AIBU to not allow sister to visit?

[chanelcharley]

I have recently given birth and it seems to of attracted texts from family I have not seen for years.

Long story short, I grew up in an abusive home and was physically and verbally abused by my parents from a young age until I was thrown out of home and left homeless.

I had to look after my younger siblings from age 9.
I have an older sister who was also quite nasty too me, she made my life hell and was always making nasty remarks.

However she did apologise when she became a mother herself as she said she really regretted how badly she had treated me.

I have distanced myself from my family and have done so for years as it is a very toxic environment for me.
My mum would make comments about me being fat and just say such horrible things.
I didn't visit them anymore and have minimal contact and I will not be taking my baby to meet them as I don't want my baby surrounded with abusive people.

Anyway I don't really have a close relationship with my sister at all.
We send the odd text here and there but and probably talk to her the most out of anyone.

She never invites me to her house and expects to come to mine all the time whilst her kids run riot.

I really feel like cutting her off as well as becoming a mother myself I have seen how bad the abuse that was inflicted on me.
She would tell me when I was 9 and she was 20 that I was dumb and "was not going to uni" and it really affected me in life and made me have low confidence.

She would also call me a slag and laugh at my makeup when I was 16.
I remember she would tell me to "piss off" too and was just so nasty.

I thought I could forgive her but I can't.
She is still the same now, very nasty to people.

She is desperate to see my son but I don't want her in my house as it just makes me relive old painful memories and the past.

I have been putting it off for weeks now and I can tell now she has got the funnies.
Am I being unreasonable?

Let her have the funnies, her problem, not yours. You don’t owe her anything, she can be as desperate as she likes to see your son but you don’t have to let her. In fact I would say that you shouldn’t let such a nasty , toxic person anywhere near your precious son. It’s not good for him. Nor is it good for him to have a stressed out mum, reliving painful memories when she should be enjoying her little boy without old trauma.

Tell her to piss off would be my advice. If you don’t feel able to do this then be very busy this week … and next week … and the week after. Google ‘grey rock’.
Be non-commital and vague and DON’T feel guilty. You only have a responsibility to yourself and your son and have every right to protect yourself from further harm.

All the best X

Actually, having read how she comes to your house and lets her kids run riot I’d hazard a guess that the desperation to see your son comes from laying the ground for her to dump them on you now you have your own child. You’re at home anyway so your can watch hers for a few hours (days)

No, that negativity is not worth taking into the next chapter of your life. Give the time and energy to your new baby and the people around you who love and respect you and are there for you whatever and always have been.

You are protecting yourself and your child.

She’s apologised and you’ve accepted her apology but that does not mean that you can forget or that you’ve suddenly got over the abuse. It also doesn’t mean that you owe her anything. She should be grateful that she has the limited contact she does and not be pushing for what is clearly something you don’t want. She is still putting herself first and disregarding your boundaries.

Hmmm. Really tough. I'd suggest meet up for a walk in the park - say the baby will be more settled that way or similar. Only reason I'd cut her some slack is that she presumably had the same awful upbringing you did and didn't know how else to deal with people. I think you need to judge her on how she is now, not how she was then.

Id find it very difficult to get over her treatment of you. Why should you have her round? Just tell her you’re not prepared to have her and her feral children round. At 20, she should definitely have known better.

To sister....since having baby I too have thought more about the abuse I was subjected to and know that in your mind 20s you were aware of the part you played . I don't want my child around this negativity and abuse so it's better to part ways now.

No, you're not being unreasonable at all.

Listen to your instincts OP, your on the right track as you are motivated to protect your child.

Your sister is a child abuser, a 20 year old old adult harmed you emotionally, no wonder she's trying to have contact with you it's more to clear her heavy conscience.

Free yourself from them and focus on your baby and yourself as your a survivor.

Learn from their mistakes, prove them wrong.

This would also be my thoughts. My DB and I had a pretty toxic upbringing, not as bad as yours, but I was damaged and he was damaged worse, it took quite a while to be able to accept that and move forwards together, I'd give it a try
Congratulations on your new baby

Some very good advice on here- thank you.

Yes I just feel so traumatised by the whole situation and the times I have seen her I just feel really bad about myself and back in that same dark place again.

I don't think I really processed the abuse until the birth of my child.
I defo don't want my child around her, and I feel seeing my son child would be more for her benefit than mine.

In the past all she does is come to my house with her kids, make a mess, and she spends half her time taking selfies with me and the kids and then hours filtering them before uploading them on social media.

One time her kids had a food fight in the kitchen and made such a mess, even her husband was like "Help your sister man" and she just stood there on her phone and didn't say a word and neither did she help.

I do feel as this is a new chapter in my life and I want to be happy and full of positivity and try to make some peace with the past.

Yes she was also abused by our parents.
If she was at least a nice person then I would try and make an effort with her but she is too nasty and toxic.

The abuse I endured was even worse but I never allowed it to define who I am as a person and was always aware of right and wrong and I will always try to be a good person and be nice to people where she is the opposite.