Daughter's bestie lies to keep out other friends

[NonPithyBird]

My 9 year old daughter has had a best friend since they were 4-5 yrs old. Until this point, I always thought they were a good pairing/influenced each other well, but I still always encourage them to make other friends because they tended to stick very close together and always preferred each other’s company to anyone else. A few other girls have come along wanting to be good friends with my daughter but they’ve always been relegated to 2nd best etc.

In the last couple of years at school, my daughter’s best friend has complained about another girl bullying her and her mother has taken it up with the school, which resulted in the “bully” being separated from their class the following year. A similar thing happened with another girl the year before then, where my daughter’s bestie complained about this girl “being rough with her”, her mother spoke to the school and also they were separated. In both cases, the “bully” and the “rough girl” were girls who wanted to be good friends with my daughter, and my daughter liked them.

Recently my daughter’s best friend complained to her mother that the previous bully was back at it and said she had done some pretty terrible things to her. I asked my daughter about this, as this time apparently my daughter was present, but my daughter said she never saw it happen. To cut out a few steps – it turns out this was completely made up by the bestie, and it is likely some (I don’t know how much) of the previous stories about “bully” were also lies.

I am shocked at this whole situation where a little girl was falsely accused and it affected her reputation at the school. I have spoken to my daughter about how serious and wrong it is to lie knowing it will get someone else in trouble. I have only spoken briefly to the bestie’s mum but I am tossing up in my mind how to go forward. I don’t intend to tell my daughter who she can or can’t be friends with but I am considering asking the school to separate them next year so that they can try and forge other friendships. My daughter ADORES her bestie but I feel that the longer they have this BFF scenario, the harder it will be when they get to high school and meet lots of new people. Also, as much I like the bestie’s mum, I feel like her involvement in her daughter’s friendships is over the top and I do not want my daughter to potentially be at the end of future accusations by bestie’s mum. She already has been to a degree (in the very early years).

I am wondering if I am doing the right thing trying to move away from this friendship? Or will the bestie grow out of this? (Although unlikely her mum will?)

Definitely separate them! Your dd will have no friends soon due to the other girl.

I was your daughter in this situation at school op. I would tread carefully as you don't have all the facts but definitely try to encourage other friendships, play dates etc whilst the bestie is not there.

Your daughter is complicit in her friends deception.

Why has she not spoken up and said her friend is lying about other girls?

Is not he so sure it's the friend that has a hold over your daughter, it could be the other way round and your daughter is orchestrating it and getting the other girl to do her dirty work.

Whatever the situation is, I would get your daughter involved in an activity that here she can meet new friends and pull away from this other girl.

Split them. Without even a shadow of a doubt, split them and ask for DD to be in another class next year. If you ask for other girl to be moved, her mum might ask for her to be moved back. I would make Head aware of your suspicions so they consider your request seriously.

I also second getting her involved in an activity away from the friend and away from the school so friend can't influence anymore friendships. Quite concerning behaviour for a 9 year old.

And you know for sure it was lies? If it definitely was lies I'd ask for them to be separated before your DD is on the receiving end of the accusations.

I had the same situation with my daughter at first school. At first I thought what a lovely friendship but soon the other girl became very overbearing to the point of bullying. My daughter was not allowed to play with anyone else at playtime, and could only play the games the girl wanted to play. I found out what was happening when her class teacher told me she was moving my daughter in the classroom away from this girl and she was controlling my daughter so that she could not finish her work before the girl and must also help the girl with her work. It was awful when I realised what had happened . I encouraged my daughter to build her confidence with out of school clubs and did not invite friend round. When they moved to middle school I insisted they were not in the same class and it very quickly ended as the girl moved on to someone else. I would definitely be separating them at school if you get chance but also filling the gap with activities and outings

Have you talked to the school about it? Those little girls who've been falsely advised of bullying should be vindicated!

I'd ask the school to move your daughter to the other class and tell them why, in case the other mum asks for her daughter to move alongside yours.

I'm amazed they move kids into different classes based on just parents complaining. I mean did the school speak to the girls involved before making such a drastic decision?

I don't think your wrong encouraging your daughter to be friends with other girls but actively trying to end the friendship is not the best thing to do.

Um…what?! 😂

Hardcore of the school to move children’s classes on one parent’s say so. Is the year very undersubscribed?

I would definitely asked to be separated. Your dd is missing out on friendship opportunities and could end up the victim of these stories

Thank you so much for your replies! I think I will definitely step up with organising other playdates, and fortunately she has hobbies outside school where she has made some nice friends too.

The school is quite large and classes are reviewed each year but generally they will keep friends together unless there is an issue. "Bully" was banished moved to a class this year where she knew no one. I will talk to the teacher as I think it is time for a change and perhaps some context, but will tread carefully as suggested. Daughter's bestie admitted that she'd lied and exaggerated in the past, I just don't know which stories were truth v lies, so I think that's what is making it hard to work out what to say/do, esp for these other little girls...
Thanks again, I really appreciate everyone taking the time to offer advice xx

I could have written this exact scenario too, unfortunately my daughter’s school only has one class per year so can’t separate them. We’ve also had a “bully” situation which turned out to be the bestie accusing someone falsely and I had to speak to the school about it and now I would do anything to split them. The girl who the bestie took a dislike to has clung on though and now they’re a three but the bestie hates it and does everything to try and discourage her from playing with them. They had a massive fallout last week and I thought she had finally broken free but alas they made up yesterday.

I keep telling myself that they’ll eventually grow apart but can’t help thinking that the drama will only get worse as they get older. Eurgh. Girls can be awful.

I once read that girls friendships at this age, are a pre runner to a relationship when older! This would explain a lot,My DD had this when young as well. I think they would be better off separated .The other mum sounds a little over involved I think .Usually Schools have the measure of their pupils though ,I think they would easily be able to see what is going on and whether it constitutes bullying as such.The other Mum is just looking out for her DD .