazing with her and so understanding but he shouldn’t have to be .
Im not looking for sympathy I’m just feeling sorry for myself . I just feel so overwhelmed with sadness as though I’ve let him down and just missed so much.
My job is so intense , I’m in a long term , that evenings are just rushed with things to do then the weekend it’s half with me and even then I’m still doing things for work .
He is however an extremely happy child. He loves the set up and loves his life but he does get overjoyed at the times when it’s just me and him having that quality time ( rare ) so I know he loves that so much and I feel sad that he doesn’t get it more .