To not go out of my way to facilitate access?

[FifteenAside]

Just wanting abit of advice regarding my ex. I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant and have been split with baby's dad since around the time we found out I was pregnant. The relationship in itself was brief (7months) and not hugely healthy, he lies about everything no matter how trivial, has addiction issues to both drugs and alcohol that he attempts to hide or minimise, he bled me dry throughout the rship by refusing to pay for anything but still attempting to live in my house etc, and would have huge mood swings if he wasnt getting his own way.

Unfortunately the pregnancy was the push I needed to block and run. I had initially planned to have a termination but due to having to wait over the Christmas period for a scan then a consultation it was deemed too late for any treatment could begin, though now I see this as a blessing that my pregnancy has continued. Needless to say, it hasn't reduced any of the issues I've had with ex. The minimal contact I've had with him has been very hot and cold, laced with threats and his expectations. He can only email me, but if I block/ignore one he will then create more until I respond.

He initially made it clear he wanted the family dynamic otherwise he didn't want the baby to know anything about him, he then threatened to get his family to my door and call the police if I considered applying for CM or putting his name on the birth certificate. He has attended 1 appointment in total (my 19 week scan), told the sonographer a random name 'we'd' chosen for the baby and practically chased me home from the hospital begging me to give him all the scan photos "because i have no right to them since i am growing the baby, he needs them for family", lol no, Mr crazy! He's now begging me to arrange access plans for baby's birth, stating he needs it sorted before he "moves away" even though he's never even asked how my pregnancy is or for appointment updates. He's threatened having a solicitor and a plan to go for full custody, aswell as stating his family will physically take the baby off me if they get a chance.

I'm very much now on the side of caution, planning for babys birth. I'm ignoring all emails now and am firmly on the side of he won't be at the birth and I won't even be letting him know they've been born, I'm attempting to make sure no one else reveals this info too without my knowledge. I won't be registering him as father on the BC, nor do I need/want to make a CM claim. I don't want him involved in anything, no access, nothing mainly because i do not believe or trust he is a safe person to parent but part of me feels guilty for depriving a child of their opportunity to have a father.

Am I unreasonable? Do I even have these sort of rights? Will I unintentionally cause my child more harm than whatever his "potential" risk may be?

Wow that's long, sorry.

Also just to add, my midwife has been made aware of this throughout and has attempted unsuccessfully multiple times to contact him, along with a social worker to try to assess his risk.

As you say he doesn't sound like a safe person and also sounds like the type to use the children to threaten you and to try to poison the child against you. You are definitely doing the right thing for you and your child.

You have an absolute right not to have him at the birth. You can register the birth alone and you can’t put him on the birth certificate anyway unless he attends with you (assuming you’re not married). He can apply to be put on though and then apply to the courts for access. If he doesn’t make that effort, he’s not a father worth having (which sounds like is likely the case) and you’re not depriving your child of anything. However, if he makes that effort, he may go on to prove himself a worthy father and will have a chance to do so but would be via gradually increasing contact - no overnights for little babies so should slowly build up.

If you really really want a fresh start you neee to move away frankly. Delete the old email address and get a new one.

You won’t keep it a secret in the exact place he knows you are.

Make sure you keep details to give your children when old enough though and own the fact you didn’t want them to have contact.

Can you 'disappear'? This guy is going to make your lives hell... he already is! Get away from him and don't feel guilty. Your child doesn't need a father with multiple addiction problems who threatens their mother! Don't communicate with him anymore, don't put his name on the bc.

@Bythebeach I do understand the risk of the outcome in court if he was to actually take it that far, even though its doubtful. However, if it was to end up there I would be a bit more reassured that assessments of his risk and proof had been provided to show the opposite of my concerns, so I'd be slightly more happier and calmer to facilitate a structured access plan ideally on a supervised basis to begin with. I'd even be unwillingly provide supervised without court, if my midwife and ss had been able to assess this and approve it, but I refuse to blindly hand over my baby beforehand with so many concerns of my own that i have not been able to reassess as being managed or reduced.

@FifteenAside oh absolutely I wouldn’t be handing my baby over to a man like that. I just meant don’t feel guilty, if he happens to be worthy which doesn’t sound likely, you don’t need to feel guilty not having him at birth/on certificate as there’s a process he can go through to prove himself.

He's threatened having a solicitor and a plan to go for full custody, aswell as stating his family will physically take the baby off me if they get a chance.

Actually wondering if this would merit having a chat with police about - in particular the last part.

I wonder what logic tells him a judge would give him the baby? He is nuts frankly. Do not tell him any details going forward. Your pregnancy is a private medical matter he has no right to details...give dc your surname and don't take him to the registry office...
Keep the birth to yourself if you can. You are absolutely entitled to enjoy the newborn you chose to have. He has no regard for either of you if he plans to remove a baby from it's dm. Df's are a nice added extra if they are worth their salt imo. Not a necessity if an arse hole.

Thank you for all the reassurance and for actually validating my concerns as more than minimal. It's a relief to know I'm not being an arsehole in this situation.

I'm personally, as are the professionals who are aware of this, under the impression that the threats are simply just that, its his attempt to regain control and try to manipulate me into him getting his own way. He's been like this since we met and thankfully I recognise the cycle. He doesn't get his own way, he strops, does the whole begging/ empty promise lovebomb and once that doesnt work the threats and lies come. But I am very cautious that whilst so far these have just been words, the threats are becoming more worrying to our physical safety.

Can you move away to another part of the country?

Get all the details of his drug and alcohol addict behaviour together. Get legal advice.

This ^ plus if he was serious about making bf the effort to be a good father he would respond to the midwife and social worker to allow risk assessments to take place

Have you reported the threats of violence and kidnap to the police? Keep telling the midwives, health visitors, etc, too and make sure they write it in your notes! Have a comprehensive evidence trail.

OP you have had some good advice. I think chatting to the police and seeing if you can get information on him via Claire's law?

I would absolutely look into moving away as the next step. Change your email address / phone number and move away if you can. He sounds unhinged.

@Hoolagan yes, I have considered moving and very much want to, i was in the process of looking within my budget and had spoke to work about how easy a transfer would be, etc. I had services also helping me with this but so far there's been very little options to relocate. Now I'm getting much closer to my due date, its been agreed that it may not be the best time to pursue this as a priority and completely uproot yet.

@Flivequacle it's all been logged with police who state there's very little they can do as 1. I'm still pregnant so the threat to kidnap is obviously not a valid immediate concern yet and 2. The threats are all verbal and no physical risk or attempt at harm has yet been posed. They have attempted to speak to him about not contacting me though as a "duty of care" but the pregnancy apparently makes this a difficult case for harassment, which is laughable. Ss and my midwife can't do much more than attempt to contact and wait to see if he responds though so it's solely just left to me to safeguard and manage correctly.

Clares law request has already been completed and other than the reports from myself is unfortunately clean of DV. However I am now aware I'm not the first person he has done this too, it's just clearly not been reported before.

You've chosen to have a child with a drug addled deadbeat.

It's likely this decision is going adversely affect your life and your child's.