To feel like I will never look really good again

[Hoooa]

I had a baby 22 months ago.

Prior to this, I was quite attractive. Not a boast but relevant to what’s happened since. I felt confident, make went on well, I looked good. Not model material but attractive and I could tell others thought it was too. Wouldn’t have thought twice about going on a date or meeting someone new or having a job interview. I knew if I did my hair and make up I looked nice.

Had my daughter and since then I’ve looked like utter shit. People have even commented things like am I ok, am I coping as I look tired, i look pale, I look thin. At the weekend I made an effort with my make up and afterwards a friend messaged to say was I looking after myself enough as I looked washed out (a good friend, she was being caring).

The thing is, im not surprised as these comments as I know I don’t look good! I can already tell no matter what I do I still look crap.

The only thing I can think is I’ve started buying cheap supermarket clothes as I don’t have time to shop and I do my make up quicker than I have in the past. I guess these days I spend 5 mins on it and in the past I would have an entire hour to ‘get ready.’ But even so, I don’t think that would make such a huge difference would it?!

Im going through an (amicable) divorce initiated by me and I am really wondering now if I will ever meet anyone again. I definitely don’t have the confidence.

oh and I should also mention I sleep loads! Daughter sleeps fourteen hours typically so I’m not sleep deprived and can’t blame that. I do sometimes wake in the night if I hear her stir but I have enough sleep.

I feel so shit about this. Is this just what happens sometimes? I feel like I will never dress up again and feel nice. I’m 37 if that’s relevant.

Don’t judge your future potential on the baby and toddler years, OP. It’s a fool’s game. You’re allowed time out from ‘looking good’ and you need to embrace the part of you that is making that sacrifice for other priorities right now. ‘Right now’ does not last forever, but it’s normal to feel like it does when you’re in the thick of it.

@Didimum thanks… I just don’t know why I look so bad though! I’m sleeping and have all the same make up etc. I haven’t put on loads of weight. I’ve had my hair cut. It seems this is now just me

Have you lost a lot of weight? Maybe ask the doctor for a blood test as weight loss and tiredness can be symptoms

Iron deficiencie or Vitamin D ?

I’ve had blood tests and only thing was low iron but ferritin is back up to 45 now.

I think you're being very hard on yourself!

Firstly, it's not your duty to be pleasing to everyone else's eye.

You have a very young child and are going through a divorce. You've got a lot on your plate. I'd just stop worrying about it for a bit...

But, because that's hard to do, do you eat properly and well? Do you get any exercise? Do you have fun? These will all have an impact on your physical appearance.

But, tbh, I think you should cut yourself some slack and take care of yourself a bit.

Could you be low on iron, that can make you look poorly?

I don't think only lack of night sleep causes exhaustion and for us to look a bit depleted. I've got 6yr old twins who have slept very reliably since they were 2yrs old – but 6yrs of early morning wake ups and parenting/working all day every day also takes its toll. You're also going through a divorce – even if that's your choice, it's still a huge stressor. Not to mention the years prior when you must have been struggling with the marriage. Constant, long term stress will do this to you. As will nearing 40 unfortunately and the inevitable signs of aging that come with that. I'm not saying that to mean things won't get better – now my twins are six I can wear nice, clean clothes that stay cleans, wear jewellery that won't be tugged off. I treat myself to nicer clothes because they won't be ruined and I can get out more, and all that slowly slowly makes you get back to all those little things that make you feel better about your appearance.

All that being said, I am sure you are being too hard on yourself. People may be commenting on your appearance because you look down on yourself if that's the way you're feeling inside.

Could it be hormonal? Either body experiencing post breast feeding hormone dip or peri menopause?

Have you started to get more lines - I found botox amazing for feeling fresher and make up going on easier etc.

you're going through a lot; divorce with a baby so small is no doubt stressful even if for the best. Cut yourself some slack. And make sure you’re eating enough. If people keep saying you look thin then maybe you’re needing to up your intake to ensure you’re getting enough? As we age we do lose collagen so weight loss can make the face look suddenly gaunt and old.

I would guess you are coping with a lot more stress than you think you are - a baby and a divorce? That's enough for anyone! I bet in 12 months time you will look back to your old self, and possibly better - in my experience women usually seem to have a big attractiveness boost about a year after they're divorced.

My youngest is 4 and it's only this summer I'm going to feel confident on the beach! Give yourself a break there's more to life right now. Top hack is skincare and basic "natural" make up. Anything with anti aging will plump your skin up, be sure to exfoliate regularly too. Check YouTube for some good "natural" make up tips for your age group. For me it's eyebrows, "transparent" eyeshadow, shadow liner, hint of blush, setting spray and done. No foundation just moisturiser.

Don't give up but don't obsess either.

I’m sure you don’t look terrible at all, it’s hard to find the time to do makeup with little kids! I’d focus on simple products that gove you some color/glow, all you really need is tinted moisturizer, mascara bronzer and lipstick/gloss/lipoil. Maybe your old makeup doesn’t really work because it is aimed at giving you a more “made up” look. If you have the money to spend ‘d head to Boots or Space NK if you want to spend more and see what they recommend.

I would also suggest your hormones are out of whack. Possibly an iron deficiency too. I hear you though, I'm slightly older than you and feel like I'll never look good again. My DS is 16 so absolutely nothing to do with having a young child, just how I feel right now.

Are you eating enough. You mention looking thin. I didn't eat enough when my first was a baby - I was quite stressed and caught up in everything. Had to put on about a stone to look a healthy weight again then felt and looked much better after that.

First of all, I'd say give yourself a break! It can take a really long time to recover from pregnancy, birth and having a newborn (especially if you breastfed for a while/are still breastfeeding). Sleep is one thing but what about other stuff? Do you get exercise and fresh air most days? Do you drink enough water? Do you eat well? Sleep is part of it but it can't do all the heavy lifting.

But also, some tweaks to your skincare routine might help. I definitely feel a bit brighter for having introduced a vitamjn c serum into my morning routine.

Are you exercising?

I would definitely advised to get a personal trainer if you can afford it? or exercise more.

The body keeps the score, OP! It’s actually the title of a book I thoroughly recommend. But yes, the stress/worries etc will show physically. When I’m happy I look so much better.

Pregnancy and newborn days will take their toll. The stress and sleeplessness will show for a while (even if you're sleeping now). Also, how old are you? I aged significantly, almost overnight, in my last 30s. So there is that too.

Exercise, tons of water, a bit of botox, and a good hair colour will help.

Start weightlifting. look for a good gym that does classes, maybe a cross fit. You'll feel amazing in your body and you'll start looking healthy.

Also eat good food, you need meat and good fats. x

I came here to suggest Botox / fillers.

And if you've been eating badly or drinking too much wine in the evenings cut that right out and you'll be glowing again soon x

Baby and a divorce in less than 2 years is 2 MASSIVE stressful life events - your light WILL come back

Thanks. I just really can’t believe how awful I look even when I’ve made an effort! I genuinely can’t remember the last time I left the house and felt confident and attractive. I bought expensive face cream and started whitening teeth again but I still look totally washed out and haggard

This is exactly how I feel, I'm 40 and have a 7month old

What are you eating??

It's hugely important at this age

There was massive thread on here the other day that was about the same thing, most women post baby felt the same

It's tough