Spare time...

[Ostagazuzulum]

Aibu to ask why you do for yourself?

I work FT. DH works FT on shifts. He goes to the gym and runs daily. That's his 'me' time. He prioritises this. It's good for him. It doesn't impact on me as he does it during school hours. He pulls his weight with housework.

DD13 has a competitive sport so does this 5 times a week and requires one of us to drive her there. DH drives sometimes but usually because I'm working late (unavoidable).

Weekends are spent at in laws (sadly unavoidable) or weekly shop, cleaning, sports competitions for DD etc. DH works 4 out of 5 weekends on average.

I've been stressed at work, have ADHD so burn out easily and am having counselling. Counsellor has told me that I need to do something for me.

I go to the gym sometimes during day but you can guarantee I'm either thinking about work or being bothered by messages from work. When DD is doing her sports I take time to do some
Exercise but I feel like I'm
Constantly thinking about work and can't switch off as I keep
My phone on in case DD needs me or something happens at sports club (high risk sport)

I used to do lots of stuff for me, Adrenalin sports, travel etc but ill heath, family and finances stopped that.

My life revolves round DD, work and DH and running a house. I'm knackered.

I need ideas about what you do for yourself. I know I need quality 'me' time
Doing something just for me but what do I do, how the hell do I fit it in and it needs to be cheap! Reading is out of question as my attention span is low and when I try to exercise at home I get distracted with chores. I thought about dog walking for charity but I'd be heartbroken at them living in kennels (can't have dog). I'm utterly stuck what to do for myself as I'm so used to not doing anything for myself.

Yoga?
Sitting in a cafe eating cake?
Book club so you have to read the book
Going for a walk with podcasts
Craft class?
Jigsaws
Audible book on headphones while doing housework. This will NOT count as me time but might make the chores easier
Knitting
Sewing
Needle point

Why do you have to go to in laws every weekend?
Could you do supermarket shop while there and buy yourself an hour?

I go for long walks during the week. I also knit and go to a weekly knit /craft night for 2 hours. One of my friends has joined a netball team and goes weekly and they sometimes play away. I like knitting it’s portable. Edited to say I have one 10 year old and am married.

The weekend visits to in laws is another story. They're very needy. That's not a bad idea for shopping.

My problem is my adhd is out of control and my attention span is low. I like idea of jigsaws. The cafe is a good one but as soon as I get somewhere I am fidgeting and ready to go. I'm
Shocking bad at crafts.

The yoga is a good idea. I'd leave my phone in a locker at gym so it's forcing me into not taking calls. I like idea of book clubs but don't know anyone to go with if I found local one. Do people go alone?

I really struggle to relax.

Absolutely to going alone to yoga.

If dds activity is the same time/day each week could you get a personal trainer for that time. You can keep your phone on you in case dd calls but they will keep you focused?

How about walking while listening to a podcast?

Also maybe learning a language on dualingo?

Re the needy in laws - you need to be more needy. You literally don't have 1 hour to yourself EVER. So your needs should take precedence over their wants. Someone else's expectations are not your obligations.

What are you doing to get your adhd under better control?

What about your needs?

Why is seeing the in laws every weekend unavoidable?

Stop going, send your husband. Go once or twice a month.

& yes, I go alone to local book club, & yoga

Get supermarket shopping delivered, go for a run instead

I borrow a friend's dog and walk, use the time to make notes on my phone of all the things pinging round in my head (also ADHD).
I have paint pens and paint rocks, and watercolour bookmarks etc too.
I call my friends or text those that I haven't been in touch with recently to catch up.

Genuine question - Why do YOU have to go to the in laws? DH gets his gym and me time, can you claw some time back for you while he visits his DPs?

I find swimming a good blend of mindfulness and exercise - I'm not actually very good at it, technique wise, so I do have to pay attention to how I'm moving so I don't drown it's not like running where my mind wanders and my body is on autopilot. I also count lengths in my head, which stops me thinking about other things so I don't lose count.

You spend every weekend with in-laws , yet dh only spend 1 out of 5?

Beach combing or mud larking - great for adhd - active but calming on the mind. Great time to be alone, suits hyperfocus and quietens the internal chatter thanks to the brown noise from nature!

Stop feeling you have to be so responsible for everything. Your inlaws need to stop relying on you so much, if they need to see someone more than instead of going to the gym and running every day their son needs to go see them some days. They are not your responsibility and I don't know why you've accepted that they are.

Work - why are you allowing yourself to be bothered by messages from work when you are at the gym? Switch your phone off for goodness sake. You are entitled to a lunch hour.

It sounds like you're not good with boundaries and it's really to your own detriment. Time to start putting yourself first. What about seeing if anyone needs their dog walking locally, perhaps some one elderly through the Cinnamon trust? Again you will need boundaries though! People can get quite entitled and conveniently forget that you're the one doing them the favour!

Work on seeing less of the in-laws (I mean a LOT less) at the weekend and claim a couple of evenings per week for yourself. Why are your DH’s exercise routine and your DC’s hobby more important than your hobbies and interests?
Put some boundaries in place.
Yoga or some sort of relaxation class could be a good starting point or if you want cheaper than a nice walk. Do you have any friends you could walk/coffee with?

Have you tried reading fast paced book with lots of dialogue? I find them a lot easier to read , I also skip long, boring, waxing lyrical descriptions.

I watch TV shows (a couple of episodes to unwind and block out the world), but I often need to also play a game or something to really keep me busy.

Best way to quiet it all up , including my busy,busy brain is doing a jigsaw (if I think it's really pretty it helps) and watching a show at the same time. Brain is too busy focusing to listen AND see so it shuts up for once. Of course, the downside is hyper focus, so I can lose hours on it if there's nothing pressing.

Have you tried watching foreign box sets with subtitles then you can’t be on your phone at the same time? Lock yourself in your bedroom and try an hour each night. I watched a lot of foreign stuff during Covid to take my mind off what was going on.

“You need to do something for you” sounds a bit trite. You already have a crowded schedule and you haven’t actually said, “I wish I had time to knit / run / join a choir / online game”. If there’s nothing you’re actually missing, I wouldn’t look to fill up a crowded schedule with more things. You need less, not more. I’d start with dropping the every weekend visit to the in laws. Unless they’ve both got 6 months to live, I doubt you’ve got a reason that’s going to convince MN 😉

I would reduce your schedule, then see what you start choosing to fill it with naturally.

Swimming
Cycling
Video games
Reading
Going to the cinema alone (love this)
Out for drinks with friends
Regular trips to the spa!

Are you taking meds for your ADHD? My ds was only diagnosed as an adult and does take meds and he says it has changed his life. His mind isn't racing as much and gets to settle down easier to work. He also loves dogs!!
I like any kind of physical exercise: badminton/ gym/ walking as it really makes me feel alive and active.
I also make jigsaws while listening to an audience book and l just love that.

Obviously depends on what you enjoy.

What about singing ? Join a choir.
For some 'me time' I would meet a friend for a coffee or even a walk. Or I would go to yoga.
But if you need a bit of a burst of adrenalin what about something like zumba?
Or a dance class?
Rock climbing?

My dc with ADHD both like to swim.

Second the idea of swimming.

Re switching off, I've personally found partnered martial arts practice immensely useful. You get a workout and you're also forced to switch off completely so you can focus on gauging your partner's speed and force. Try some beginners' classes, say kendo or jujitsu? Or see if you can get the same out of tennis lessons?

Unless your in laws have care needs no one else can meet then STOP pandering to them. YOU MATTER.

Get your DH to explain he'll be doing visits from now on

I don't get the in law requirements- I would just drop that to 1.weekend for me and dh on his weekend off can pick up another weekend - I don't get why every weekend.