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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have been there?

53 replies

Sunny678 · 21/05/2024 19:34

I'm a KS1 TA at a primary school and recently my class teacher had an email from some angry parents wanting a meeting. Essentially, I witnessed a serious incident which was instigated by their son and the class teacher reported it to the parents. The parents said their son denied it and they wanted to have a meeting about it. The class teacher was very nervous and asked me and another TA who is a 1:1 in our class to join. The parents are known to be quite intimidating and nasty apparently. Often raising their voices. I'm 21 and this is my first year in a school, I've never had a meeting with parents before so didn't know what to expect. The headteacher was aware I would be in the meeting and didn't attend himself. During the meeting, the parents were incredibly aggressive, rude and shouting over us so nobody could get a word in. The dad was slamming his hands down on the table. I was honestly in shock and the class teacher left the room crying before any of us had the chance to speak, leaving me and the other TA there. As I tried to defend what I'd seen, the parents got increasingly more annoyed and told me I was accusing their son of lying by simply saying that I'd witnessed it and describing the situation. He was getting even more irate and I then put my hand up and had to ask him to stop shouting which made everything even worse and he called me condescending. I then left the room because I was on the verge of tears and I went to get the head teacher. The head teacher later told me that I shouldn't have even defended myself at that point or put my hand up as it made it worse. The parents have now lodged an official complaint to the governors about me saying I'm spreading lies about their child. The head has sent a letter to the parents saying I've been 'reprimanded' and also reminding them about their conduct within school. I've also been given a letter of expectation I believe to appease the parents... The child never got any punishment and it was like nothing ever happened.
Should I have even been there? My mum says I'm too inexperienced to involved with heated parents like that and the SLT should've been involved. Part of me blames myself for even trying to engage with them and making it worse but my mum thinks I'm being used as a scapegoat. Would love to hear your thoughts, I'm really worried this is going to affect my career.

OP posts:
AprilPoisson · 21/05/2024 20:22

NEU also cover support staff or Unison
Support staff | National Education Union (neu.org.uk)
Sadly, by not already being a member I'm not sure the NEU can take up your case now. Same with Unison, you'd need to check.
Education services | UNISON in your workplace | UNISON National
However ACAS might be able to help you.
Contact Acas Helpline: You can call the Acas helpline at 0300 123 1100

Disciplinary appeal letter template | Acas

StormingNorman · 21/05/2024 20:24

You were left to handle a very tricky situation you didn’t have the emotional or professional maturity to handle.

You were made the scapegoat here and should hand the letter of expectation back. Do it politely with a letter of your explaining why.

Original poster
Sunny678 · 21/05/2024 20:24

So the day it happened the head called me to his office and basically told me I shouldn't have engaged with them and that he's telling the parents I'm going to have a warning but that he's not actually going to give me one because he agreed with me. This was about 2 weeks ago. Then today he asks me to his office again and gives me the letter, saying he was told by HR to do it. Who is this mysterious HR? We don't have an HR department, we're a tiny 1 form entry village school. Does he mean the governors? I'm confused and feel like I'm being manipulated a little...

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 21/05/2024 20:30

I’m a primary teacher.
I disagree with PP saying that you shouldn’t be in the meeting. TA s in my school regularly attend meetings with teachers if the subject involves them.
Your age and inexperience is a bit irrelevant. You were not in there by yourself and you were the main witness to the incident. This is the job you are being paid for. If you’re not old enough to do it then you need to find another job. This is how you become experienced.
However I believe the rest of it has been appallingly badly dealt with.
The headteacher should have been in the meeting.
You are right to defend yourself.
The child in question and their awful parents should have been removed.
I would suggest you write everything down. All the details you can remember and everything that was said by all parties. Keep it factual and emotion free.
Look up the procedure at your school for making a complaint as a member of staff.

GCITC · 21/05/2024 20:30

I would be asking for the contact details of HR so you can put in a complaint re the headteachers' decisions.

Smartiepants79 · 21/05/2024 20:31

The education authority will have an HR

AprilPoisson · 21/05/2024 20:38

No HR. He's protecting his own back as he's potentially lied to parents about the reprimand.
Governors maybe but unlikely. Business manager also unlikely.
You need to send a letter but, aware of reference being needed in the future, I'd speak to ACAS tomorrow and check whether they agree with the following and whether to send a copy to governors or not, or have that in reserve.

Dear Headteacher,
I am writing to formally appeal against the decision to issue me with a letter of expectations on 21st May 2024.
My reasons for appeal are as follows:

I disagree with the way this complaint from parents has been handled.
I disagree with the way disciplinary action has been taken when I was told in private in a meeting on the (date) that you agreed with my actions.
I do not believe I was unprofessional in my dealings with the parents on (date).
I am unhappy that I was asked to attend a potentially divisive meeting, to support a colleague, without any thought to protecting my wellbeing.
I strongly believe that a senior leader ought to have been present.

I would be grateful if you would let me know when and where we can meet to discuss my appeal. I want this letter removed from my employee records as I have done nothing to warrant receiving it.
I would like to be accompanied at the meeting by [NEU or Unison rep for your school or the area if there is a conflict of interests or ACAS member].

Yours sincerely,
[Your name]

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 21/05/2024 20:38

Talk to your new union rep. Get them to arrange a meeting with the Head and HR.
I do think its worth fighting as I don't think you did anything wrong. But get your union to do it, they will know what to do.
But most important start looking for another job. This headteacher is not up to the job and things will not get better at this school.
But remember those ghastly parents and their offspring will not have a good life. They already have a life that makes them angry and aggressive and deeply unhappy.

AprilPoisson · 21/05/2024 20:39

Smartiepants79 · 21/05/2024 20:31

The education authority will have an HR

You think the LA has told him to do this?

AzureSheep · 21/05/2024 20:41

You’ve been really badly let down by SLT. You should never have been in that meeting. If parents are well known for aggression, school should not have allowed the in person meeting in the first place. My instinct would be to kick up a fuss, challenge the head, refuse to accept the letter he gave you etc.

Having said that - does the job work for you at this time? Do the hours suit you, other than this incident are you enjoying it, is it somewhere you can stay for a bit to gain some experience / confidence? If so, is it worth hanging in there for a bit? Don’t make things uncomfortable for yourself if so.

Your head sounds awful, and if you’re ever approached by a governor they would absolutely want to hear about this.

Balloonhearts · 21/05/2024 20:45

I'd file a grievance to have it redacted as you did nothing wrong (I'd have told him to sit down and stop shouting or police would be called and him removed) and also a complaint about his conduct as he should have been present if the parents were known to be aggressive. But then we don't take any of that shit where I work. Aggressive people are told to leave and the violent ones end up in court.

Smartiepants79 · 21/05/2024 20:45

AprilPoisson · 21/05/2024 20:39

You think the LA has told him to do this?

Show quote history

I’ve no idea but that is where the schools HR department and support will come from. The education authority.

Nottherealslimshady · 21/05/2024 20:49

Absolutely appalling that the head allowed that to happen and wasn't present.
Who is above a head teacher becuase you need to complain about that. By the end there was one TA left alone with them? Not OK to allow his staff to be treated that way.

You can see where the kid gets it from, imagine his home life.

Richard1985 · 21/05/2024 22:51

If you have no dependents and live with your parents then I would suggest handing in your resignation tomorrow morning and getting a sick note for stress to cover the notice period (or just tell them you are leaving with immediate effect due to the way this matter has been handled)

Life is far too short to be dealing with this crap unless you are desperate for the money

VJBR · 21/05/2024 22:52

Sounds like the head is happy for you to be the scapegoat. Definitely take it further.

Anele22 · 21/05/2024 23:18

Sunny678 · 21/05/2024 20:02

Thanks for your responses. What union should I join? Not sure how it works
Sorry I just said my age to show I'm completely inexperienced. I didn't put my hand up like I was asking a question I more showed him my palm in a 'stop' kinda action. I feel so silly

No, you’re not silly. You did the right thing. Assertive and clear. You shouldn’t have been put in that situation and your age is quite relevant. Appalling for senior staff to put you in that position.

Sunnysummer24 · 21/05/2024 23:21

OP this is far too identifying. You need to get this thread removed for your sake.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 21/05/2024 23:22

ZenNudist · 21/05/2024 19:53

What shitty treatment by the teacher and the head. Have you got a union rep? I'd join pronto and be making a complaint about being left to deal with known aggressive parents as your first parent interaction. Also you're a TA you should not have been in the meeting. The head and the teacher should have dealt with it.

The teacher sounds like a right wet blanket. She should have ended the meeting when they started shouting.

I don't see why saying stop shouting was wrong. I think raising your hand was odd and child like.

Personally I'd find a better job. Go get some training to do something with better pay that don't put you in situations where you are shouted at.

Another vote for the union. Appalling behaviour from the teacher and head. How dare the teacher walk out and leave you with aggressive parents?

AngryBookworm · 21/05/2024 23:30

OP you did the right thing contacting the union. The head should have been in the meeting; the teacher shouldn't have walked out (but maybe working in a school where the SLT don't have your back has worn her down too). The head ABSOLUTELY shouldn't have said he'd write you up, then told you he wouldn't, then done it (from what I can see?). This is a sign of poor leadership so it's worth getting the letter removed and getting out. Good luck.

WineIsMyMainVice · 21/05/2024 23:32

It sounds to me like an informal letter which is not a formal warning. Therefore can’t/wont be mentioned in a reference or outside of the school - which is possibly what the Head means…
You sound like you have been completely used in this situation as others have said. I hope you’re ok op….

Alicewinn · 21/05/2024 23:33

Sunny678 · 21/05/2024 19:34

I'm a KS1 TA at a primary school and recently my class teacher had an email from some angry parents wanting a meeting. Essentially, I witnessed a serious incident which was instigated by their son and the class teacher reported it to the parents. The parents said their son denied it and they wanted to have a meeting about it. The class teacher was very nervous and asked me and another TA who is a 1:1 in our class to join. The parents are known to be quite intimidating and nasty apparently. Often raising their voices. I'm 21 and this is my first year in a school, I've never had a meeting with parents before so didn't know what to expect. The headteacher was aware I would be in the meeting and didn't attend himself. During the meeting, the parents were incredibly aggressive, rude and shouting over us so nobody could get a word in. The dad was slamming his hands down on the table. I was honestly in shock and the class teacher left the room crying before any of us had the chance to speak, leaving me and the other TA there. As I tried to defend what I'd seen, the parents got increasingly more annoyed and told me I was accusing their son of lying by simply saying that I'd witnessed it and describing the situation. He was getting even more irate and I then put my hand up and had to ask him to stop shouting which made everything even worse and he called me condescending. I then left the room because I was on the verge of tears and I went to get the head teacher. The head teacher later told me that I shouldn't have even defended myself at that point or put my hand up as it made it worse. The parents have now lodged an official complaint to the governors about me saying I'm spreading lies about their child. The head has sent a letter to the parents saying I've been 'reprimanded' and also reminding them about their conduct within school. I've also been given a letter of expectation I believe to appease the parents... The child never got any punishment and it was like nothing ever happened.
Should I have even been there? My mum says I'm too inexperienced to involved with heated parents like that and the SLT should've been involved. Part of me blames myself for even trying to engage with them and making it worse but my mum thinks I'm being used as a scapegoat. Would love to hear your thoughts, I'm really worried this is going to affect my career.

Sounds like a weak leader you've got there, you did nothing wrong, in fact you did well to stand up to those awful parents. I'd maybe leave and go to a better school, that one sounds quite shit

Fraaahnces · 21/05/2024 23:34

I think you have been treated appallingly by your head. He basically threw you under the bus and then by allowing you to take the blame for this, has given the parents and the kid carte blanche to continue behaving like this. I would speak to your union after diarising exactly what happened and what was said (while it’s fresh) and get the other teacher and head to sign everything.

billyt · 21/05/2024 23:35

Another sloping shoulders SLT.

Take the big money and shit all over everyone else.

Limesodaagain · 21/05/2024 23:39

Sunny678 · 21/05/2024 19:34

I'm a KS1 TA at a primary school and recently my class teacher had an email from some angry parents wanting a meeting. Essentially, I witnessed a serious incident which was instigated by their son and the class teacher reported it to the parents. The parents said their son denied it and they wanted to have a meeting about it. The class teacher was very nervous and asked me and another TA who is a 1:1 in our class to join. The parents are known to be quite intimidating and nasty apparently. Often raising their voices. I'm 21 and this is my first year in a school, I've never had a meeting with parents before so didn't know what to expect. The headteacher was aware I would be in the meeting and didn't attend himself. During the meeting, the parents were incredibly aggressive, rude and shouting over us so nobody could get a word in. The dad was slamming his hands down on the table. I was honestly in shock and the class teacher left the room crying before any of us had the chance to speak, leaving me and the other TA there. As I tried to defend what I'd seen, the parents got increasingly more annoyed and told me I was accusing their son of lying by simply saying that I'd witnessed it and describing the situation. He was getting even more irate and I then put my hand up and had to ask him to stop shouting which made everything even worse and he called me condescending. I then left the room because I was on the verge of tears and I went to get the head teacher. The head teacher later told me that I shouldn't have even defended myself at that point or put my hand up as it made it worse. The parents have now lodged an official complaint to the governors about me saying I'm spreading lies about their child. The head has sent a letter to the parents saying I've been 'reprimanded' and also reminding them about their conduct within school. I've also been given a letter of expectation I believe to appease the parents... The child never got any punishment and it was like nothing ever happened.
Should I have even been there? My mum says I'm too inexperienced to involved with heated parents like that and the SLT should've been involved. Part of me blames myself for even trying to engage with them and making it worse but my mum thinks I'm being used as a scapegoat. Would love to hear your thoughts, I'm really worried this is going to affect my career.

I’m a teacher and I’m really sorry you’ve not been properly supported. The headteacher sounds completely useless. Your mum is right - if these parents were known to be difficult the SLT should have been present in the meeting.

sososotocvfgft · 22/05/2024 00:16

Pretty much everything was handled incorrectly by the school. I personally don't think these parents should have direct access to teaching or support staff if they behave like that.

Firstly: You need to join a Union if you are working in education. I didn't, but I only taught for a few years in very well-run schools and it was over 12 years ago. No way would I be working in a school right now without being a union member.

Secondly: You should start looking for a new job in a new school which respects and supports it's staff.