Am I just selfish or are my parents toxic?

Starsunnyspot · 2024-05-21T18:55:42+00:00

I will try not to bore you with too much of the details but I desperately need some help to understand what to do. My mom left my dad when I was 14. She met another man and ran of abroad to live with him. She abandoned our family and it left my dad broken, he went into a massive depression and financially struggled to keep the house running. My sister who is a year younger rebelled started selling drugs and who knows what else to try to fund the Bills to support our dad. Eventually she got in with the wrong crowd and has been in and out of prison since. I doubt she will ever be ok. I suffered mental illness and tried to comit suicide multiple times but never told anyone as I was the "only person holding it together". When I was 20 my mom came back to the UK after splitting with her partner. She would often go clubbing with me, I was ok with it as I just wanted my mom. Now I'm in my 30s, I still just want my mom but I don't think she knows how to be a mother. I realise she has literally ruined everyone's life, I'm trying to have a relationship with her but she is a alcoholic and calls me everyday crying or bitching about someone. I have told her to stop calling me if she's had a drink. She offers me and my children no maternal Benefit and when I see her call I feel sick. Am I being unreasonable?should I forgive and forget? I've tried to get her help but she has declined. My dad is very selfish and although he has been constantly around, he has never been a dad since my mom left. Whenever he calls me he moans about her and what she's done even though it was 20 years ago. Both of them are draining me. I want to cut ties or at least set boundaries but is this selfish? Should you be there for family no matter what or is it ok to say you've hurt me and I'm finished?

PippyLongTits · 21/05/2024 20:01

Your mum doesn't want to be your mum. She made that clear when she left, and now she still doesn't want to be your mum, she wants to be your friend. She wants to go out clubbing and use you as a sounding board when she's drunk or needs a moan. Do you want her as your friend? Would you accept this behaviour from any other friend?

maddening · 21/05/2024 20:30

They are just dysfunctional humans- you are right to limit their impact on your life and you should decide what terms future contact, if any, you maintain.

I think you should tell them how you feel and how they impacted you and your sister, not looking for apologies or anything as they may not be capable, but to know they have at least heard. It is hard but I would work on making your life happy and seek genuine contentment - and if that means they are not around you then so be it. You don't owe them anything, while I feel sorry for you dad it was up to him to address his issues, no-one could have done it for him,

justafleshwound2024 · 21/05/2024 20:32

I'm so sorry. How terrible for you. You're not being unreasonable.

NC10384 · 21/05/2024 20:34

Not unreasonable at all. You don’t owe these people anything. Go NC with both of them.

StormingNorman · 21/05/2024 20:40

what would bring you inner peace?

Original poster

Starsunnyspot · 21/05/2024 20:47

Dot my mom to stop drinking and actually be there for me and her grandchildren and for my dad to care about someone or something besides my mom. But neither of those things are under my control. I guess I just need to keep a distance and protect my peace

OP posts:

Musntapplecrumble · 21/05/2024 22:04

Lavender14 · 21/05/2024 22:12

Ah op, I'm sorry you have had to go through all of that.

I think for me when the dynamic changed with my own family it was when I accepted the people they were instead of who i wanted them to be, my mum in particular... I felt constantly let down that she was harsh and critical and nasty and at times abusive because I wanted her to be like my friends mums - supportive and warm and like their friend now they'd grown up.

Accepting that that isn't who my mum is, helped me in a weird way. It sucks that I still don't and won't have that experience of a maternal mother figure in my life, but I'm able to maintain a relationship with her and take it for what it is so it hurts less and its helped me have much stricter boundaries in the process. If she's nasty or abusive I refuse to deal with her and now I care much less about that.

I focus my energy into making sure I create a really healthy parent dynamic for my son. I did a lot of counselling and went low and then no contact for a while until I got to this point so it didn't happen overnight.

I think in this instance op you need to prioritise yourself and your own little family unit and do what feels best for you. If that means stepping back then that is OK. Your parents have fallen into the trap of being parented by you instead of parenting you and you are absolutely allowed to break that cycle in whatever way you need to. You're not being unreasonable at all.

DrJonesIpresume · 21/05/2024 22:21

Seems like your mum destroyed your dad, and he has never got over it. He's probably been suffering from depression for years, so it wouldn't have been easy for him to be the dad you needed (and still need). Has he had counselling or therapy? Have you?

Original poster

Starsunnyspot · 21/05/2024 22:49

Lavender14 · 21/05/2024 22:12

Ah op, I'm sorry you have had to go through all of that.

I think for me when the dynamic changed with my own family it was when I accepted the people they were instead of who i wanted them to be, my mum in particular... I felt constantly let down that she was harsh and critical and nasty and at times abusive because I wanted her to be like my friends mums - supportive and warm and like their friend now they'd grown up.

Accepting that that isn't who my mum is, helped me in a weird way. It sucks that I still don't and won't have that experience of a maternal mother figure in my life, but I'm able to maintain a relationship with her and take it for what it is so it hurts less and its helped me have much stricter boundaries in the process. If she's nasty or abusive I refuse to deal with her and now I care much less about that.

I focus my energy into making sure I create a really healthy parent dynamic for my son. I did a lot of counselling and went low and then no contact for a while until I got to this point so it didn't happen overnight.

I think in this instance op you need to prioritise yourself and your own little family unit and do what feels best for you. If that means stepping back then that is OK. Your parents have fallen into the trap of being parented by you instead of parenting you and you are absolutely allowed to break that cycle in whatever way you need to. You're not being unreasonable at all.

Thank you so much for sharing your story sorry you have had a difficult time with your mother. I agree I definitely do feel like their parent.
I think I will just focus on creating a relationship with them that has boundaries and focus on my family

OP posts:

Original poster

Starsunnyspot · 21/05/2024 22:53

DrJonesIpresume · 21/05/2024 22:21

Seems like your mum destroyed your dad, and he has never got over it. He's probably been suffering from depression for years, so it wouldn't have been easy for him to be the dad you needed (and still need). Has he had counselling or therapy? Have you?

Yes, she has massively destroyed him. She was his whole world and even though he says he is over it he definitely is not. She has started to call him drunk recently telling him she loves him which is completely unfair as it's not true she is just bored.
No none of us have ever had any counselling, I think as time goes on you just start to think this is normal

OP posts:

sprigatito · 21/05/2024 22:53

These people have had more than their fair share of your time and energy. You owe them nothing. I would stop contact with them both and focus on your own happiness and future. If you want to leave the door open a crack for a more functional relationship in the future, when you can be confident of setting and maintaining cast iron boundaries, that's up to you.

wellington77 · 22/05/2024 00:34

I think you need to be honest to both of your parents and tell them how you feel, hopefully at least your dad will change his ways- I’d give him the chance to do so

StandardSize14 · 22/05/2024 00:36

It's hard to discover that parents are just people warts and all

size4feet · 22/05/2024 08:05

Sadly your parents like you and your sister are damaged people. Damaged people do damaging things

Your parents damaged you and your sister. Something in turn damaged your parents

You seem to be working hard to break the cycle which is commendable

5128gap · 22/05/2024 08:11

You need to look after you. If that makes you feel (unnecessarily) guilty, then think of your own children. I'm sure you want to be as well as possible emotionally, and to be able to give them your full focus. Your parents are draining from you resources you could be giving to them. You absolutely should cut them off. You have given and given to them, and its time to accept that no matter how much you try, these will never be healthy relationships. Concentrate on the relationships you have where they will be mutuality enriching.

DrJonesIpresume · 22/05/2024 13:30

Starsunnyspot · 21/05/2024 22:53

Yes, she has massively destroyed him. She was his whole world and even though he says he is over it he definitely is not. She has started to call him drunk recently telling him she loves him which is completely unfair as it's not true she is just bored.
No none of us have ever had any counselling, I think as time goes on you just start to think this is normal

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Perhaps it is time for you, your dad and your sibling to look at having some counselling, maybe?

Your mum is an alcoholic, and that is a whole different ball game and I wouldn't know where to go with that.

Sapphire387 · 22/05/2024 13:54

I think I would see your mum and dad differently. Your mum was the one who left, she's an alcoholic, she's destructive.

Your dad was the one who stayed. I imagine he was devastated. I think there's a difference between a parent who tries their best under difficult circumstances, compared to one who just packs up and leaves.

wibblywobblywoo · 22/05/2024 16:30

I'm so sorry that this has all happened to you OP, it's rubbish and it's still being rubbish for you. And that's really the crux of your situation - you need to interact with both of your parents as the people they are not as the people you would like them to be. If that means low (or no) contact that YOU control and call the shots on then that's what you do - good boundaries that protect you from all their issues.

You cannot fix them, you can't turn back the clock, but you can take charge of you and your family's life in relation to your parents going forwards - be strong because you know you're right. Good luck.