AIBU to think about moving?

[Cherryicepop]

I have recently separated from my husband of 20 years. He had a mental breakdown a few years ago and hasn't worked since. He is still unwell really, and is not able to do or handle much on a day to day basis.

Long story short - I am now in the family home with my two dc, both neurodiverse teens. We originally bought the house 9 years ago as a renovation project. However my husband could not cope with either people coming in to do the work, spending money, or doing any work himself, so very little has actually been done. The house needs a lot of work doing to it - new carpets, bathrooms are both unfinished, most of the rooms need repainting, half renovated garage, large garden like a jungle.

I am feeling so overwhelmed. I am working 4 days a week in a stressful job. I have ADHD and find it hard to keep on top of things as it is,l - working, dealing with the dc (one of whom is currently doing GCSEs) etc, let alone all the updating and renovating of this house that's required. We do have some savings that I could potentially use to do some of the renovations, but I feel I don't have the energy, and also my heart isn't really in it, as I would basically be doing it to just live in it for a few years and then sell. It was going to be our forever home, but obviously isn't any more.

My husband is currently renting a place nearby and has the kids one night a week. The plan was for me to live here with the kids for the next 5 years until our youngest is 18, then sell the house, split the equity and both buy somewhere smaller. To be honest, I would love somewhere smaller right now, that did not require any work, was easy to clean and keep on top of, and had a manageable garden. However, I feel the house we're in now is better for the dc as there is a lot of space, and they like it and are familiar with it. If we moved now, they would have to deal with that as well as the fact that me and husband have recently separated.

I don't know what to do - stay for the next 5 years and feel like I am constantly treading water to keep afloat and maintain this house, or move into a more manageable property and deal with the disruption of that. Has anyone been in a similar situation or got any thoughts?!

Bump

I think its a tricky situation and you really have to do what's right for everyone but in particular you. I expect you'd find it easier to cope with life and parenting if you were feeling less overwhelmed

A fresh start might be a good thing for all of uou. .

Moving is expensive and stressful - can you spend that budget on new carpets , finish the bathrooms and get someone to clear the jungle ? Or even just one of those might help it the feeling of being overwhelmed

You could move and end up in a house needing just as much work six months down the line. New builds are not exempt from issues either if you were thinking of one.

In regards to renovations, if you can get away with not doing them then don't. If you wanted to just get a fresh lick of paint everywhere then there are options. Perhaps get a painter and decorator in and go away on holiday with the kids for a week, likewise carpets if they absolutely have to be done. You aren't there then, they do what they need to and it isn't more stress on you. In regards to the jungle look on your town Facebook page. Often people post looking for odd jobs and cash in hand. They'd with a strimmer and a couple of hours probably make it a little more manageable.

Thanks all. Yes, moving is expensive and I know all houses do usually need work at some point.

I think I am just feeling overwhelmed and probably part of it is because I have recently separated and the realisation that my ex does not have any capacity to help me sort the house and garden out (even though we jointly own it) so it's all on me.

Thanks for the suggestions of how to get the jobs done - it's really helpful. I've felt paralysed as there seems so much to do, but maybe just taking it one task at a time is what I need to do.

I think most people would be paralysed. You've had a lot going on please be kind to yourself. How do you normally help overwhelm? (I'm not very educated on ADHD apologies). I am not ND but am quite forgetful so I have lists on my phone. Whenever something pops in my head I write it down. I can then keep coming back to it and marking things off, adjusting them, prioritising them etc.

@Chocolateorange22 Thank you. Re overwhelm - I'm not sure what strategies I have really. I tend to procrastinate and feel paralysed. That's a good idea to use lists though - I definitely find "to do" lists helpful but for some reason haven't been using them recently. But I think I need to re this house renovation situation.

I am ND and could procrastinate for England! When I feel myself heading towards that overwhelm paralysis I tell myself, “just do one thing”.

I don’t try to prioritise or even be particularly rational about what I choose. I just go for the thing that is bugging me most. As the list gets smaller, and the anxiety gets smaller, you’ll be able to start thinking more clearly.

What job takes up most headspace? Do that one.