Aibu to look at this as a negative thing?

[FreshStar]

I’m mid 20s now. At my “leaving school”
awards assembly I won “most changed” and it’s one of my most hurtful memories. It just made me feel like an outcast. But now I’m wondering if I should reframe that somehow?

When I started secondary school (UK/year 7/10 years old), I had a group of best friends from my primary school. I can’t remember what the exact trigger was but by year 8, we had stopped being friends. Out of a group of 6, I was completely left out. I think I embarrassed them as I had interests in gaming, the internet, fashion and “emo” music (Paramore) which they didn’t. Plus, I had an abusive home life, which meant that I wasn’t always available for going out, didn’t have a lot of money, and generally had less of a middle-class lifestyle to those friends. I think I’d be considered “ugly” back then.

So year 8, I spent mainly by myself. I then made a couple of friends in different classes and had a “group” again. I started putting more effort into my appearance - got my eyebrows done and wore my hair down. I also got a school mentor who helped with my lack of confidence. Plus, Paramore became mainstream popular, so the same people who judged me for liking their music were raving about it.

By year 9, people always commented on how “different” I now looked, I even had comments that I was one of the prettiest in my year and that I no longer looked “ugly”.

I could never shake the reputation of being the ugly duckling. So overall, winning that award when I left school feels hurtful because it was like I was never accepted. It’s weird because now I am so different to how I was then both looks and otherwise, yet so much attention was paid to my “transformation” back then. None was paid to my personality or academic achievements. Plus all I did was go through puberty and put effort into my hair/makeup - it wasn’t anything different to what others in school did. So I’ve always hated that being my legacy in school but aibu?

I think you definitely need to change the way you think about this. I can see why you feel the way you do, but you are allowing others to shape your thinking with some bullshit "award" that means nothing in the great cosmic oneness. I doubt it was meant as an insult, but who says that their standards are the right ones? As you say, none of it seems to be about you, the person, just how others perceive you.

It is very easy in life to have the type of experience you've had and think "what's wrong with me?", when the better question is actually "what's wrong with them?"

I hope you made whatever changes you made for your own reasons, or at least that you are happy with the outcome. As long as this is the case, who cares what other people think? Opinions are like arse holes. Everybody has one.

I think you’ve projected a lot of years of experiences and hurt onto one single incident of this “award”. This had clearly profoundly impacted you whereas I bet many kids in your class wouldn’t even remember what award they won, or who won what if you asked them today. So while you’re not unreasonable as such, I do find it quite sad that something most would think trivial or insignificant is such a source of upset and shame for you.

Thank you both. It’s just a reputation that I can’t shake, of maybe being weird?

after I left school, I went to college and then university where I was finally accepted for who I am. But my school peers are very insular and still have kept in touch and live in the same area - I just always felt unwanted by them.