Maternity leave lonely and resentful

[isthatagoat]

I’m not sure how much of this is me being over sensitive.

I had my second baby last year. My best friend is on maternity leave at the same time as me (her first). She had a great NCT group, I can count on one hand the number of times she has asked to see me in the last year. I feel like I’ve been dropped completely. She has never once invited me out with her new mum friends. I have childcare for my toddler a few mornings a week so could join for coffee. I very much feel that because I have two, I wouldn’t be welcome.

My DH has been working away loads during the week, I’m really lonely. My mum is never around, always busy it feels. She prioritises my sister as my sister is a single mum.

My other friends are all working, kids are older, they are past the baby stage and focussing on their careers. They never seem to ask how I am, or have time for me. I am not really able to go out for weeknight dinners etc due to my DH working away so it feels I miss out all the time. I am not in the headspace to go out drinking on weekends or for girls weekends away yet (EBF and knackered anyway!)

I just feel sad. I try to be a good and thoughtful friend. Sometimes I feel like maybe I just have too much time on my hands (not working, etc!) to be sad about these things.

I just feel like no one cares or values me. I feel let down by everyone since having my second baby, so wondering if the problem is me? Surely everyone can’t be shit? Perhaps it’s just my general mood.

I have some mum friends I see occasionally but they’re not my best mates - it’s different.

Has anyone else just felt really let down by everyone all at once? Maybe I’m just being a grumpy bitch!

I love maternity leave and being with my babies, but just feel truly invisible at the moment.

Have you tried inviting your friend out for coffee with her baby, rather than waiting for her to invite you?

You say you do have some mum friends which is good. Try and focus on them - again, ask them out! You have nothing to lose.

What happens when you invite your friend for coffee?

I'm sorry to hear you're so lonely. Personally, I'm pregnant with my first, and the whole experience has been quite isolating so far. I don't really expect to see anyone while on mat leave, my mum will come.over for a few weeks (I live abroad) but that's it. Friends with slightly older kids will have no interest in hanging out with me. Friends with no kids won't have any interest beyond the occasional coffee. You just have to make the best of it.

Why don't you go back to work?

Hey @Ace56

I see my best friend once every couple of weeks, but it's been me that initiates it every time. I've stopped now as I just felt she was not that bothered and prioritised her new mum friends.

It sounds so petty (I'm 33 FFS!) but my best friend and I have been the closest friendship for 20 years - I thought we'd spend so much time together on maternity leave. I just feel let down that she knows I spend so much time alone yet literally never checks in or asks to see me.

Can you try to meet new friends? Accept that, for whatever reason, it doesn't seem to be working with your existing friends. Make a real effort to go to baby groups and meet some new mums. There are sure to be some others around who are feeling a bit lonely.

@DontKnow1988 I hope you won't be lonely and you find some nice Mat leave friends. I had an amazing group of mum friends first time around but it's different when you have a toddler in tow! So much easier to meet people and go for coffees etc when it's your first.

I don't want to go back to work (couldn't think of anything worse just yet haha) but I do wish I felt that some of the closest people in my life cared a bit more.

@OmuraWhale it's just exhausting isn't it, making new friends 😆 I have some lovely people that I've met but it's so difficult to coordinate schedules around our children and without the history there it doesn't feel as 'easy' as hanging out with your best mates! But you are right.

I had my first baby at 19 so none of my friends had babies at the same time. I was part of an NCT group but found it hard to gel with them as I was half their age.

I had my second in 2020 so full on Covid. My friend had her first a few weeks after me but we didn’t get the fun maternity leave together we thought we’d have.

I’m on maternity leave with my third and final baby and I am putting in the effort to arrange to meet people. My friend has Mondays and Fridays off work so we get our toddlers together to play. I still don’t have many mum friends though.

For all sorts of reasons, maternity leave can feel like a disappointment. We build this time up in our head like a wonderful time with our babies and time to see friends etc. but it’s hard to live up to the expectations. I think you need to make the effort to meet up with your friend and other mum friends.

I hear you how tough it is. I’ve actually enjoyed mat leave more second time round for various reasons, but one thing I have struggled with is socialising with first time mums I’ve met at groups. It’s hard to balance the needs of babies/new mums and feral toddlers! I think you just need to keep reminding yourself that she is in a different place to you. Shes finding her feet in a completely new life. Right now, maybe her NCT buddies just fit that better. You said yourself I had an amazing group of mum friends first time around - give her the chance to carve that out for herself as well. I wouldn’t drop her, I think you’ll really regret that down the line.

Is your area particularly lacking in baby groups or is there some reason you can’t access them?

Your friend has her own struggles with young children, and people’s priorities change when they have young families. It’s not that your friend doesn’t care about you anymore.

It would be weird of her to invite you to her NCT group. I can imagine that it would have been seen as odd in the ante natal groups I was part of just because there were enough of us to keep up with already and if everyone brought a friend from somewhere else it would change and be detrimental to the entire group.

Remember that although it might seem never ending, this is such a short time in your life and it will get better naturally with time.

I would tell her best friend and your mum hat you are struggling and feeling really lonely.

I don't think your best friend is a very good friend, or even a basic friend, at all. As hard as it is to face up to, you may need to re-evaluate the relationship.

Why don't you try baby groups or a coffee morning to see if you make some new connections?

Your friend might be struggling. I found the first few months of motherhood overwhelming, I struggled with PND and lack of sleep and getting out of the house was hugely difficult. I found it very difficult to make plans with people as I never knew how I was going to feel on the day.

I’d try having a chat with her. Be honest that you’re missing her and were hoping to spend a bit more time with her and see what she says.

I had my first child last year and I remember feeling a crushing sense of loneliness and isolation. It was awful. I did not have my baby until I was 35 and up until that point I had been very work focused and due to the nature of my job I was constantly surrounded by lots of people. I was not prepared for suddenly being at home everyday with just me and a tiny human who I loved dearly but found overwhelming at times. I also found breastfeeding extremely difficult and not what I expected it to be and felt ashamed when I switched to formula and this led to me feeling nervous about going out and meeting other Mums as I thought they would judge me. I was part of an antenatal group but did not really gel with any of them. To be honest things did not get any better until my baby reached about the 10 month point and I suddenly felt like I was coming out of a dark cave and felt more like myself. My advice would be to open up to someone who cares about you, I really wish I had but felt like I would have been seen as a bad Mum.

I don't know if this helps, but a few months ago I disliked everyone (friends, DH, DM etc) feeling they haven't been supportive enough of me in my MAT leave. I really felt sorry for myself and annoyed at everyone else. Then it disappeared. Personally, I think it was my hormones still being all over the place and making me feel resentful. If I want to see someone now, I just give them a call for a chat or say 'hey I'm a bit feeling lonely, are you free?' They have rallied round but I also care a lot less if they are busy.

Thanks everyone

Yes we do do baby groups, just don't get a huge amount of time without the toddler around (and always so much house work to catch up on!) but we do what we can. I think I'm just not that great at chatting to new people, I feel like I can't really be bothered (I know I know, can't moan about being lonely when I can't be bothered to chat to new people).

Yes my friend is doing amazing and I'm pleased she has her NCT group mums. We actually did invite someone's friend in to our group, as she was lonely, and she's now a fully fledged one of the gang.

I think I just feel so much lonelier as a mum of two than as a mum of one, which is not how I expected to feel at all!

But your friend went out and made friends, put in the effort and maintained that so why can't you. You can't complain about having a toddler in tow and then also expecting to be included?
I also think it would be odd for her to bring you to her group?
She is in the moment of having her first and wanting to focus on that, it's probably not really personal to you.

I honestly could have wrote this myself, also on mat leave with my second. The isolation and loneliness is real, I wish I had a group of mam friends. One of my best friends is also on mat leave and i never heard from her, she never checks in with me and I was always the one to text first and it hurt

Thank you. I don't think that people don't care, they just have their own stuff going on. It's a shame that your mum won't make more time for you but, to be honest, that is life when you're the one that needs less help.

DH and I are the least needy siblings in our families and we're used to it now. We work the longest hours, organize all family related celebrations, and never get any help. It grates sometimes.

But you can only control what you do. Go out there and build a network. Forget about your mum, let her get on with it. If you enjoy your friend's company, keep inviting her out, it doesn't matter if you're always the one initiating this.

@relay500 sorry to hear you're feeling lonely too. It's a horrible feeling!

I've taken myself off social media for a while as I felt like that was making me feel worse.

I'm going to invest in the people that make an effort with me and focus on my little family!

@DontKnow1988 YES we are the least needy siblings too, feels like our brothers and sisters get so much more support than us! In every way, not just with kids etc.

I've always been seen as the one who just copes with things so I don't think anyone would know I'm struggling at the moment.

You also don't know what goes on in people's lives. I'm in a shit load of pain because of PGP. My two friends who have babies and who I thought I'll hang out with loads, I've withdrawn from massively. They had straightforward pregnancies and when I tried to moan a bit (literally the one time), they told me how much they loved being pregnant, they never had any symptoms, that whatever I'm feeling will only get worse in the third trimester etc. Totally disregarded my feelings at one of my lowest points in my life. They were trying to be positive, they didn't mean it badly at all, but I honestly couldn't handle it. I went home and cried for 2 days.

It's easier to stay away from the perfect mums right now. Who knows what your friend is going through, you never know. Don't stop seeing her altogether and leave the door open.

That sounds tough, I think you should join as many groups as you can and really put yourself out there with meeting people. Don’t think of it as looking for a best friend but as some adult company and a change of scenery.
Have you opened up to your DH about how you are feeling?

This happened to me but the other way around!

We have one DD who is 3 and are happy with just one but my "best friend" had another and has since distanced herself with me. We've been friends for over 15 years.

I kept trying to invite her and her family but always an excuse. One day I decided I wasn't going to try anymore and we haven't spoken in 6 months.

It's sad when peoples lives change and life become busy. It's a sad reality. I made lots of new mum friends by going to baby groups. I then discovered that there was a local WhatsApp group for all the mums in my area which is muted as it's constantly going off but great for advice or knowing what events are on etc.

Basically ... as one door closes another opens.

Xxxx

I have a larger family and one thing I notice is that some people use an experience in their life to suddenly have an 'in' to a group/clique/posse that is very homogenous in it's origin and everyone is same/same. It's like it becomes their identity - first baby, same NCT group etc., trumps others and people begin to start to lack balance. I have seen this over and over again since becoming a Mum.

As an example, there's the first baby/baby class/NCT, then what pre-school/school, what road (for social areas/communities) particular sports/program, home ed Mum's, besties with your dc's bestie's Mum etc. People are looking to feel part of something. I understand where it comes from and I think it can become really unhealthy and it's better not to get all your friendship/connection needs from one group of people. Long term your friend will lose this at some point as that group will return to work, move as many do to bigger houses after baby or to be nearer grandparents, some will go onto stop at one child, some will have 2/3 or more. The thing they've bonded over will become less of a need for connection as their kids get older.

I've never been one who felt I needed a Mum group with my first few dc. My friends have been a diverse group of people, some parents, some not, some parents of only children, some with more dc and sometimes yes as I looked at others experiencing that I felt twinges of maybe I was missing something. But I've come to see I really wasn't. My friends who had that group experienced much more drama, worry about being left out, struggle later on when their group falls apart as it naturally does over time for many. Not all, but many. I do have one friend who 18 years later still sees her NCT group 2x a year...!

@isthatagoat my last baby involved living in hospital for months and months and months. When we were finally home was when people were returning to work. I really felt lonely, it was so hard. Then my best friend got a cancer diagnosis and died quickly. It was a profound loss, we'd been friends for so long and really helped each other out as parents. I decided I really felt I needed Mum friends at a similar stage to connect with after pretty much a year in a hospital. It was hard. I went to baby group with oxygen and feeding pumps and really felt I didn't fit in. Most people never spoke to us despite going for weeks - barely even glanced and never included me in conversations. It was a hard and lonely experience that made me question humanity tbh.

It's a better now. What's worked? Honestly, taking a day at a time. Trying to not feel loneliness as a condition and more seeing it as a lonely hour/day/week. I've not met any friends through baby groups but found a couple of local Mum's via IG - one through a baby group's IG, another through a friend and that's helped hugely. We aren't meeting up weekly, but maybe monthly. I met one lovely Mum at the library. I also met a lovely local Mum through a 2 morning/week nursery type program. I decided to re- connect in a more intentional way with an old friend from Uni who lives only about 20 min away and whose kids are more the age of some of my older kids. We have coffee almost weekly and while her youngest is 10 years older than my youngest, we are friends not because we are Mum's but because we like each other. It's refreshing. I also started a book club in my local area. I host at my house because then I can make it! We have 12-15 people attend each month and it's really been so lovely.

Cast your net wide and be creative. Good things will come your way! Try really hard to do some things for you in the hard moments. I started going to a local coffee shop alone (with the littlest) and I can tell you the lovely baristas making a fuss of the baby and always greeting me with a smile, really helps me on hard days.

I've always been seen as the one who just copes with things so I don't think anyone would know I'm struggling at the moment.

This is really unhelpful. I know because I am a masker too when I’m struggling. It just leads to things getting worse until I can’t cope at all.

Reach out to people and say you’re struggling. They can’t help if they don’t know.