Dad seeking extra 6 hours contact a month

[jamjoejar]

Hi

4 year old's Mum lives 2 hours away, she doesn't drive (she moved when son was a year old)
For 3 years we split care as close to 50/50 as possible.
This time last year, Mum applied to court to reduce the time to every other weekend, go to one Facetime call a week - down from every other day and a lives with order in her favour.
Reason given was that free childcare was now available and so our son didn't need to be with me so often.

I agreed to the lives with and the every other weekend. Fought against Facetime reduction and court ordered a minimum of 2 calls every week.

Our son has struggled with the reduction in contact since September. He gets upset and asks if he can see/call Dad. Mum apparently responds by saying she doesn't have Dad's number.

Currently, our son is with me from Friday at 1PM - Monday at 5PM every other week. He will be starting school in September and because of the distance, I won't be able to drop him at school on a Monday.

I've asked his Mum if we could think about me picking son up from school on a Monday after the weekend he's with her, taking him out for dinner and dropping him to her at about 6PM. I haven't had a response as expected.

Does anyone here believe it's an unreasonable request?

On the face of it, it doesn’t sound unreasonable at all. And sounds tough on your son, reducing from shared care. School will be another big adjustment for him so as much continuity as possible would probably be a good thing - either more FaceTimes and/or the extra dinner a couple of times a month.

It sounds perfectly reasonable. But I guess my question would be, why not move to be closer? Yes, I know you weren't the one who moved and maybe you shouldn't have to, but nothing would keep me living 2 hours away from my children. I'd find ways to make work possible (heck, I live 3 hours away from my work and work remotely as it is). I'd sort out care for ill parents if needed. It's not just about seeing them more during the week. Soon it will be able parent's evenings and school plays and sports day and the school fete. If you are having to drive 2 hours each time, realistically you won't be present at most of those things. I would want to not miss out on those, even if that meant a big life upheaval. He's so young and you have a whole childhood of memories still to make.

I did consider that, even though my business is where I am based now. I brought it up as a way to continue 50:50 care when our son started school and that was what seemed to set off the chain of events with court and reduction of contact. Mum and I don’t really have great communication at all but it’s been clear in the past she would resent me living nearer and possibly would still obstruct me seeing our son more often than is currently court ordered.

On the face of it sounds completely reasonable. Is there a reason your relationship is so acrimonious?

2 hours away is really ridiculous and not conducive to 50/50 care. All that driving. Can you not move closer?
I hoped my ex would look after my DS while I worked nights but he chose to move to Germany with his new girlfriend so he never saw DS. It was extremely inconvenient.
It would be much better for your DS to be looked after by a parent than go to childcare .ore but really 2 hours away? That's ridiculous.
If you can't move can you not have him for all his holidays and half terms?

You sound like such a kind and loving father; clearly the bond is felt by your son too. It’s just horrible that things fell in her favour to leave you short changed. Could you challenge it for 50:50 again? So unfair I hope you get this. Yanbu

We weren’t together for long before we found out she was pregnant - 3-4 weeks! We stayed together until our son was perhaps four months old and it was really clear to me we weren’t compatible and were making each other very unhappy. Since then I’ve been 100% focused on our son and trying to have at least an amicable relationship as co-parents. I’m not saying I’m perfect by any stretch, and our communication can be very strained. But I have really tried to put the focus on our son, accept that I will have to do all the travelling, paid maintenance (as I should!) etc. it’s hard as you’re only getting one side of the story but I honestly and without going into far too much detail but I have tried and suggested mediation to help us co parent better and it’s just never been accepted.

@jamjoejar

Then taking you at your word there is nothing unreasonable about your request imo.

Very reasonable request.
All I can say is keep doing what you're doing.
Don't let her freeze you out of your sons life.