to think that 'thank you' and 'I'm sorry' are not the same thing?

[shouldprobablyturnalighton]

My partner enjoys drinking. I'm borderline teetotal, so we have very different opinions/levels on this. When we had children we agreed that he could do as he wished in the evenings as long as it didn’t impact family life. This includes not shirking responsibilities, like getting up with the children, when hungover.

This system is quite rigid, but with very young children and my lack of sleep, I can't handle others' irresponsibility, especially on weekdays. I imagine in a few years it'll relax, but that's not where we are right now. Despite a few hangovers, he's been good about sticking to our agreement and managing his responsibilities. We usually give each other a lie-in day most weekends and allow for planned fun (i.e. if there's a work night out, birthday, or a late night with friends etc) without worrying about early mornings so there is still capacity to let your hair down pretty regularly.

However, last night (Sunday) he stayed up until 2 a.m. and drank so much that he was vomiting this morning. He then took a long shower, monopolising the only bathroom and rendering himself unavailable. On a Monday morning, when we all need to be out by 8 a.m., this caused chaos. If I'd known he wouldn't be available, I would've adjusted my routine accordingly (got up earlier for example). Instead, I ended up rushing and snapping at the kids, which I now feel terrible about because it wasn’t their fault.

We managed to get out the door and to school/work, but we were all late and harried. Over lunch he's just nonchalantly said "Thank you for giving me space this morning."...and I honestly didn't know what to say. Something about the phrasing implies there was no fault, as if everything the rest of us did this morning was out of kindness rather than simply coping with an unexpected situation.

He doesn't understand why I'm upset. He doesn't see how 'thank you' and 'I'm sorry' are different, or why in this situation an apology would have been more appropriate given the inconvenience directly caused by his actions.

Am I being unreasonable?

YABU - 'Thank you' is as good as 'I'm sorry'. The acknowledgement is all that matters
YANBU - They're different and in this situation 'I'm sorry' was more appropriate.

Thank you for sharing this.

It doesn't seem to be more than that. I go to bed pretty early most nights. If I stay up he might have one glass of wine, but not every night. When I go to bed early he'll often have a few beers or glasses, but it's very rare to have had an occasion like last night. He has more than that at special occasions, with friends etc, which I know a lot of people do, but being at home and drinking like that is rare. It's not a one off, but it's been a handful of times in the 10 years we've known each other. It is something he recognises that he is capable of, but not something he's looking to change about himself.

Not everyone is the same OP obviously. But in my experience of similar in my relationship, the two glasses of wine you think he has are just the two you see him have.
The times he isn't sick, hungover or visibly drunk are the times you haven't noticed, he's masked it, or he's stopped before he got to that stage, probably due to falling asleep.
He isn't saying 'sorry' because despite causing that level of unpleasantness and inconvenience to his children, by saying sorry he admits he did something wrong and that he won't do again, and he's not able to do that. He knows he will.
Putting rules in place to stop a partners drinking harming his family, and so its hidden from their children shouldn't ever be necessary. People with a healthy attitude to alcohol self regulate so you don't need to.
Once they start breaking your rules, it's a slippery slope. You shouldn't be focusing on the fact he didn't apologise as much as the fact he shouldn't need to apologise as it shouldn't be happening.

MN is the weirdest place. He has a small amount regularly and this level of excess is unusual for him, by your own admission. I have accidentally drunk a little too much while cooking dinner or whatever and DH wouldn't dream of giving me a hard time.

I certainly would not recommend getting this drunk, but if it happens so seldom, I don't see the problem. I do think he should be a bit more apologetic/grateful considering he fucked up badly on a school night.

Thanks for the comment. This is more where I was at about it tbh. My main thing was the 'thanks' rather than the 'sorry' and the info about the drinking was just the back story.

I do believe drinking to the point of vomiting is excessive and not okay, though even drinking multiple nights a week is an uncomfortable level to me... but I drink about twice a year which is extreme in the other direction and some may call that weird!! We have different opinions about what's an acceptable level of alcohol, and whilst it's not affecting the wider unit then that's just part of life. So, have tried not to give him a hard time about it. The agreement stemmed from a need to make sure that anything he chooses to do doesn't affect the wider team. A bit like I would check before I signed up to a 6am gym class or something, it's courtesy.

Pretty interesting the different levels of what people think is okay drinking vs what's excessive and grounds for divorce.

The thing that would annoy me most about this, and is I suspect what is actually getting your back up even though you haven't overtly identified, it isn't that he said thank you for giving me the space when you didn't give him space. He took it forcefully through his actions and behaviour. He didn't ask you if you would give him space and you agreed, you didn't have any options.

that would really really annoy me that he thinks this is somehow you giving him space rather than him forcibly taking it through his irresponsible actions. Maybe you need to point that bit out to him?

I did, rather forcefully, point out that thanking me for something over which I had no choice feels empty, and suggests my actions were me opting to be kind rather than something in which I had my hand forced. To which he said I had a choice as I could have forced him out of bed or yelled at him, which I declined to do because I am his spouse not his alarm clock or parent. I reminded him we had made an agreement for the very reason that he hates to be nagged as much as I hate nagging so I was never going to be the one making him come downstairs. This is the point where he said he didn't understand why I couldn't just accept the thanks and move on, and my explanation as to why I felt an apology was more appropriate than thanks earned me an eye roll. He's avoided me since.

Wish I hadn't said the alarm clock/parent thing though. I think sometimes in relationships you do act as one anothers calendar alerts, alarm clocks, moral compass etc. It's part of being a support structure for one another. Just when it's to do with this particular topic I'm less inclined to be charitable in my actions.

He's being very unreasonable and I don't blame you for being cross. He's trying to avoid dealing with the issue. If I were you I wouldn't let him off the hook.

I think you need to stop looking for reasons to blame yourself. Your husband chose to drink himself sick, prevent his children from using the bathroom because of his self inflicted vomiting -what did you have to say to them? 'Daddy isn't well?' - then didn't have the decency to express regret or remorse. You don't need to pick over your own words to see if you were sufficiently charitable. His behaviour was a disgrace.

One of these days his children are going to say "Sorry I'm late, we couldn't go into the bathroom because daddy was so drunk last night he was sick this morning." FFS what's he doing drinking so much that he's sick?

He has a drink problem. That is the main issue.

we agreed that he could do as he wished in the evenings as long as it didn’t impact family life

To me that statement/agreement defines the dynamic of your relationship. You can't both just be mature adults who care about and respect each other, you need "rules". I bet you were the one to put these rules in place to try to change his selfish ways?

When you are dealing with an immature adult they will break the "rules" like a rebellious, selfish, unaware teenager.

You have an unhappy manchild, potentially with a drink problem who doesn't want any responsibility and his thanks for giving him space is because he just cannot be arsed with the life he has.

You can't/won't change him - if becoming a dad didn't make him step up nothing will. You will just tie yourself in knots with more rules that he will break.

Another one here who thinks that regular hangovers and drinking to the point of vomiting is not normal behaviour for an adult man, even one who likes a drink.

Idk what counts as regular, he was unexpectedly hungover a handful of times last year but was still up in the morning and ready to spend the day with the kids. He has vomited due to alcohol before, I think the last time was during the pandemic when there was an online wine tasting but I was pregnant so couldn't partake, and maybe a few more since we met a decade ago.

Honestly though my issue was more the thank you thing than the drinking.

Drinking every night seems very excessive to me. The thank you thing is still not the issue. He's not hungover because he has developed tolerance.

Okay, for everyone who has been concerned about the drinking...an update.

We've finished work now. He has said he is embarrassed about his behaviour and does not think it was in any way acceptable for a Sunday night, or indeed any night. We've had a chat and I'm satisfied. I honestly do my best not to judge his drinking, as I do think we have very different ideas about what constitutes an acceptable amount and it's hard to find a middle ground as we're both compromising heavily on what we think is okay. For him it's normal to have a glass of wine (or 2) around 4 or 5 days of the week, for me alcohol is something to be enjoyed on occasion, and outside of that I'd rather not be dealing with the calories, expense and aftermath. Those are our opinions. But we discuss that and we made an agreement that works for our family. The same as we would make a rule if one of us wanted to start a hobby which means they were out of the house during breakfast time or something. I get that drinking can be part of a wider issue, and can be a triggering topic, but that's the same sort of logic behind the agreement we put rules in place.

The point of this thread wasn't really meant to be about the drinking, it was about the lack of apology for breaking an agreement and inconveniencing our family. Though it has been very helpful both for my own POV on drinking habits, and also when 'one off's' like this can be signs of a wider problem. So thank you to everyone for taking the time to comment and voice your concerns there.

He's still not apologised in as many words, but has said that he knows it was out of order and an idiotic thing to do. Which feels better than just a flippant thank you.

Why on earth did you choose to have children with a man that has a issue with alcohol ? Your poor children.

OP as kindly as I can manage, you are in denial. I know you didn’t come here to be told your partner has a drink problem. But he does and you are using all kinds of deflection tactics to avoid looking at the real issue.

Whether he says “thanks” or “sorry” is irrelevant really. Whether he’s broken some arbitrary rules which are in themselves attempts to skirt around the issue is also irrelevant. It’s very noticeable that you have tried to impose boundaries on this discussion by only responding to the posters who are talking about the respect and etiquette and not the fundamental issue, which is his drinking. Because you don’t want to face up to the drinking.

I know because I have been in this situation. You constantly look for reasons to justify your anger and irritation because you know the real problem is something you can’t control.

You aren’t ready to face this yet and that’s human and understandable; it can take a while. But I am telling you your kids notice this, they are growing up around it it is being normalised.

Give yourself the best present and leave him. It’s highly unlikely he will stop: most alcoholics don’t. Safe yourself and your kids years of grief and get out.

An apology was definitely needed and what he should have said. However, from what you are saying, once every 2.5 years isn’t something I’d get concerned about and I say this as someone who is almost almost teetotal.

OP someone asked above and you haven't answered, but have since said you've both finished work for the day...did he drive to work? Because if so that's really dangerous - if he didn't stop drinking until 2am and was so drunk he was vomiting there was no way he was safe to drive just 6 hours later. Tbh I can't imagine he was much use at work.