Reducing contact with DM

[Spiderweb13]

Apologies for the super long post and thank you to anyone who manages to get through it all. This is quite a complex situation and spans over many years and also most of my childhood. I will probably miss some details but I just need to get this off my chest.

To summarise what has sparked this decision to go no contact, DH and I have decided to move away to a cheaper area after we found out I’m pregnant with our second child. We can’t afford the area we live in at the moment. We originally moved here to be as close to DM as possible. My DF passed 4 years ago and DM hasn’t handled it well. So we tried to find any area close by to be near her.

Our rent has gone up an extortionate amount, as have most of the properties in the area. So we’ve decided a sensible choice would be to move to a cheaper area where we can afford a bigger house. We’ve found a place we love, with good schools, nice neighbourhoods, lots to do for kids, DH family is not too far away so still have family support if we need it. It seemed perfect.

I let DM know and reassured her we would still make an effort to see her. I told her we have a spare bedroom so she can stay with us as much as she needs or wants to. We are willing to also travel to her once or twice a month. The journey is 2 hours by train or 3.5 hours by car.

She took this really badly. The tears started straight away and so did the manipulation and toxic behaviour. In the last few weeks, she has attempted to turn family members against me, she has lied about what my family thinks of my decision (I confronted said family members and they said they never said anything about it and fully support us). She has ripped into DH and thinks he has manipulated me into making this decision. She has claimed the whole family have always disliked DH (not the case). She has threatened to kill herself and told me I have driven her to this. She said she will not come and visit because of the journey time. Yet in the last few weeks, she has been abroad twice and to 3 different cities to see friends.

DF and DM also gave me a sum of money to help towards my future. She has requested it all back and I have willingly sent it back to her, no questions asked.

Every single day, I am anticipating another text message, another call, another accusation. I’m waking up with anxiety and crying almost every day. Im not enjoying life at all. I can’t believe this decision has sparked so much rage in her. I am just trying to do what I think is best for my growing family.

This is the most recent example of her behaviour but all my life I have been subjected to her control, and have been made to feel that I constantly owe her because she has ‘done so much for me and never asked for anything back’. She has never once in my whole life apologised for anything or taken accountability. I don’t feel safe to leave my child with her and I need to protect my mental well-being.

I know she will paint me out as a terrible and ungrateful person but I am not backing down in my decision.

AIBU to want to move away?

Based on my own experience with a similar situation - I think the story she’s telling herself here is that you’re abandoning her to move closer to DH’s family when she’s already “on her own”. Then she’s using tactic in the book to try and control you into backing down and reversing your decision. Almost throwing them at you like mud to see what sticks.

It’s toxic. Just ignore. You’ve made your decision, it’s what is best for your family and makes sense. She doesn’t have to like it.

try and detach yourself from her emotions, you don’t need her approval.you don’t need her to like your decision. Let her bad mouth you to relatives - you can put your side of the story across too, and they’ll see for themselves who is unreasonable….

Keep on keeping on.

She can’t treat your worse than she already is, and do you honestly want your kids growing up tiptoeing around her too?

Honestly, the relief and peace you’ll feel without fearing every time your phone pings will be instant. Go live your life with your family and those that aren’t emotionally abusive to you and be happy.

What’s the alternative, stay where you are, lose your home because you can’t afford it, your kids watching the cracks appear as parents are tipped over the edge arguing over why on earth they stayed on a sinking ship, grandma pops up now and then with something awful to say to leave mummy in floods of tears?

Go, choose the family you’ve made that love you.

Tell her you've made the decision (you and DH both) and that that's the end of it, and if she doesn't stop she won't be seeing any of you again. Tell her you won't read her messages or answer her calls, and you might even have to get into blocking territory.

As you've said, this isn't new behaviour that might be explained by DF dying. This is who she is. But now you have a growing family to consider you're seeing the need to stand up to her manipulation so she's ramping it up.

You can't allow her to make you ill. And the good thing is that because you challenged the people she said were badmouthing you, they know that she's making shit up and will take it all with a bag of salt.

Do what's right for your family. I know it's easier said than done when it's your DM, but she's positively harmful to all of you. So a bonus of moving is that your DCs don't need to be exposed to her either.

Not entirely sure you're moving far enough!

Carry on and do what's best for you

She sounds very needy. She might have felt your DF abandoned her (by dying) and now she's lashing out because you and your family are also "leaving" her. But she needs to understand that families evolve and change and she's no longer the centre of your family.

You can take it in turns to visit every 4-6 weeks (I wouldnt promise more than that with z new baby), you have a spare room for her to stay and she needs to let you and your family live your life. If she doesn't engage with this she'll be very lonely. Has she made the effort to get out and make friends since your DF died? Who does she go on holiday with? She needs to make more of an effort to build friendships and not be so dependent on you for her social entertainment.