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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a red flag?

31 replies

Drumstick99 · 20/05/2024 18:14

Dating as a single mum and been on a few dates with a single dad. He sees his daughter on the weekends but her mum doesn’t allow her to stay over and his house and doesn’t trust him to do it apparently for a few reasons. Is this a red flag with having a young child myself

OP posts:
Ciderlout · 20/05/2024 18:15

Well it’s not great…..

jackstini · 20/05/2024 18:16

Has he said that? Or do you know her?

Offthepath · 20/05/2024 18:17

Major red flag

Novella90 · 20/05/2024 18:17

Do you know the reasons?

Treacletoots · 20/05/2024 18:17

It would be a no from me.

I wouldn't let someone unsuitable near my dog, let alone my child.

Babycatsmummy · 20/05/2024 18:17

Hmmm I'd definitely explore and see what her reasoning is. Do you like this guy?
Obviously, I'd not introduce him to your DC until you've established a better understanding as to why he is being stopped.

It may just be a case of a bitter ex but until
You get to know him a bit better it's hard to judge these situations xx

Original poster
Drumstick99 · 20/05/2024 18:18

He’s told me as he is annoyed about it as he’d like to her stop over but she won’t allow it. he hasn’t said the reasons, just that she thinks he doesn’t trust her for various reasons

OP posts:
Clarabell77 · 20/05/2024 18:18

It depends on the the “few reasons” are..

Marianus · 20/05/2024 18:19

How old is his child?

Original poster
Drumstick99 · 20/05/2024 18:19

Marianus · 20/05/2024 18:19

How old is his child?

She is nearly 6

OP posts:
Original poster
Drumstick99 · 20/05/2024 18:20

I’m starting to think is there something I don’t know about what went on or his past, eg drinking a lot or something

OP posts:
TwattyMcFuckFace · 20/05/2024 18:25

Ask him the reasons?

jackstini · 20/05/2024 18:27

You need to ask him

If he was bothered about his dd and there are no concrete reasons - then he would share custody...

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2024 18:28

You have a child that depends on you to protect them. You have serious reservations about this man and why it is his ex won't allow him to have his child at his home. That should be more than enough to spur you to throw this one back and move on.

Planesmistakenforstars · 20/05/2024 18:38

All the options for what is going on here are bad. He says he wants to see his child more, but obviously not enough to bother with a court order, so he doesn't care enough about spending more time with her which means he's a shit dad. Or he isn't allowed to for a specific reason, and that reason will not be good, and it means he's a shit dad and possibly not someone you want you or your child around. Or he will tell you that he can be trusted, but his ex is crazy in some way, and that is usually a lie.

What are the reasons has he given for his ex not trusting him? How long ago did they split up?

Original poster
Drumstick99 · 20/05/2024 23:45

Thanks everyone. Yes he has said about his ex being crazy and neurotic @Planesmistakenforstars. he won’t give me any reasons but has said if she ever tries to get in touch with me then don’t believe a word she says as she is out to get him. It’s all very odd

OP posts:
Notjoinedup · 20/05/2024 23:50

If this is a go-er, with his consent, ask her why.

if my ex’s new lady got in touch and said similar I would be happy to furnish her with my experience.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 20/05/2024 23:57

Would a Clare's Law check help here? Or speaking to the ex

It could be a bitter ex (you see some on here), it could be something serious.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 20/05/2024 23:58

Whatever it is... keep your DC away until you've been able to ascertain more

neonbluedog · 21/05/2024 00:01

Major red flag. I don't respect men who don't fight to see their DC as much as possible (in court if needed).

RogueFemale · 21/05/2024 00:02

@Drumstick99 Yes he has said about his ex being crazy and neurotic

That old chestnut... So yeah, proceed with caution, and no contact at all with your child.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/05/2024 00:03

Yeah I wouldn’t go near anyone who told me, especially at an early dating stage, that their ex was crazy and neurotic, and not to believe a word she says.

In some cases it might be true, but I bet those men don’t mention it right off the bat. It’s generally a line to stop you believing the truth about them, and also to make sure you stay in line if the relationship progresses, so as not to be labelled crazy too.

JeysusH · 21/05/2024 00:04

Drumstick99 · 20/05/2024 23:45

Thanks everyone. Yes he has said about his ex being crazy and neurotic @Planesmistakenforstars. he won’t give me any reasons but has said if she ever tries to get in touch with me then don’t believe a word she says as she is out to get him. It’s all very odd

That's a definite no then!

Honestly, do not go near this man.

SamW98 · 21/05/2024 00:09

Drumstick99 · 20/05/2024 23:45

Thanks everyone. Yes he has said about his ex being crazy and neurotic @Planesmistakenforstars. he won’t give me any reasons but has said if she ever tries to get in touch with me then don’t believe a word she says as she is out to get him. It’s all very odd

Funny how these types always have a crazy ex.

Honestly I wouldn’t let a man like that near my goldfish let alone my DC.

More red flags than a communist party really - throw this one back in the trash

OneLemonOrca · 21/05/2024 00:11

Yes