My child is making me so depressed - handhold please.

[Greys1995]

I’m a single parent to an 8 year old DD who has autism, quite moderate too. I know it’s not her fault but to put it bluntly - she’s hard work. She’ll wake up, often kick off whilst getting ready for school until she’s on the school bus and then scream and kick off from the minute she gets home until the minute she goes to sleep. It’s fucking exhausting and I’m sick of hearing it.

Her dad isn’t allowed contact (a court order) and my family do help out occasionally but it still just doesn’t feel enough. For example, she’s been with my family all weekend, came back a few hours ago and I’ve already had enough despite having had a decent break. I feel so guilty for saying it, and I felt guilty all weekend because of it, but I enjoyed the time so much this weekend thinking this is what my life could be like if I never had a child or she lived with someone else.

Realistically, I would never give her up or give her to someone else - so please refrain from those suggestions (because you would be very unlikely to do it yourself despite advising other people to). I’m thinking of going to the GP and asking for antidepressants but I don’t know if that will help or not.

Is anyone else in this situation and can offer some advice please? I just don’t know how I’m going to carry on like this - I just feel like this is never going to get better and I’m never going to enjoy my child again. I also don’t really know why it’s got SO bad the last few weeks. I mean she’s always behaved like this really but I’ve never felt like this before, ever, no matter how bad things have been.

I don't have advice with honestly but I empathise a lot.
Every day is challenge after challenge
Having to deal with all the explosions about a normal thing that a parent would say to a child sometimes.
Then the aftermath. The disrespect.
Don't have time to think about anything else anymore

Absolutely this and I just keep thinking one day it will be better and it won’t be like this but then it dawns on me that she will probably need me to care for her for the rest of her life and I just feel like this is all my life is ever going to be. I wouldn’t change her for the world but the last couple of days I’ve just been thinking I wish she was a normal child and we both wasn’t suffering or living a life like this. But I know deep down I don’t actually feel like that and it’s just the burn out talking but it still doesn’t make me feel any less shit about thinking it.

I have two children with autism and adhd (14 and 11). The 14 year old has moderate needs but the youngest has very high support needs (can’t talk, has violent meltdowns). It’s exhausting. Have you got any support? I would consider going to the GP.

I go through ups and downs. At the moment I’m in a down and I dread my daughter coming home after I’ve been working all day. Because she’s so demanding and exhausting.

Are the social involved? You should be able to get a carers assessment.

I’m a single Mum to two ASD boys (one in specialist school and challenging behaviour when younger).

I can only tell you what has worked for me in the hope that at least some of it works for you.

1. Structure and routine. Doing the same things (or a variation of) at the same time every day.Maybe a timetable?
2. Boundaries. Even though they have ASD they still need to respect boundaries.
3. Keeping them occupied. I got mine out do the house as much as possible. This really helped.
4. Don’t sweat the small stuff!!!
5. Do whatever works for you and your child. Don’t listen to friends or relatives (or random people on Mumsnet(!)) Release yourself of all parenting expectations.
6. PATIENCE! I found myself getting in a cycle of me shouting, him shouting louder and then me shouting even louder. It doesn’t work! Deep breaths and imagine pressing a physical switch. That was the one thing that really changed me.
7. Clear explanations for everything
8. Checklists/rewards?
9. Allow lots of time for getting ready etc. I get up at 5.30 (and I’m REALLY not a morning person)!so that my son has an hour and a half to get ready in the morning (including a shower).

That’s all I can think of now but I really hope some of these work for you. You’ve got this!

Sending solidarity. AuDHD DD is 20 now. Living independently but constant worry. Make time for yourself. You're a mum but that's not all you are. Your needs are important too. "Put your own oxygen mask on first" as they say. Accept all the help you can.

I wish I had advice. Ds has complex sn's as he's adopted and has developmental trauma and ADHD.

It sucks being a single mom sometimes. If I have a break I just crash. A weekend isn't long enough when you're living in constant trauma.

I'm so sorry I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. It's hard and exhausting and it's ok to admit that.

I felt guilty for years since my ds is adopted and felt like I could never complain because this is what I wanted so badly. My son is the best thing to ever happen to me. That doesn't mean I haven't had some dark thoughts though where I just don't want to be here anymore.

It takes it's toll on your mental health. You definitely need support as well. Huge hugs. 💝