Can anyone give me comfort that DS isn’t the only one with a highly educated father who is utterly shit?

[Hushpaa]

I don’t know if I will get flamed for this but here goes…

I feel embarrassed that DS’s dad can be so educated and from such a stable background, only for him to treat ds so badly. I have sympathy (some!) for people who are poor parents who perhaps haven’t had the chance to have a comfortable lifestyle and have perhaps been brought up in an abusive home or been subjected to substance abuse etc. But the men who have it all? Why are they so terrible? Is DS’s dad the only one who is like this? He is educated, works in medicine so spends all day caring for other people (!!!!), earns decent money etc… but is a truly truly rubbish parent. He barely sees ds, lets him down, tries to negotiate paying less towards him, doesn’t think about his needs… list is endless. I can’t even say to ds when he’s bigger that oh your dad struggled because of this or that… because he has no reason to be a shit dad, he actively chooses it.

I don't think education has anything to do with how you treat your children. I am sorry for you and your DS, though.

Your son will realise as he gets older who was there for him. It is really shit. And I used to get so annoyed when i was in that situation.
But ds now an adult will often mention how it was always me who made the best life for him. Never let him miss out etc. His dad paid bare minimum. I really struggled. I remember living on toast for weeks just so ds could be fed and clothed.

Yes that’s quite a strange angle to come at it from! This is based on nothing apart from my own anecdotal observations but I see many dads from probably ‘less educated’ backgrounds being really hands on and involved with their dc and many more high flying high earning tossers like my exh men being quite distant, disengaged and hands off.

My ex inherited 250k and didn’t give his children a single penny. He’s well educated, seen as a great guy but he’s a selfish, self absorbed and greedy arsehole.

He had two loving parents growing up too, it’s just his personality. His dead parent would be horrified.

Nothing to do with the level of education. He is just not a great Dad. Sorry OP.

Medicine and health related careers can be exhausting but most of us working in healthcare still make time for our children.

Your DS will see through it eventually and absolutely no way should you make excuses.

Some high achievers are narcissists and really have a blind spot to their family. I have seen in the work place at times when a dd or ds is not themselves a high achiever or choose professions not approved by a parent then that distance can appear.

It takes sacrifice to be a parent and unfortunately some threadbare educated and successful don't have a sacrificial spirit at their core.

@EC22 my ex also has a dead parent who I know would be absolutely horrified at his actions. It’s so sad and I can’t understand it at all.

@mids2019 this is interesting as the only compliment ex ever gives ds is that he’s very clever. That’s it. All he cares about sadly.

@Thingamebobwotsit i am so scared about when the questions come. I won’t know how to answer them.

Education sadly has little to do with either intellect or emotional intelligence.
Some of the stupidest people I’ve met I’ve met at university and beyond ( lawyers and doctors).
Your son will know in the end that it’s not him - its his turd of a father.

I’m sorry, but are you saying that if people from poorer background or people who didn’t go to uni are bad parents then you would think, “well, of course they are, they don’t know any better, didn’t expect them to be any good at it?”

I don’t think you’ll get too many questions. Your DC will grow up knowing they have a shit dad. Unfortunately I speak from experience. A lot of dads seem to do this when they leave the family home. i know that’s not helpful, but it is what it is. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

@Theredoubtableskins no I mean people who have had abusive upbringings etc and perhaps have reasons to struggle to be a parent. Nothing to do with income in particular.

About ten or so children whose father has blonde hair comes to mind.

Why would you think education is a marker of good ethical grounding? Just look at the Tories, BJ specifically, hardly dad, or indeed human being, of the century is he?

@aplthtoa yes I really can’t understand it

Some of the most educated people with 'neice' backgrounds are the most dysfunctional once you get into family dynamics

Agree that good education and privileged background does not guarantee emotional health or stability or function. Far from it.

Just feel so sad for ds

This thought came up while reading through the thread, and is not based on anything but personal experience with men/fathers in positions they perceive themselves as being responsible for solving problems, fixing thigs, etc. They may be told daily how thankful people are for their advice, etc. In turn they get validation from their job that gives them a "God" complex so to speak. People should be thankful when they are in their presence. Essentially he gets his oxygen from adoration, etc., and blindly doesn't see the necessity of being a participating father as he's got to work at it. I've got some experience with this and others around clearly see through the complex.