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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to decide at the age of 31 that I am probably bisexual?

22 replies

ProBaBlyBi · 04/04/2008 19:54

I'm happily married with one child, hoping for more. But over the last few years I've always wondered if I was bi. I snogged a girl at uni (didn't we all?!) and wanted it to go further. I only ever fantasize about women. When I'm having sex with my husband I think of women. My relationship with dh is now more of a best friend relationship, there's not really any lust. We still make love but tbh it does nothing for me apart from make me feel close to him. I eye up women that I walk by, and hardly take a second look at a handsome bloke.

I've got no intention of acting on this realisation. I fantasize about screwing another woman but I know in reality it's not going to happen. Can I live a normal hetero life with all these feelings inside me?

OP posts:

ingles2 · 04/04/2008 19:57

Oh blimey...
um...yes I think you could probably live a normal hetero life but if your relationship has become that of just friends why would you want to?

LaundryFairy · 04/04/2008 19:58

YANBU. I have a close friend who came to the same realisation at the age of 30. She has since left her DH (there were no children involved, and he was an unfaithful rat to boot), and she has been in a happy relationship with a woman for over 10 years.

Even if you don't intend to act on this realisation, I'd sort out some counselling pretty soon to have a non-judgemental, confidential place to talk through what this means for your life.

HonoriaGlossop · 04/04/2008 20:12

I think it's about being faithful as much about being bi or not.

I walk along and eye up handsome blokes but I don't wish to act on this or take it further as I want to be faithful. It would be the same to me whether I looked at men or women - it's just looking and it's not going to go further. For many, many, many couples the relationship is of best friends and lust goes from ANY relationship to a larger or lesser degree, sooner or later. I think it can be encouraged back if you're committed, but it's not the same as it was at the beginning of a relationship.

Original poster

ProBaBlyBi · 04/04/2008 20:14

Well I'm definitely committed. Shame he's not into threesomes.

OP posts:

CoteDAzur · 04/04/2008 20:17

Are you sure?

Original poster

ProBaBlyBi · 04/04/2008 20:18

Am I sure about being committed? Yes. I couldn't live without him and I couldn't do that to my son.

OP posts:

Disenchanted · 04/04/2008 20:18

Difficult.

In a way its not the issue, the issue is do you want to leave your DH, do you feel the need to indulge in a relationship with a female AND WHAT WOULD HIS REACTION BE?

Im bi but happy with my husband, very happy. I too have only snogged a girl but I only fantasize about women never men. I find it difficult sometimes but at the end of the day Im married and even though my husband wouldn't mind me having a relationship with another woman I wouln't because Im married to him.

Original poster

ProBaBlyBi · 04/04/2008 20:20

Oh disenchanted thanks. It's good to know I'm not the only one and that a happy and long marriage is perfectly possible.

OP posts:

ingles2 · 04/04/2008 20:24

have you talked to your husband about this?

CoteDAzur · 04/04/2008 20:25

No, I meant are you sure he is not into threesomes.

MrsTittleMouse · 04/04/2008 20:26

My Mum always said that someone who is bisexual couldn't be faithful because there would always be something missing in their partner. My Mum was talking bollocks (sorry Mum!). There is always something missing in your partner, no matter what your sexuality. The point is that you love them and you have a good relationship. It is pure fantasy to expect to have someone who is everything to you, and I think that that expectation contributed to the fact that my parents are no longer together.
There is nothing wrong with being bisexual and married. You just have a fantastic fantasy life, that's all.

Original poster

ProBaBlyBi · 04/04/2008 20:28

We joke about how I'm a lesbian and he's gay (loves America's Next Top Model, choses my make-up etc!), but I think he'd be shocked if I told him what I told you. I'm not sure how he'd take it.

OP posts:

Original poster

ProBaBlyBi · 04/04/2008 20:29

Thanks Mrs T. Yep my fantasy life is fantastic.

OP posts:

ingles2 · 04/04/2008 20:40

communication is always good,... but you might be right, this kinda steps over the fantasy boundary a little.
If I was you I'd probably just invest in some lesbian porn

Original poster

ProBaBlyBi · 04/04/2008 20:42

I've got some. We watch it together. Trouble is I don't think he'd be up for watching the real thing.

OP posts:

ingles2 · 04/04/2008 20:47

Don't thnk my dh would be up for watching me shag Julian Rhind Tutt either... Oh well,.. better stick to our fantasies then

gingerninja · 04/04/2008 20:55

Forgive me for being dim but surely if you're bi your problem is more to do with your lack of feelings for your DH and not that you fancy women or am I missing something? ie if you were hetro then fancing another man wouldn't be a problem, just acting on it would be.

tinylady · 04/04/2008 21:01

I think many women fantasise about other women, doesn't necessarily mean you are bi.
There is a huge difference between having these fantasies and acting on them

2GIRLS · 04/04/2008 23:15

Agree with tinylady, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are bi sexual just that you fantasise about having sex with a woman. Maybe even if you do have sex witha woman it wouldn't necessarily mean that you are bi sexual (though I don't know what 'true' bisexuality means).

Women fantasise about all sorts of shocking things but doesn't mean that they want to act on them and they don't define themselves based on their sexual fantasies.

And I don't think that this fantasy is stepping over any boundaries. You can try and drop little hints and make 'jokes' to gauge how he might react, but you are alread ymaking 'jokes' about him being gay and you a lesbian so you might be surprised at his reaction!

Trolleydolly71 · 04/04/2008 23:27

Message withdrawn

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 04/04/2008 23:32

I'm almost exactly the same, I have a male partner and one dc, I've always been attracted to women but never really gone past kissing one or two waaaay back in my late teens. I can only speak for myself but as much as I do fancy women I doubt I'd ever want a relationship with one so I don't think it's a matter of bisexuality so much as something sexual I haven't done- it could be bondage, or spanking, god I dunno- bumsex. It's the "What if..?" factor, in my opinion.

It's hard to live with what if's, that's for sure, but your partner sounds like a good 'un, so I would just tell him you have fantasies about women (I'm sure he'll handle it well, just tell him that monogomy is monogomy, doesn't matter which gender you're interested in) and let it enrich your sex life via shared fantasy rather than become an issue.

Remotew · 04/04/2008 23:44

Could it be a phase or have you felt like this for a while? I'm asking because I went through a phase around the age of 31 ish. Had all the fantasies etc.

I did have the opportunities to act on it but for some reason I could not do it. Now a few years on there is no way I'd want to have sex with a woman.

Now I'm glad it never happened.

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