Crazy MIL ruining my relationship after giving birth. NEED ADVICE!

[Saskia98]

For context I’m a FTM to a 10 week old baby. Super long one but please bare with. I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this but people on my partners side are very judgemental on the fact if my baby is crying I don’t want to give him to other people to hold. This is particularly an issue with MIL, for example one time I was holding my son and as soon as he starts crying (because he was hungry) she rushes over and puts her arms out to take him and says “give him here” I told her no. Another occasion I was holding LO trying to get him to sleep as he was really overtired, she asked if she could hold him I said yes as he was content at that moment, when I was passing him to her he started screaming so I said “aww he’s crying let me calm him”, all the while she was still trying to take him off me not letting go off him for a good 5-10 seconds. This happened when his parents and friends were round (they’re all Romanian, I’m English), and when this happened one of the friends said in Romanian to his mum “isn’t she going to let you hold him?” So I wouldn’t understand but my partner told me after. A couple of hours later (after MIL held him) he still wasn’t sleeping so whilst everyone was in the garden (smoking may I add, so I didn’t want LO around this either) I had him with me in the living room with the lights off so it was dark and quiet trying to rock him to sleep. My partner told me a few days later in an argument “everyone can see what you’re like, not letting MIL hold LO when he was crying and you were being so unsociable when everyone was in the garden and you were in the living room with LO”. Literally making out like everyone was talking about me. I would also like to add my MIL and I have had issues in the past, my partner had recently told me she continuously tried to get him to break up with me our whole relationship, even when I was pregnant (he said they’ve done this to every friendship or relationship he’s had as he’s an only child and they’re scared of ‘losing’ him so they don’t like things going well for him). When pregnant she told me “you look after the baby when he’s in your stomach and I look after him once he’s born”.She insisted on staying over the first night we came home with him, I didn’t want her to but told her I would wake him at a certain time to feed him (at the time he had jaundice so I had to wake him to be fed), when I woke up she then told me she already fed him. She showed up to our house without letting us know, I’ve lost count on the amount of ‘jokes’ she’s made about taking him to Romania without me. She bought a cot and car seat for her place without telling me, which he has and will never.m be staying over night there. Her and her husband have no problem arguing with my partner loudly in front of LO. We rent our place from them and when I finally set boundaries she blocked me on Facebook and threatened to kick us (including her own grandson) out. She continuously pulls the grandparent card. She moans at DH about me for feeding my own son (he’s both bf and bottle) and doing his nappy and not letting her do it (the last time she done his nappy she insisted on taking him to a separate room). His parents used to have physical fights when growing up and I don’t trust them to look after LO alone on the small chance of this happening and I’m not there to get LO out of the situation. My partner said if this was the other way round and it was my parents like it he would want me to cut them off. I’ll admit since MIL threatening to kick us out and making jokes about taking LO, I’ve not trusted her at all with him and even when I’m there I’m still on edge and don’t let her help as much anymore as what I previously did.

We’ve had countless about them as they’re his parents and he’s upset I won’t trust his mum with LO on her own etc. He’s a good dad and does his fair share with looking after the baby on weekends when he’s home from work but when we disagree with things he won’t even give any attention to LO and there’s been a couple of times when he’s just walked out after an argument. He’ll stand up for me infront of his parents but he’s acting like I’m the problem. I’m on maternity leave and I tend to do most the tidying late at night when DH and LO are sleeping as I genuinely do not have time during the day with look after LO. The house isn’t as tidy as it obviously used to be before we had baby and sometimes the washing gets built up and I don’t have the energy to tidy during the nights. During arguments he says I’m a great mum but what do I actually do all day because the cleanings not done and he does the cooking for us in the evenings. I feel like he needs a reality check as I stay up every night until 3 or 4am tidying or looking after LO and only sleep for a few hours in the morning. DH looks after LO for around 4 or 5 hours in the morning on weekends so I can sleep and a couple of hours before work on weekdays. This is the only chance I get to sleep. I tell him I appreciate him looking after our son in the morning but I need him to do some nights for me so I can actually get a nights sleep instead, but he never does help with the nights even on days he’s not working because he’s “too tired” and “he goes to work” even after having full night sleeps every single night and sometimes napping when he gets home from work or on weekends. Sometimes when I’m talking to him he will just full on ignore me because he’s not interested in what I’m saying (to be fair he’s been like this before I was pregnant but with the other issues between us now it’s really started to take a toll on things). I had an episiotomy and he watched the whole birth and now he’s not ready for us to be intimate again as he says he’s ’traumatised’ and ‘he keeps getting flashbacks of the sound of me being cut’. I know it’s not his fault for feeling this way but it’s making me feel so unattractive, especially as we’re barely affectionate in other ways now. I know people say you get in a roommate stage after having a baby but I don’t know how to get out of this rut.

Don’t get me wrong, he was amazing throughout my pregnancy and labour and really advocated for me during it. We had an amazing relationship the first month postpartum but things now have rapidly gone downhill. It’s not all him and I’ve also probably said some not nice things out of tiredness etc and he does so much for me and our son and we still have good times together but there’s starting to be times now that I really dislike him. I don’t know where to go from here as it’s really starting to put a strain on our relationship and I feel so guilty for our son as I just want things to be good again so he can grow up in a happy family unit. I’ve mentioned going to couples counselling but he thinks it’s a waste of money and doesn’t think we have any problems. Any advice would be much appreciated

Hmmmm, honestly, some of what you've written sounds like you've gone down a bit of a rabbit hole and you are just looking at absolutely everything though a negative lens. I don’t understand why your MIL can't change nappies? The comments about the fights with her husband, and baby not being around it, sounds a bit dramatic and quite unlikely. I'm also very unclear as to why you are staying up until 4am to clean, that's pure madness! Just do what you can during baby's day time naps and leave the rest. Really, I think lack of sleep is clouding your opinion on many things, try and address that first. STOP staying up at night to clean.

You have my sympathy. I was in a similar situation with my MIL. The only difference was she wasn't interested in the baby, just her son. She was always on the phone lecturing me about how I shouldn't ask my husband to cut the grass, do any DIY etc as this is what his ex wife asked of her son (ex-wife insisted no contact with MIL, hubby was estranged from MIL for years) . I would never ask that of my hubby but after our daughter was born I cut ties with her. When she called I would hand the phone to hubby, I did not visit and there were no invitations to visit us. Hard bounderies were required. I was aware she had tried to breakup all of her offspring's marriages and did not want that to happen to mine.
Your MIL is playing the same game, just because you rent from her does not give her the right to intrude, your home - your rules!
You should also talk to your husband about how her behaviour makes you feel and also how hurt and betrayed you feel with regards to talking about you behind your back. Ask for a united front. Ask him to acknowledge the need for privacy in your relationship. As a new mum, you need time for just the three of you to bond and get into a routine. It's time he realises that you and the baby are the priority, not his mother.

I would take the baby to my mum's or a friend. You need a break from this insane situation, you are clearly run down, need some rest and some sanity.

Separate the issues. His Mum can be put on the back-burner, your baby is too young to be left etc with her. He shouldn't be telling you what is said. You need more sleep/rest. Simplify the house and life as much as you can. Let standards slip. You've been recovering from birth, that's without a newborn to look after. I had sleep issues with my second, which in hindsight was the start of post natal depression. Is what you are arguing about important? It does seem that you need more affection and friendship in your relationship.

Ignore the first poster, your MIL sounds like a nightmare! Your husband isn't the great guy you think he is too! He sounds like a selfish arsehole and he should be sticking up for you in regards to MIL.

Not taking the baby for you to sleep? He's the babys dad, he should be making sure you get sleep too.

I'm 3 months post partum myself, don't get me wrong me and DH can bicker over sleep but we are around 60/40 in that area so neither of us is really sleep deprived. We are in the room mate phase so I've no advice in that area only that it does pass (we also have a toddler).

You are the babys mum and he'll settle best with you, there's nothing wrong in asking for him back when he's crying, it'll be you be wants anyway.

I'm sorry your going through this, you need plenty of good support in the PP phase. Do you have any friends or family close by?

Ummmm, actually, I think you have a DP problem, not a MIL problem. Although she does sound pretty awful too.

Why are you cleaning til 4am and not sleeping? How much mess are you making during the day that you need to clean for hours at night? Something is going very wrong here. Your baby is only 6 weeks old, you're in the everything is insane phase and it will pass but you can't survive on such little sleep. Your husband is being a total arse expecting you to have the house clean while caring for a 6 week old.

My advice - pick your battles. From your post, it sounds like everything is a battle when it doesn’t need to be.

For example, so what if she wants to change a nappy - accept the help and make your life easier. Who cares if she bought baby items for her place - doesn’t mean baby will start staying there when he’s this young. But keeping him inside when everyone is smoking - good idea.

It sounds like you’ve got to the point where everything she does is negative because your relationship has deteriorated so badly. I’ve got an overbearing MIL so I do understand, and the way I’ve tried to deal with it is asking myself whether I would respond or feel the same way if my own mum was doing whatever I was unhappy about.

However, staying up until 3 or 4am isn’t right at all. Does your husband help with the cleaning / tidying at all? If you’re busy with baby he MUST pull his weight there. And why is baby up so late? Is he a difficult one who won’t settle or are you staying awake despite baby being asleep?

Stop with the late night cleaning as that’s just stupid.

I had young babies in a flat in London. the stairs were a pain but it was small which made life simpler. There were 3 playgrounds, a swimming pool, a library, cafes and art galleries all within walking distance. They all offer baby and toddler stuff. It took about 10yrs for our families to accept that we weren’t going to move out of London.

Your baby is 10 weeks old. You're the mother and you do what you need to in order to provide your baby what he needs and to protect him. Your mil needs to back off. Stand your ground and they'll get used to your boundaries. It's normal that a crying 10 week old is comforted only by their mum.
Your dp needs to step up so you don't stay up late though I have feeling he won't.
While you live in a house your ils own, they'll always have a hold over you so have a plan for that.

I would be looking for new accommodation. Stressful I know, but will be less stress in the long run.

Stop cleaning until 3/4am. That's madness. Just let there be mess for a while! I have 4 kids... you learn to like the mess.

I think you need to say to MIl, ' I love that you want to help, but can I tell you what we need, rather than you guessing?' Then say what you need. Explain you need the baby when it cries as you need to feed him, then just say something like, so you don't get blocked ducts etc.

Talk to your husband. Remind him that this is his parents normal behaviour and they are causing problems.

Go out with the baby, even if it's a 5 minute walk. I know your tired but when the weather's good it will seriously lift your mood.

Also, find a mother/baby/toddler group locally. They where a god send for me when mine where small!

No idea why the cleaning needs to be done in the middle of the night and no I personally have no idea why babies have to be glued to the mothers, I happily let my ILs hold and do things for my baby and the world did not end, sure have this territorial 'my baby' thing if it makes you happy but no matter how many times people go on about hormones or whatever I still think this is plain weird

Honestly, your dp is the issue. Tell him you don’t care to hear what his relatives have said, you do not need to know it. Tell him (don’t ask!) that mil’s visits are going to be limited and she is not raising your dc, can’t believe she said that! Renting from them is obviously not ideal: can you move? Are your family nearby?

Stand up for yourself, I’m astonished you were told you were antisocial staying inside when they’re all fagging it outside. I can’t be around smoking, are you supposed to stick your baby in that environment?!

Your H is not your friend. Not only is he trying to bring you down with his criticism and demands about housekeeping (showing you very clearly what he percieves as a woman's role) but is also deliberately creating further tension between you and his mother. He is working hard at showing you you're not up to scratch. Not good enough in the home, not good enough for his family. I'm sorry. Its easier and less frightening to see this as a MiL problem than a deep flaw in your H, with the implications for your marriage, but I think there will be a time when you need to face this. If I were you, I'd be challenging him head on about his attitude towards you and his trouble making, and take it from there.

Huge sympathies, I’ve been in a similar situation myself.
first thing is sleep- you need to prioritise this. When baby sleeps, you need to rest. It’s dangerous to keep pushing yourself through not sleeping to do cleaning etc. you need to ignore any pressure to clean and just rest

you’re in a crazy patch of life now and totally exhausted so everything feels less manageable. Do whatever you can to take pressure off yourself. I know life will still be tough, but if there’s a choice between cleaning or watching a film and cuddling your baby, you know what to do!

dp and MIL are being rubbish and it’s clear how it’s upsetting you. I’m really sorry, I know how crazy making and distressing it is. If you are able to move away somewhere more of your own in the long run that will be better. If you all get kicked out It will clarify to your partner what his mother is like and in the long run make life easier. But I suspect she wouldn’t do it so as much as you can, try to not take that seriously.

I think your partner does deserve compassion for feeling traumatised by the birth, and it’s not a good idea to try to push him through this, like you say, the issue is probably more about general levels of affection and how you are feeling in yourself, both of those things should start to sort themselves out once everything starts to calm down

there's a lovely book I found helped me through - what do you want from me by Terri Apter, it’s about the very particular dynamic between mother in laws and daughter in laws. She sets out the dynamics of the problems you’re talking about, how they come about from everyone’s point of view, and what can be done to smooth the path. There will be a few things you can do, I do think one of the difficulties is that nobody realises how much power they’ve got and everyone gets very anxious about what everyone else is doing (your mil probably anxious about being excluded or left behind, your DP probably anxious about upsetting you/her/being caught in the middle). You do have a considerable amount of power as the babies mother, once you really know that and feel more calm in yourself it’s easier to let stuff go, grey wall the annoying stuff and pick your battles

ultimately, if your partner won’t back you up, then you do have a serious problem, but this is a new situation and it’s all very heated, and he does acknowledge how difficult it is when he is in the right state of mind. my advice is to do whatever you can to take the inflammation down starting with prioritising yourself more than cleaning and tell anyone who doesn’t like it they can bollocks off

Honestly OP. I think you are surrounded by very selfish people.
Your MIL is more interested in herself and playing granny than supporting you.
Your DH is thinking of himself first and all his comforts.
Do not buckle underneath them.
The first weeks of maternity is for you to bond with your baby, and everyone else to do everything else. That does include holding the baby when you need a break. But not when they are smoking outside.
You are being bullied by the pair of them. He may have been great whilst you were pregnant, but he doesn’t sound great now. He sounds jealous of the attention he is now not getting.
Stop doing the housework, you will burn yourself out. Do the bare minimum. If your MIL is so desperate to help then she can sodding do it

I’ve lost count on the amount of ‘jokes’ she’s made about taking him to Romania without me. She bought a cot and car seat for her place without telling me

The woman is dangerous. Grandparents do not have any rights in the UK. Where is your child's birth certificate? Ensure its no where that can be used to send off for a passport without your consent.

Your child's father is enabling this. He is choosing to play mind games, implying that no one likes the way you mother. If he's abusing you then he's not a good father.

If he's used to a toxic environment for a child to be brought up, perhaps he's treating you as the new scapegoat because he's always been the golden child? Look up triangulation.

Stop the bottle feeding. Contact a lactation consultant and get support to breastfeed only.

You are a protective mum with a very vulnerable baby. You are not a womb to rent. What a truly devastating situation to bring a tiny baby home that was seriously unwell and when you finally try to sleep, your mil has fed your baby. I think this speaks volumes about how she sees you.

Is there a way you can leave with your baby within the next 24 hours and stay somewhere possibly with emotional support?

I agree, the family are ruining your precious postpartum experience with your baby. Please consider leaving with your baby.

Some parts stood out to me...
Partner doesn't support you in any way with your issues with MIL. He is not your teammate.
When he falls out with you he takes it out on the baby. Are you going to be happy when he does that to a 4 year old who is aware?
What you are doing with regards to the house and baby is being treated negatively. Is there any thanks/ appreciation?
He is struggling with the birth, fine. But is he open to discussing your feelings about the birth and feelings about lack of intimacy or just his?
He should be doing one night a week. Assuming he does 5 working days at the weekend you both get a night off. This is not a negotiation. He doesn't get to work full time plus dinners while you work 24/7.
As for your mother in law, she isn't being respectful. He isn't supporting you.
Pretty much all of the above... It will get worse. Besides the MIL stuff I notice this exact pattern above and it escalated.