To not want to support husband's career!

[Turkishcoffee]

I'm aware the title is going to make me sound unreasonable, but I'm so fed up!

Husband is training for a new career (in his late 30s). He works all the time! I mean from 8am to around 9pm when he falls asleep on the sofa. He then goes to bed in the early hours and begins the cycle again.

I'm on maternity leave. He doesn't earn much so I still contribute equally to the household expenses (I used to earn more than him and we can't live on his pay alone). I do all the childcare and housework. I wouldn't mind, but I find him boring and grumpy all the time. He also complains he has no energy when he does a bit of housework on the weekend. I feel like he is killing our relationship.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way, or should I support him more?

A little bit unreasonable but I think I'd be equally frustrated. Is what he's training for going to make a big difference in terms of lifestyle for your family? If this is the case then I'd just have to suck it up until he qualifies.

What career for those hours? Is he leaving the house for work or actually starting work then and what’s going to happen when you go back to work?

How long is this supposed to go on for? Is his income going to increase a lot? He can’t know your baby at all, that’s awful for all of you. Of course you’re resentful! Are you going back to work? How is that going to work?

So he is expecting you to do all the housework all the childcare and put in 50% of the moneys and then complains if he does anythinf
how can you support him more

Is he actually enjoying the new job?! How long is the training and will the workload/ hours/pay improve when he’s qualified?

What are his career progression prospects like? Will he be killing it in 3 years so you can live the high life? Or, is he always going to work so much for so little? I couldn't support that long term tbh.

How long does he need to train for? Will it pay off in the long run? Did you agree before he signed up for it?

I hope so! There's no guarantee of a job after training though.

What is this new career, why is he falling asleep on the sofa, will he earn more once complete, if he gets a role? I'd be pissed off.

In my frustration I forgot to mention he works from home. It makes no difference to how much we see him really as he has his own home office.

Over the course of a relationship, there will be times when one partner picks up more of the slack than the other, to support career goals etc. I view this as acceptable, but the timing has to be right ( which it isn’t with a new baby). Was your dh already training for his new career prior to you ttc? Was there a discussion and agreement about it beforehand or did your dh make assumptions?

Did you discuss and agree this? do you expect it to turn into him happily pulling his weight financially and doing more housework /parenting? It’s ok to say I’m burning out carrying us both financially and on the home front, I know you’re trying but I hope you recognise I’m really really trying. You chose to do this as we have a baby and I could really do without your complaining of being tired every time you contemplate doing anything around the house while I’m up all night and doing just about everything. What’s the timeline here for when I get more help with parenting and housework? I need some help overnight with baby wakings, and that has to start now or I can’t go on.

Edit as cross posted - obviously not teaching then!

Whatever it is, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to feel how you feel - you’re picking up basically all of the slack and it doesn’t seem like he’s acknowledging or appreciating that.

Others have asked the pertinent questions about how long this is likely to last and whether the new career is ultimately going to benefit you all.

Im almost certain he could be doing SOME more in terms of parenting, domestic load AND keeping your relationship going. Maybe not much, but perhaps it’s worth booking some time in for a proper chat about how you’re feeling and what you both need to support each other and still feel like a couple through this.

It sounds rather convenient that this passion for studying has emerged at a he same time as your new baby.

It’s temporary and hopefully not too much longer until he’s qualified. It’s bound to be challenging if he’s working extra hard while you have a baby and need support, but it won’t be forever.

This is exactly how I feel right now. I don't know what exactly I am getting back from him after investing in him, and my own career has suffered as well as my savings. I know he is stressed but I don't really enjoy being around him much at the moment.

That sounds awful I know as we should be a partnership but it is how I feel. He is unclear about his future prospects - I personally feel he might struggle to find work after training when others have so much experience.

How long has he been doing this? How long is left? And if he doesn't get an offer, how portable is this training? I.e. If he doesn't get a job offer, can apply for the same job elsewhere or is it back to zero?

He had started the training before the baby, but the busyness has increased a lot since the baby was born - make of that what you will!

I think there is a year left but it is dependent on him passing modules.

Ok that makes it even more frustrating that there isn't a specific end goal.

Honestly in your situation I'd probably draw up a list. Him on one side and you on the other. Outline everything each of you do. Discuss what can be moved from your pile to his with the time he has available each day. For example he's WFH and not starting until 8am he has more than enough time to load/empty the dishwasher and put a load of washing on for example. There will be other things I can't think of now. It sounds like you are all having a tough time but he can't expect you to have all the plates in the air doing everything as you'll burn out.

How unreasonable you are depends on whether he was training before you got pregnant, or decided to start afterwards as it is spectacularly bad timing to go through two big changes at once.

That said, if he believes the training will turbo charge his career and his ability to provide for you as a family then I think you all just need to struggle through until he completes. Sometimes pregnancy can get to men like that. My dad went self-employed when my mum got pregnant!!!

I’d ask him what he thinks he’s bringing to the relationship, because it doesn’t seem like there’s much in this for you.

I think your situation is exacerbated by your being at home on maternity leave too. If you were back at work and the baby in childcare you might not feel/see the impact of his work and study regime as much. I suspect some of it irks you because he is there but not "present" if you get my meaning. If you weren't in the home during the day ot may be less annoying

What is he training for?

Didn’t you discuss all this beforehand? 🤷‍♀️