Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Jealousy over Ex (now friends) new relationship

19 replies

Onoroffo · 20/05/2024 11:19

I will start with some context/background.
From 18-22 I dated a guy, he was my first love and I imagined I'd spend the rest of my life with him, however the relationship started to breakdown and we split, it was very much mutual.
About a year latter we became friends have remained so ever since, I've met several of his girlfriends since and he was at my wedding, knows my children etc.
It has been 11 years since we broke up now.

Recently he came over to watch a sporting final we both like and he told me about this girl he is seeing, he asked me to meet her as I have good judgement - no problem, we have done this before and are just good friends now.

Here is the issue - I'm ridiculously jealous of her, she is exactly the type he has been looking for and he is ridiculously smitten! I have no idea why it is having such an impact on me when I'm happily married with 2 kids.

She is younger - mid-twenties, works for a fashion magazine, absolutely stunning, effortlessly cool, well travelled, very smart, a little edgy.
As a person she is quite intimidating to me, very fashionable and cultured people always make me feel a little inferior. Added to that intelligence, stunning looks, athleticism and everything else it makes me feel tiny.

Worse than that, I have never seen my friend want anyone this bad - not even me in the early days. All he talks about is how great she is and how much he adores her and how his family (French) will love that she is bilingual and extremely smart. His parents detested me, so that just stings a little.

I know that jealousy is a horrible emotion but I don't know how to shake it, I don't think I've seen him love anyone this much ever!

AIBU to feel this way? How do I get over this before it impacts my marriage?

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 20/05/2024 11:23

Friends want the best for their friends. You should be happy for him. Sounds like you know yabu I am not sure how to improve things but if you can't then you really need to distance yourself from friendship as no good for your marriafe or your friendship.

cheddercherry · 20/05/2024 11:24

Honestly, I’d take a step back from the friendship.

You’ll just be torturing yourself if they go on to live happily ever after and you are sat watching from the sidelines wishing.

Unless you’re planning on going nuclear and leaving your husband and running off with him then just step away. The grass isn’t always greener and there was a reason you didn’t work out. Give yourself some space and remind yourself of what you have now.

You’re only “jealous” now he’s really off the table so to speak, you didn’t want him like this when you subconsciously thought he was “available”.

peeweemermaid · 20/05/2024 11:25

Oh dear, I think its just a case of first loves. You know, with every rational part of your brain that you are happy, things worked out etc, but there is always a little bit of you that thinks of your ex as yours. I have little practical solutions other than keeping that in mind and know that it is the illogical, unreasonable part of your brain/ heart saying these things to you about your ex and his new partner.

Take some space, make some memories and try and have a date night or two. Remember the romantic aspect of your relationship with your husband that is not worn down with parental responsibility and let it go

TwelveAngryWhiskers · 20/05/2024 11:29

YANBU to be upset but there’s an obvious solution… cut contact! Your friendship with an ex is not worth this turmoil.

DailyMailHater · 20/05/2024 11:31

is it maybe because subconsciously you have managed to hold onto him a little bit as he hasn’t found the one to settle down with so he still does things with you etc and now as this new girl seems to be “the one” you are losing him all over again?

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 20/05/2024 11:33

Honestly OP I think you need some space from him or this will impact your relationship with your husband.

JJathome · 20/05/2024 11:33

Then you’re not his friend are you, you are his friend as long as you don’t feel he’s serious about someone else. You want to feel you’re number one. And now it’s clear you’re not, you’re jealous.

how do you get over it, I don’t know really but you’re going to have to bite it down, so it doesn’t impact your marriage.

pikkumyy77 · 20/05/2024 11:38

PP has nailed it upthread. You secretly had the fantasy that underneath it all you were rather his “one true love” and the constant in a life of temporary girlfriends. You were able to maintain that illusion because he kept coming back to you as a friend and a confidante. But now he has found “the one” and as you and DH don’t match with her the friendship is going to come to an end. He will have a new confidante, a wiman who can integrate with his french family, and he will let this friendship wither.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 20/05/2024 11:41

I’d cut contact with him if I were you.

It sounds as if you’d just torture yourself about him, his feelings for her and her, going forward which isn’t healthy.

drusth · 20/05/2024 11:45

YANBU to be jealous, it's a human emotion and you have the self-awareness to realise it's not healthy and that it will impact your own marriage.

I don't think this friendship is doing you any good and I don't trust your 'friend's' intentions.

As he is so clearly smitten with this woman then he really doesn't need your opinion on her, he is showing her off and trying to make you jealous.

Tell him the girl is the perfect match for him and then start giving him the slow fade.

Ialwaysdomybest · 20/05/2024 12:13

I honestly think this is why it's a mistake to keep up a friendship with an ex.
It's one think to break up amicably, as you describe you did when you parted. It's quite another to be able to transition what was once a meaningful, serious relationship into friendship and forget the feelings you once had.
I wonder how your ex felt when he went to your wedding, and when he has seen you with your DH? Probably difficult for him. It does seem he is making a real point to you with his new love.
I agree with pp: best to wish him well going forward and distance yourself.

JJathome · 20/05/2024 12:26

drusth · 20/05/2024 11:45

YANBU to be jealous, it's a human emotion and you have the self-awareness to realise it's not healthy and that it will impact your own marriage.

I don't think this friendship is doing you any good and I don't trust your 'friend's' intentions.

As he is so clearly smitten with this woman then he really doesn't need your opinion on her, he is showing her off and trying to make you jealous.

Tell him the girl is the perfect match for him and then start giving him the slow fade.

Edited

That’s a bit much, what a reach.

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 20/05/2024 12:30

DailyMailHater · 20/05/2024 11:31

is it maybe because subconsciously you have managed to hold onto him a little bit as he hasn’t found the one to settle down with so he still does things with you etc and now as this new girl seems to be “the one” you are losing him all over again?

I agree with this - I wonder OP if you liked the idea of always having him there as a back up option or something. Not that you would actually do anything, but that he was there in the background, and it was fine for him to date so long as those women never overtook you in his mind.

But you moved on, married, had children, surely he should be allowed to also.

She is not in competition with you, and you should be pleased that your friend has found someone he adores.

sanogo · 20/05/2024 12:41

You still have feelings for him

You need to stop contact and eventually you will forget him

toomuchfaff · 20/05/2024 12:42

pikkumyy77 · 20/05/2024 11:38

PP has nailed it upthread. You secretly had the fantasy that underneath it all you were rather his “one true love” and the constant in a life of temporary girlfriends. You were able to maintain that illusion because he kept coming back to you as a friend and a confidante. But now he has found “the one” and as you and DH don’t match with her the friendship is going to come to an end. He will have a new confidante, a wiman who can integrate with his french family, and he will let this friendship wither.

nailed it.

5128gap · 20/05/2024 12:57

You're jealous because you think this amazing young woman is going to erase you. Both your importance as a friend, because he will have all he needs in her, and even your memory for him as a fabulous girlfriend, because she will be a 'better' one than you were.

Tbh, what you're feeling now is natural, and has just been a long time coming, because you've been shielded from the loss of him by the fact you remained important to him and he didn't find an equal replacement. But you have to feel it sometime, and its now. So, the usual advice. Focus on your own life and try to push him out of your mind. Don't seek out opportunities to get hurt by finding out what he's up to with her, relegate him to the place in your life he should be in by now, and it will pass.

MistyRoseBlue · 20/05/2024 13:42

If I was his girlfriend I wouldn't like this friendship he had with you and would be furious if I found out he asked you if I thought I was ok for him . I think you should step back k snd go a slow fade as I can see your friendship coming to an end anyway as the relationship progresses.

Choochoo21 · 20/05/2024 14:20

It’s normal to feel a little bit jealous when you feel so inferior to someone but as PPs have said it’s down to you (subconsciously?) hoping that he’d never find anyone better than you and perhaps even that he was always there as a back up option if you ever wanted him.

If this is going to impact your marriage then you need to back away from this friendship.

You and him didn’t last for a reason and throwing your marriage away or jeopardising it in anyway for something that doesn’t work, would be a very silly thing to do.

You can try getting to know the woman and becoming friends but if the jealousy is still there then you need to make your excuses and see this friend less.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 20/05/2024 14:51

Ialwaysdomybest · 20/05/2024 12:13

I honestly think this is why it's a mistake to keep up a friendship with an ex.
It's one think to break up amicably, as you describe you did when you parted. It's quite another to be able to transition what was once a meaningful, serious relationship into friendship and forget the feelings you once had.
I wonder how your ex felt when he went to your wedding, and when he has seen you with your DH? Probably difficult for him. It does seem he is making a real point to you with his new love.
I agree with pp: best to wish him well going forward and distance yourself.

I think you can keep a friendship with an ex if both and they know the score… eg one doesn’t fancy the other or won’t try to flirt with them.

My brother’s ex girlfriend from years ago who we share mutual friends with, she wanted to see him at various reunions and my brother isn’t into that at all, besides they’re both married with kids. But I think deep down she’d like to think there’s still an attraction there whereas the attraction is gone for him.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page