To wonder what the point is?

[Squishmallow01]

I’ve just turned 40. I’ve wasted the last 20 years in a miserable relationship. I had an unhappy childhood and met him after a string of boyfriends that weren’t very nice, he seemed like the best of a bad bunch. I look back and realise how young I was, how there was no need to tie myself to anyone so young. But tie myself I did. We bought a house, and he went from being occasionally difficult and confusing to a nightmare overnight. We have two children together. One of our children is autistic, absolutely lovely but the entire weight of fighting for his diagnosis/EHCP/planning his school transition etc has been solely on me.
I have no other family. I have lovely friends who I’ve known all my life and speak to most days but they’ve all got their own kids and lives. I work part time in a boring admin job and as pathetic as it sounds I find even that too much. I’m beginning to wonder what the point of life is. I’ve never been happy. I’ve never known what it’s like to actually be loved and I know I never will. I have never enjoyed anything, even as a child I was so anxious and aware my family didnt like me so I was always trying to be who they wanted me to be, on repeat for years being treated like shit until one day I called them out on it and we have never spoken since. My own parents were happier to lose me, never know my children, rather than have any kind of honest conversation or acknowledgment of any bad behaviour on their part. What does that say about me?
I just go through the motions of life and wish I could start again knowing what I know now. The knowledge I can’t do this kills me. I just have to carry slogging on getting treated like shit by my so called partner because I can’t afford to support myself and the kids without him and I have nowhere to run to. The so called best years are way behind me, what is there to look forward to? Really? What’s the point?

I could of written something so similar OP.
Life just seems to be one challenge after another with no adventure or fun bits In between!
I am also having to stay in a dead marriage due to financial constraints and honestly it's making me feel the same way as you. I also have a child with ASD and the admin that come with it all 😩
No advice just solidarity 😔

I’m so sorry you’re having such a bad time. It doesn’t have to be like this. I know you feel powerless, that’s very clear, but you can change things.

Please speak to one of those lovely friends. They will want to know how bad things are for you. You do have options, you don’t have to stay with a partner who by the sounds of it is abusive. I know it’s hard to see what you can do, but the first thing to do is to tell someone. You’ve made a good start in writing it here. You could send this post to a friend as a way of explaining how you feel. You need help.

It can and will get better than this. Please call a friend and make an appointment with your GP in the morning.

Thanks for your replies. I saw the GP last week who prescribed me antidepressants. I feel like I hang on for my children but some days I feel like I’d be doing them a favour if I did a runner and disappeared somewhere. I go through the motions, their basic needs are met but I feel like I’m so drained I just feel empty and I’m not being the mum I want to be to them and I’m sure one day they will realise I’m no good like every other person who was meant to love me has done and turn away from me too.

Oh, OP, I couldn’t just read and not reply. I really feel for you. I really relate to that life is a huge slog, living with the consequences of past mistakes.

I know how real your feelings are. But from what you’ve written- it really sounds like you are loved. Those friends who’ve been there all your life and you have day to day contact with - there must be love there, to sustain that. Yes, friendship love isn’t the same as romantic exclusive love, but it shows you’re worthy of love. Then there’s your kids - they must love you.

It’s a very sad story you tell about your parents and how they treated you, but when you called them out and they wouldn’t acknowledge their bad behaviour…that says that they are people who cannot face up to their own bad behaviour. That is all. Many, maybe even most, people find it difficult, or impossible. It is too challenging to their self-image. It doesn’t say anything about you, apart from that you were brave to challenge them.

I think you might benefit from therapy to unpack what happened in your childhood - your doctor can help you access this.

Take care of yourself OP x