To go f**k it and contact bio father.

[User26273637837368282]

I am in my early thirties and never met my bio father, well actually he supposedly seen me a few times as a child but I have no memory. I must of been pretty young.

he had children before I was born and children with his new wife since I was born and seems like a good dad to them. But not me

my mum has always had me thinking that it was just that he didn’t want to see me, but over the years it has come to light my mum made it extremely difficult for him. I get it though, she was young and heartbroken because he cheated but supposedly other male relatives threatened him physically and scare him away. Apparently even my bio fathers dad would knock every day to try come see me but they wouldn’t allow him. I’m not blaming my mum though, he should have fought harder I guess.

I’ve always wanted to meet him but always been too scared to tell my mum. He lives locally and feel like she would find out if I didn’t tell her but if I did she may flip (she has a temper) or make it all about her. She’s often talked about how he broke her heart which I get but she’s never spoke about how it might of affected me. I mean he might not want to meet me but if he did I feel like she would want to come 🫣

but aibu to think should I just do it and see how it goes? Using the excuse I need to speak to him over family history relating to a certain condition and if it could be genetic. I have a family history form to fill out. The doctor said it doesn’t overly matter if I can’t get history from that side but that it could be beneficial.

sorry for rambling.

it’s too late to have any kind of fatherly daughter relationship, that ship has long sailed however I would like to meet at least once for closure if anything.

if he thinks I take after my mother he probably wouldn’t want to see me as she has some issues and isn’t always a nice person but I like to think in the opposite and grew up to be a good person despite all my childhood traumas.

has anyone else experienced anything like this?

I’ve dreamt of meeting him for a long time and for whatever reason it hasn’t happened.

You have every right to contact your father and have a relationship with him. It doesn't have to (and probably shouldn't) involve your mother. In fact, don't tell her if you think she might kick off, or insist on accompanying you.

If what you have heard is correct and your mother prevented your father from seeing you, she has deprived you of the chance to know your father and half siblings as you grew up. You deserve the chance to make up for lost time now.

I hope it all goes well for you. ❤️

If you believe that meeting him will act as a closure and answer a few questions you probably have, I would do it. And without being morbid, do it before it's too late.

Whether you ever meet him twice, or ever tell your mum - I'd decide that after your meet up.

If you do it - I hope it goes well.

If you want to do this then you should do it, despite what anyone else may think or feel.

I wouldn't tell her, not at first. Maybe after the meeting you will decide you don't want to see him again. You get your closure and no hassle from your mum.

If it goes well and you do decide to carry on getting to know each other then you can reconsider letting her know (not asking her permission, telling her how it is.)

Definitely meet him but don't tell dm.
Tbh from your post he behaved badly but your DM's behavior is despicable.
Whatever went on between them is no reason to deprive a DC of their Father or a Father from their DC.
Threats of violence, not letting the dgf see you, absolutely disgusting.
You're dm would want to accompany you, fuck that.
She sounds like a nightmare

Meet him but don't tell your mum in advance.

You do not need additional complications if she will put her agenda and pov ahead of yours.

But... Get some counselling - you need to prepare for the feelings this could throw up and for the range of possible reactions you could get...

Don't just dive in unsupported.

To cut a very long story short, I met my birth father and my seven biological siblings for the first time in 2022. (I was adopted which I knew, but didn’t know about my siblings). Very different situation as I did grow up with a mum and dad, but I haven’t regretted it and am starting to build a good relationship with them all. I hung back for a few years beforehand doubting whether they’d want to know me, worried about my own dad’s reaction etc., but you never know unless you try and you can never really get closure either, well at least that’s how I felt. I think you should go ahead and not tell your DM initially, as others suggest.

i’m in a bit of an unconventional situation with my own DD’s father, but I would never shut him out of her life, as I know too well what it’s like to be kept in dark about these things. Therapy definitely way to go too, if it’s something you can do. Good luck xx

My half brother was in your position. He drunkenly reached out to our dad in his 30s and they enjoyed several years making up for lost time before our dad died.

I'm so glad he came forward, I was shocked obviously but love my 'new' half brother!

I think you should get counselling first.

You say you don't expect a dad/daughter relationship but that you've "dreamed" of meeting him and that he sounds like a good dad but your mum is difficult.

I genuinely think if you meet him without counselling first you are walking into a world of hurt. If he turns out to be a let down I think you'd feel very let down by your parents and at sea and without support. The actual damage of finding out that yes, he's a good dad but doesn't want to be to you would be devastating.

By all means, if you want to make contact then do it, it’s your decision full stop.
However, if he wanted to see you then he would have but he did not. He could have taken your mum to court for access. Too easy to blame other people for being an absent dad. Not at all your mum or mums families fault. He is wanted to part of your life then he would have been.

Thanks guys. You all make excellent points.

i agree I probably need counselling - not just because of the bio dad thing 😂

I have been referred twice for counselling and was told that I had to talking therapy/CBT which I found pants!

I don’t want a father daughter relationship. I had a male figure in my life with my grandad then later on my stepdad somewhat but looking at my DP with our daughter makes me realised he was wrong for not trying to see but also my mum shouldn’t have made it hard for him. I think they were both young and immature and couldn’t put their differences aside for the sake of their child…