To feel so hopeless at being able to provide for DC

[DarcieRV]

First of all, I'm sorry for posting this.
I know there are bigger problems going on.
But I feel in such despair about what I'm unable to provide for my DC and it's been triggered by looking at Facebook profiles of people I know.
I'm 48, DH is 53.
DC are 13 and 10.
It feels like it's just us, and although I'm tough enough to cope with this, as life has thrown a lot at me, I'm starting to feel sorrow that my DC are being impacted.
To explain, my DH lost both his parents when he was a very young adult. He has 1 sibling who lives an 8 hour drive away and the two of them fell out after their parents died, this rumbled on for 30 years and now they don't speak anymore. His sibling has 3 DC who feel like strangers to us. They are older cousins to my DC but they don't know each other because of the fallout between all of their parents- my DH and his sibling - compounded by the 8 hour distance. His sibling displays zero interest in our Dc, literally zero, you'd never think she was their auntie.
DH has no other family.
He had an aunt he was close to, who doted on our DC, but she very sadly died a few years ago, and had no family of her own so once she died there was no-one left.
Meanwhile my DF abandoned me as a tiny child and I have no contact with him. My DSF committed suicide when I was a child. My DM has chronic mental illness and although we are in contact, I do have to limit and manage that contact in order to protect my own mental health. I have a DB who I used to be close to, but he had a big fall out with our DM because he can't cope with her mental health issues and he's gone NC with her for 3 years now. His NC with our/my DM has put a big strain on my relationship with him because I can see the pain he's causing my DM and the impact it's having on the rest of us is huge. My DM does have mental health issues but my God she's been through so much trauma in her life, none of it her fault, from her childhood in to adulthood in to old age now, it's no wonder she has ended up with mental health difficulties. DB barely sees me either, though we are talking, he really minimises contact with me because of his NC with DM. I think he finds it easier to cut off from us so that he can carry on being NC with DM. And this really distresses me, which I've told him, but he says it's not all about me. We used to be close and he would see DC regularly but now he's withdrawn from all of us; from DM, me, DH and DC. DB has a wife who we never ever see, she is only interested in her own side of her family, she has no interest in my DC at all, never acts as an auntie to them. DB has 2 late teenage DC, who I really invested in throughout their childhoods, and I tried consistently hard to build a good relationship with them and my DC, but it hasn't really amounted to much and DB's 2 DC show very little interest in my DC. DB himself shows no interest in my DC, never sees them, never takes them out, never visits. I have no other family to have a relationship with because my DM fell out as a young adult with her side of the family and burnt her bridges with her parents, all her siblings and cousins, which means as children we never saw her family and therefore I don't have any relationship with any of them. None of them ever showed any interest in me when I was a child.
And I just feel like the 4 of us, me, DH and DC are so alone in the world.
And it's hard.
It's so hard.
We've got no-one.
Neither DH or I have any extended family that we can provide for our DC.
No family to send them birthday cards or presents. No family to visit them. No family to invite them to lovely events. No birthdays or Christmas times to share with extended family. No help. No support. Just nothing.
And my children are wonderful little human beings. They're both so truly lovely, they're a joy to be with. Yet they have no-one to give them any input or love or attention except for me and DH.
I listen to my DC's friends talk about seeing or staying with their aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents, and my DC have none of this.
And to compound things further, my DC have friends whose parents are extremely financially secure and who openly talk to me regularly about the financial deposit they will give to their DC to help buy properties when they're older. But DH and I will never, ever be in the position to do this. We are middle earners and are just about keeping our heads above water as we're getting hammered by the COL crisis and we are in no way ever going to be in the position to save enough money to give to our DC as deposits for their own homes. Which means that when my DC are young adults, not only will they have grown up without any family input whatsoever except for from me and DH, whilst their friends have lived childhoods surrounded by family, on top of that they will have no financial assistance from their parents, us, to help them get a foot on to the property ladder in a country where housing costs are unobtainable without financial help, whilst being surrounded by friends whose parents are giving them the money they've had saved for them to buy homes with. And every friend I have tells me that their DC will inherit from GP. Every single one of them. But my DM rents her home, always has done, and my DC will receive no inheritance from GP.
I've been on Facebook this evening and have scrolled through pictures of friends with their DC surrounded by extended families, everyone laughing, smiling, happy.
My DC deserve this too. But all they've got is me and DH. They don't have 1 single photo throughout their entire lives with any family, except the 4 of us.
One Facebook I looked at shows a mum friend with her DC surrounded by a huge family at birthday parties, at Christmas, at bonfire night, on holiday, in the garden, at the beach.....never ending family joy and happiness.
My DC don't have that, and it actually makes my heart feel real pain.
I'm tired. I'm tired of having no family support. I'm tired of listening to friends and colleagues talk about their families. I'm tired of feeling like I'm failing my DC. I'm tired of feeling like my DC are missing out on the love and attention of family members that sll their friends experience, and of knowing that we can't help them financially when they're adults in the way that all their friends will be helped I'm really, really struggling.
I had a heart full of hope and love and optimism when both my DC were born.
But I can see how our circumstances are affecting them and it's broken my heart.
DD is forever asking me why she doesn't see her cousins, she even asks me if it's because she's done something wrong that they don't like. And DS is forever asking me why he never sees his uncle anymore/my DB, and why he never sees cousins, and why he rarely sees GM/my DM, and why he never sees both aunties.
I'm really struggling with it all. As in, really struggling emotionally and mentally.
They have friends. But friends don't make up for lack of family.

I grew up in the same situation as your kids and it didn't matter to me. It was hard on my parents as they had no support. But my brother and I were completely happy with just our family of four. Now I have my own kids, my parents are doting grandparents. That will be you one day. Don't feel bad for your children; they have all the love they need

My daughters just have me in terms of Bio family that they can count on.
I just had me before them.
It can be lonely as fuck, sure, but you make your own path in life and I've got some bloody wonderful friends who would probably be a lot closer were I not a stubbornly independent creature imbued with false pride, who doesn't like letting people 'in'.
Yeah, it's sad that the actually still alive bio family on both sides (my parents are long dead and were dreadful parents, so glad they're not alive to ignore my daughters) pay my bloody awesome twins no heed, but that's all they know, so that's their reality.
I don't ever really compare us to other families, as it wouldn't make me feel any better about my sometimes solitary path.

Family doesn't need to be blood..... do you and DH not have good friends who are like family?

Guarantee that all those photos of people on line playing happy extended families are doing just that. You’re so lucky to have your happy family of 4.

Don’t be so bitter. Many people have happy extended families, it doesn’t mean they’re ‘playing’. Posters on here have this weird thing about anyone else having a happy family, they assume it’s impossible and there must be hidden problems and why aren’t they NC… yawn

DH and I have friends, but they're not like family to my DC.
DH has friends that like to go for a drink with him at the pub now and again, not often. I have friends that like to meet for a coffee now and again.
They're not invested in our DC in the way family would be. They've all got their own DC to be invested with. It's not the same as having aunts, uncles, cousins, GPs.

Op I can understand your upset but the things you would like to be in place simply aren't present. It is best to concentrate on what you do have and enjoy your lovely family of four.

It's your fault your family has no relationship with your brother.
He's entitled to distance from his mother for his own sake, you didn't have to cut him off for that.

I haven't cut him off.
What are you on about?
He has cut himself off from all of us.
I've tried really hard to support him and stay in contact. He's not interested unless I go NC with DM too. But I don't want to do that. So he's cut me and DC off too.

You could try to repair your relationship with your brother - agree not to discuss your mother and see if this helps.

Your children have you and you clearly love them very much. That’s a wonderful thing.

Ignore Facebook. It’s not real, it’s a curated picture that people want to show off.

I feel like the situation is harder for you than your DC. All my relatives have always lived in another country, we didn't receive gifts from them and didn't expect any. Growing up, my dad worked long hours and my mum had social anxiety so we rarely had visitors. But they provided a stable home and fun days out (free ones too - we didn't have a lot of money). We made our own friends and enjoyed life. We have our own families now and I'm hoping our kids build their own social networks to find joy in.

Clock off Facebook. Now. :) Whatever you see in there is not real, at least not entirely... Just check the other MN topics! There is endless grief between brothers/sisters, competition between sets of grandkids, inheritance issues and you name it. Better not to have any contact with extended family at all than be dragged into the poisonous tenets of a toxic one (with no way out).
Being "alone" is not entirely out of order. Many people have it similar - think all sorts of expats and immigrants, for instance. It is nice to have "a village", but with so many people moving across countries and continents it is less and less common. You'll be fine, your children will be fine.

That does sound really hard. What your kids need most is their parents so I wouldn't dwell on it too much. Stop with the Facebook comparisons. You clearly have friends so aim to build your social relationships and explain to your brother that you'd like to repair that relationship too. Tell your closer friends that you are feeling sad about lack of family support. Some charities enable 'adopting a grandparent' so you could explore that as an option.

I wonder if the child(ren) you are really upset for is yourself as a child, and the hand you were dealt - with your DF and SF abandoning you and your mother (even through no fault of her own) not being fully there for you.

Your kids have got two parents who have not abandoned them and can be there for them.

This is an interesting perspective.
I will give that some careful consideration.
Thank you.

Have courage to change the things you can, and grace to accept those you cannot.

Your kids are only kids once. Work on giving them the best life you can. Have fun together, have adventures, laugh, invite friends over, play games together, movie nights… be loving, talk together. You’re enough for your kids.

Try to focus on the good stuff and not waste energy and emotions on what you don’t have.

❤️

I absolutely totally sympathise OP. In a similar but not identical boat and struggle a lot comparing what my DD has to what her friends have. The double whammy of less family and less money than her friends I find particularly hard as it feels like you could use one to compensate for the other! But at the end of the day, we're giving her the best life we can with what we have, and that's all we can do! It's clear you adore your kids and are giving them your all, so please don't feel bad about what you can't give them.

A happy family of four is good. It's a much better position than a lot of situations that can arise in big families.

Go read the threads about blended families.

Also there's so much bullshit on social media, don't worry about it. I bet your kids are happy.

I don’t have FB.

I hear you. The important aspect is that your kids have you and your dh their dad. You are making a good family life for them. No matter the wealth of money and big extended families that other people have your kids are growing up with you and dh as good parents and with love and care. This is what they will remember. I understand what you write. Say to yourself it’s you and your dh against the world and you’re doing the best possible. It’s difficult but you’re doing it. Your kids are doing fine. When you write that they are good kids and no one knows (not a direct quote) I hear you. You and your dh know this and your kids are so fortunate to have you as parents.

I'm so sorry for the sadness and trauma you've experienced, OP. I do wonder, echoing a previous poster, if you might be projecting some of your own sadness and feelings of loneliness onto your children? If so, it would be completely understandable. But your children have two parents who love them, and that will be enough to ensure they grow up happy and secure. I'm not invalidating your sadness about your lack of extended family - you have been dealt a bad hand, and you can't 'switch off' your feelings of loss about that. But I do wonder if you might be catastrophising a bit when you worry about the impact on your own children. They will make their own families and if they choose to have children of their own, those kids will have extended family - grandparents and an aunt/ uncle. They will be fine. I think it's you who need some care and reassurance. I'd suggest counselling to unpick some of these feelings about your past and your own family, though I know from my own experience it can be hard to access on NHS and plenty of us don't have the money for private counselling at the moment. Still, something to consider at some point perhaps. Again, I'm so sorry for what you've experienced. It sounds really hard.