Not sure this is normal feeling for mother of a 20 month old?

[playdatee]

I’m a single parent to a 20 month old. I got pregnant while on contraception in a relationship I thought was very happy. We were mid thirties and had talked about settling down with kids etc. Ex did not respond well to the pregnancy but said it was up to me what to do. I could abort. Always wanted a family and was 35 at the time.

Ex works long hours and sees dc weekly but not for long and no overnights, it isn’t really possible due to where we both live and travel restraints etc. i don’t know if this is playing into how I’m feeling but I do get time away for dc when ex has a day a week with them. In the week they go to nursery and I work from home mostly so I do have spare time and can get a haircut in lunch hour or go for a walk etc.

i love dc very much but I worry I don’t love them as I should and I don’t know why this is. I feel like I am trying to get through each morning and evening and I have a Tuesday off each week which I honestly dread as it’s so much harder than being at work! I feel so awful saying this. I keep thinking of my life before I was pregnant and fantasising about the freedom and longing for my youth again. I’ve aged so much since giving birth. I look so different. I feel old.

I don’t feel depressed and I do cope absolutely fine and do find joy in dc and love collecting them from nursery but I also feel so restrained and yearning for the past. I don’t feel this is normal?

Sorry that should say I couldn’t abort*

And the Tuesday is with dc hence why I find it so hard

It seems normal to me.

I don’t think this is strange or uncommon OP. I feel like this sometimes and I love my children more than anything. It’s so intense and hard though and suffocating at times. I’m not a single parent either. I hope it’s normal anyway as I definitely sometimes hanker after my youth and freedom and better figure / looks…!

Not much help I know but honestly, that sounds completely and utterly normal to me.

It sounds normal to me.

Having a child often really reduces our free time/freedom and creates all kinds of logistical conundrums and hassles. It can also be isolating.

On your day off with your child, are you generally alone with them or do you socialise with any other parents?

If it's any consolation, when I had a baby, I used to look forward to going to work as it genuinely felt like a little holiday...

Almost everyone I know has found that age really difficult - basically the age where they can walk/run/climb but not communicate well (obviously it's a slightly different age for every child)

And you have it harder than most as a single parent.

I suspect it will get better for you

Thanks so much for the responses. I feel a bit better already!

I do feel work is the easiest part of my week and it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. I do love dc very much but god it has hit me like a train how different I look and how my life is very much not ‘free’ anymore.

It will get better, I promise! I struggled to get pregnant and it only happened on round 7 of IVF. At last I had a beautiful baby and boy did I struggle, and of course I continuously beat myself up.
Now I have two older teenagers who I love so much, and we have had so many great adventures as a family.
Go easy on yourself and take lots of photos so you can look back on all those day trips that were hell at the time but will make you smile in the future!

Do not worry this is absolutely normal, ignore the Hollywood movies. I have Wednesdays off and my daughter isn’t at childminders that day, and honestly it’s easier being at work! I love her but yes it’s hard work, do not beat yourself for feeling like you are, most parents do. There’s a saying about loving them when they are awake but even more when asleep! It’s probably affecting you more as you’re effectively on your own, as soon as my husband finishes work on a Wednesday I literally am running to the door to hand over parental duties!

Shocked at all the people saying this is normal. How sad.

It's a difficult age and you as a lone parent with little family support, you will have it harder than most.

My friend has a toddler and loves it. But she has a good husband and her mum who takes him regularly, several days a week! It's a totally different ball game doing it alone with a toddler. He will grow up soon though, it will get easier very soon.

I think it can be harder for parents who work most days, when they are at home with their toddler, because they become unused to having to fill entire days, every day, with a child. When it's the norm or you're doing it every day, you do build up some resilience.

So I would say these feelings are normal for this situation.

My kids are a lot older than your DD and their dad was very hands on. He’s a fantastic dad and though we’re not together anymore he’s still such a great hands on dad.

It must be so hard for single parents when the DC’s dads don’t cut the mustard and don’t take as much responsibility as they could/should. No wonder you feel like that OP. You sound like you’re doing a great job!

I felt exactly the same as you do now when my DS was little, I dreaded my day off work with him, it was so boring.

He’s 17 now and we’re both absolutely fine and have a great relationship. You’re just stuck in the hard bit and doing it alone, it’s really tough.

Is there a toddler group you could get to do you could see other adults. If not an outing to the park a shop or even the bottom of the road can give your day a bit of focus

@MAFSAUS when did you feel it got a bit better?

@Hullofromtheotherside i do always make the most of the day with him and have it planned and we do things. I do enjoy it in some ways but I also dread it at times as I don’t have the mental energy for it. I just want to take him to the cinema or rock climbing or something we can actually ‘do’ and talk about. It’s so boring being at the park or soft play or basically trying to make sure he doesn’t do something stupid/dangerous all the time

YOu are single parent to a toddler OP - you have gone through huge change and you are dealing with the vast majority of parenting your child - without any of the benefits that people in couples have ie. love/ family time etc.

Of course it feels bloody hard and a bit joyless - this is such a hard age as you aren't getting a lot back

Im not going to say the line that parenting gets easier as tbh - I have a 10 and12 yr old and its actually harder now than when they were small (though one has SEN which makes it much harder than average)

but it is definitely a lot easier/ has more fun in it I think than when they were really little -

I would encourage you to try and build a life where you have a lot of social interaction with the child - so you just aim to spend a lot of time with other mums! that is how I survived - baby groups/ met up with my own friends with simlar aged kids - we had a laugh, coffee, sat in parks, endless walks.

the actualy child time is just bloody exhauasting (of course with love etc for your baby!)

It sounds very normal to me, op, and the toddler stage can be a real slog. Every fucking day with the same shit, they are totally dependent on you, it's wake up, drag yourself through the day and then do it all over again. No matter how much you adore your child, and even when you have an easy child, it's tough. You get lost in the midst of all of it. It really does get better.

if you find parks boring - and I think tbh that gets more fun when they are older and playing with other kids - as you can sit and read a book or have a coffee with a friend - then can't you just schedule it as much as possible around things you enjoy?

happy mum happy child? take him to the park but always meet your own friend?

20 months is hard - you ahve to follow/ watch/ interact.

By 4 or 5 - your child is gone! they are off playing in the park and if you want you can just make work calls from the side (Ive had many a serious work chat while kidss play in the park)

Yep, similar story here, multiple miscarriages, I had my beautiful son and I read your post OP and I could've written the same thing easily. I found it hard a lot until he was somewhere between around 2-2.5 (he's 2.9 now). Now we're into threenage tantrums so it's hard in other ways, but I enjoy being a mother more often than not, miss my old life less and it all feels more settled. I had some issues in my marriage and parented solo for a period of time and it was extremely hard. It's all fine now, but I can totally imagine I'd feel exactly the same as you for a long time if I was doing this mostly or solely by myself tbh.