I think I met a narcissist or a psychopath or something

[leftkneeonbackwards]

A person has left our work place suddenly.

I did not like this person because they were very unkind to me. Pouring milk (which I am allergic to) over my lunch, and dropping my cup in front of me to deliberately break it etc. I believed these things to be antisemitic. I was very annoyed because I knew sooner or later I would need to make a complaint, and as these things were mostly while she and I were alone, it was likely to be complicated.

I was very glad to arrive in work this morning and be told they are gone forever. No notice! so makes me wonder exactly how and why.

Anyway, it transpires that the same person was being equally spiteful to others in the office, when she was alone with them. For example, lying to a probationer, saying she had seen the records, and she ( the probationer) was failing ( She is an exceptionally good probationer) - coughing directly into the face of someone immunocompromised, literally crossing the room to cough into her face from about 2 inches away - taking the batteries out of lap tops, and also possible thefts of money, etc,. Nobody talked about this while she was here, it has all come out since she left - she also was very touchy feeling and helpless eyelid batty with several married men.

IABU to think this is something pathological? Really - why get up in the morning and plan to be so nasty? This is not normal unpleasantness, personality clash, etc, is it?

edited for grammar

Well, surely this is an object lesson in actually raising things with your line manager or HR rather than suffering in silence?

Yes, that’s absolutely not just a personality clash or someone being a bit of a twat. That’s someone who has something badly wrong with them.

Definitely sounds like more than just unkindness. That sort of behaviour sounds both very immature and very well researched/targeted at the same time. I think she must have some kind of personality disorder.

So this person was a police officer?

I'm surprised no one told her to fuck off .

It's not just police that have probationers. Teachers start out as probationers too and many companies have a probation period for new recruits.

Why on earth did no one call this person out for shitty behaviour???

A bit surprising but at the same time, it isn't. Instincts can ensure we take flight rather than fight against something dangerous, we might not be able to place why someone unnerves us, just that they do. Sounds like someone most people would try to avoid.

Malevolence exists, the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can protect yourself. Unfortunate reality of the world.

Women can be just as malevolent as men, as you’ve just discovered, they tend to have a different box of tools - psychological torture seems to be tool number one, although physical harm is possible, too.

Do get therapy for the antisemitism concerns, as it may help you deal better with the current climate.

People can be this unpleasant for a whole range of reasons.

It is tempting to spend a lot of energy trying to understand why someone is the way they are - if they are close to us or we have a resposibility towards them that is helpful, but if they are more distant the priority is just to keep yourself safe from them.

Nine times out of ten if it wasn't you it would have been someone else they would have picked on . The problem is with them OP not you . Put it behind you and be happy. If you ever see them in future make sure you have a smile on your face . It kills them.

It does sound like this one is off her rocker op. I'm glad you are rid of her! Maybe reflect though on whether you should have made an official complaint earlier, you shouldn't feel like you have to put up with being treated like that. x

If she'd tried that with me I would have been sacked, no way could I have kept my cool while someone pored milk over my lunch and smashed my cup, how did you just stand there?

The thing that a lot of people don't seem to understand about narcissists and psychopaths, is that they're not the people going around doing nasty or inconsiderate things to everyone. They tend to be very superficially charming. They're more likely to be the person that everybody likes and doesn't have a bad word to say about.

It sounds like what you were dealing with was just a nasty bully. Sometimes it really is as simple as that, and there's no underlying disorder to explain their behaviour.

well with hindsight, it was the wrong response - I had no idea how widespread her behaviour was. My first response with antisemitism is generally - lets show this person some nice kind forgiving Jewish behaviour. if I'd known how she was treating others, yes, I might have responded differently

Yes, I think off her rocker is as good a description as any - I just can't get my head around this totally bizarre behaviour

But she acted this way with others too You don't have to take it and as I posted, I'm surprised not one person stuck up for themselves.

As am I. I struggle to believe that an entire office failed to report thefts, potentially dangerous misbehaviour to someone immunocompromised, PC sabotage etc. I can understand that the probationer might have been too frightened if s/he believed they were ‘failing’, but otherwise it’s incomprehensible. Even assuming the thefts and sabotage weren’t witnessed, and other misbehaviour was one-one-one, surely someone would say to a colleague ‘Has X been behaving strangely around you?’

I think we all would have done, if we had realised how widespread this behaviour was - but it seemed like the "professional" thing to do was not discuss it

But she is gone all of a sudden, so maybe somebody did speak up

Thefts were reported, but she wasnt accused of them. It is only now that it seems obvious it was her.

But also, it wasn't the whole office, she really sidled up to a couple of people, (both married men, as it happens, don't know if there was any reason) and also to her immediate boss. There are 4 of us I know she did this to now, and maybe there are more, but I guess I will find out if people are talking now. I have a very good relationship with my immediate boss (who is a cuddly grandad!) and she certainly had a lot of hands on his arms, and that sort of thing, and excluding me from conversations with him. I dont know what he thinks, I will ask him when I get a chance.

I guess I am pretty shocked at the sheer scope of the behaviour that has been going on among us - and also just cant get my head around what she thinks she will achieve- and where will she go next and what will she do? She was applying for promotion in lot of different places, and very confident she was worth it

OP, I'm a man, in the sort of "middle" of my working life, middle management, older than most new joiners. I have had younger women flirt with me while I'm training them. How does that feel? I can handle it while remaining professional, but I want to find out why. Sometimes it is a trick to get out of mistakes or difficult jobs and that's not hard to detect over time. Sometimes it is a fairly natural response to being mentored or trained in a friendly, patient way by someone who cares about your development. I felt affection for the people who mentored me early on in my career, and I recognise that's what is being expressed rather than sexual attraction.

There are men who are genuinely naive and a bit stupid. They have a greying beard and a pot belly and think that if a young woman laughs at their jokes and listens to them intently, it's because she fancies them. However, others have their head screwed on and if they see the same woman draping herself over every other male in the office, they will be suspicious and peg her as a manipulator.

Unless your company employs too many of the stupid ones (and they do tend to flock together) they will have had their eye on this woman for a while. I think the stupid ones are more prevalent in occupations where women are still something of a novelty.

You sound naive when you say this just cant get my head around what she thinks she will achieve - have you not met many people??

Loads of people do things that are counterproductive, self-sabotaging, deluded etc etc etc.

People are very varied, and within that variety some are unpleasant, some are unwell.

Honestly, OP, I wouldn't give her a second more of headspace. In your shoes, I would focus more on what I could learn from my own reactions to bullying behaviour from a colleague -- like why, if you concluded it was anti-semitism, you decided to 'show her nice, kind forgiving Jewish behaviour', rather than keep a log of the outrageous incidents and speak to your line manager?