How do SAHM’s share parenting?

[MDC062022]

SAHM/Part time working mums please help!

How do you encourage your partners to be more helpful at home and to not leave everything just to you?

To shorten this topic -
I work 5am- 7am mon to fri to fit around his work hours and eliminate the expense of nursery costs
He works - Mon-Fri 8.30am -4pm (Tuesdays 8.30pm due to Uni). I appreciate he pays the bills and he’s agreed me working what I do is better for us until our son gets his nursery hours. We don’t qualify for 15 free hours due to me working less than 16 hrs and very little jobs offering childcare flexibility. (We trialled it with a care company and they let me do it for 2 weeks before deciding I had to do 16 hrs days).

Apart from bathing him my partner barely helps with ANYTHING. He doesn't help cook, he doesn’t do laundry. He comes home, strips off slings his sweaty clothing/socks/bag/coat etc over the back of the sofa or over the baby gate and leaves it there for days on end unless I move it. He’s only asked to wash up and bath our son thats it!

I’m feeling really burned out atm as my job stress has increased due to having no staff and my 2hr work load now feels like an 8hr shift compacted into that short time frame Im EXHAUSTED. I asked for an hour to go for a shower Friday and I was given a mouthful of verbal abuse about how I have all day to do this, I sit on my arse playing video games (I don't have time to!). I’d love to have so much spare time like him, he has a little schedule planned out for himself and when I asked where I fit into that he immediately bit back and said not problem. He has a lot of socialisation time, he goes to the gym, he goes to coffee shops regular to do uni work, he goes to football matches, goes out with his friends frequently drinking, he plans fun things with his friends and offers me no time at all. If I dare to ask I’m scorned and told I’m home all day doing nothing.

We had a massive fallout last week as I’d cooked tea every night and made breakfast every morning without failure and he came home from work took one look at the huge pile of washing up and called me a scruff and told me I was a lazy cow.

I don’t know what to do anymore I feel like I’m pretty much a single parent 😭😭😭

If he's creating mess and dirt, name-calling, being abusive and horrible, this isn't about a calm discussion of roles. He has no respect for you or what you do. And it doesn't sound like he likes you. I'd be planning to leave, honestly.

It might be a plan right now because you're in the early, hard part. But I wouldn't plan to stay, I'd plan to go.

Honestly OP, go back to work full time. I know it's probably not what you want to hear and I say it with kindness but this won't get better. Your DP is very unkind verging on abusive with his behaviour. You need to protect yourself financially and emotionally because someone doesn't just turn into the perfect partner overnight.

I would say you want to go back to work and sit down and see how you might work that schedule. He may well relent on some you time but longer term it won't.

How old are you children/child? Ultimately if you're (as I'm sure you are) caring for the children and making a reasonable effort with housework during the day, evenings and weekends should be equal.

If DP complains about you leaving DC with him, ask why. If it's hard work, it must be hard work for you too, therefore you deserve a break. If it's easy, he won't mind looking after them.

But it sounds soo much bigger than that. He doesn't respect you (or like you much from the sounds of things).

Get earning more money ASAP, get your ducks in row and fuck this twat off!!

When I was a SAHM I did everything, but I didn't work at all.
As soon as I went back to work we made a list of what needed to be done and divided the tasks.
So I do all the cooking, he does the washing up, he does all the washing and drying I do the ironing. He cleans the kitchen I clean the bathroom.

Your situation sounds much different and you might be better off a single parent.

This nails it. Your life sounds really hard OP, I feel stressed just reading it. I hope you find the strength to leave or at the very least lay down the law with him. Wishing you luck

Go back to work full time and split with him, he sounds like an asshole.

I've been a lone parent for 15 years, believe me it's tough sometimes but a lot more peaceful and nice than having a lazy, abusive nob around.

He's being an ass.
He is not your child and needs to clean up his own mess. Giving you a little time to look after yourself without complaining is essential too.
You need to discuss how you feel and what you expect of him, if he doesn't do more after this then you need to decide if he is worth staying with.

Work out what sending your child to nursery would cost. This plus what you earn is your household contribution - he is not the only one paying the bills!
I'm a sahm mum (3yo and 1yo). I do all the night wakes for both, food shop and hoovering. When my partner is home which is a lot less than yours (he's at work 7.45-6) we split childcare and meal making evenly. We both do laundry etc and have a cleaner for two hours every fortnight to keep on top pf the bathroom and mopping etc.
Your partner is taking the piss. You're meant to be a team.

He sounds like an arse OP. There's no reason he can't do more and there's no excuse for him speaking to you the way he does. I work full time (8.30-5) and DH is a SAHP. We have 2 school age DC.

DH does the washing, ironing, food shopping, hoovering, school runs, sometimes dusting, washing up, mows the lawn and puts the bins out.

I change the beds, wash sheets & towels, do dusting, clean bathrooms and kitchen. We share the cooking pretty evenly. I do all after school clubs and any taxi-ing needed at the weekends. There is absolutely no reason your DH could not do this stuff as well. Working full time doesn't give him a free pass to do nothing at home.

4 nights a week there are clubs/sports to get to, plus both days at the weekend - we don't have much time to ourselves but that's because we have DC.

I will say, however, that when we both worked full time, DH did absolutely nothing around the house or childcare-wise, I did everything. He knows he was a selfish arse and I do still resent it sometimes as I had 10 years of stress, I was utterly exhausted.

How would he react if you ask him to sit down to have a proper conversation? Where you say you need his help and you need to feel you're working together, and you set out what you would like him to do? And if he has a chance to explain why he doesn't do anything or why he feels he shouldn't have to? All you can do is try to communicate calmly and rationally and if he's not willing to discuss it or get involved, then I'd be making plans to leave - at least you wouldn't have to pick up his shit anymore.

Thank you for all the responses so far!

I’m half tempted to do what I did last year.

I packed a bag and went back home to my
parents and took our son. He was ringing me the minute he got home realising the place was emptier than normal and he suddenly changed.

I try being reasonable especially when I know he needs to do his Uni work or extra stuff for classes the next day but its not a lot to ask for 1-2 hrs of his time an evening to help me out doing washing up whilst I shower & bathing our son whilst I have an hour to myself. It’s not a big ask when I’ve been up since 4.30am for work and then I come home and my day is long and i often find myself falling asleep on the sofa completely drained from my early mornings!

He sounds utterly vile, bin him off.

I did similar hours to yourself, 6am-9am WFH. My husband would take the eldest to nursery before work and in the evenings wash up and wipe the kitchen sides down after dinner. I would generally do everything else. However anything that needed doing I would ask and he wouldn't hesitate to do it. At that time we also carved out some time for me. I'd go for a walk in the evening once the kids were asleep and have Saturday mornings to myself to sleep in or go out and do something.

I'm afraid your partner is being vile and the name calling is definitely not on. My husband would and still does say I have a full time job looking after the kids and that my contribution to family life is not necessarily financial but contributes to our family being healthy and well.

If you have to “ask” for a shower then I’m sorry but your relationship is fucked.

As someone currently on maternity leave there’s no way am I asking my husband if I can have a shower. It’s “I’m going for a shower”. He wouldn’t dare tell me “I’ve had all day to do that”. He just says Okay and plays with the baby even if he’s been at work all day.

He was ringing me the minute he got home realising the place was emptier than normal and he suddenly changed.

There's your answer. He can change, he doesn't want to.

I think the worst thing I ever did was doing things for him constantly and he does take the piss out of me.

He started making excuses tonight outside the house in front of neighbours so I decided you wanna play games I’ll do it too. So I said right well when you say to me I don’t give you chance to sort things and I don’t give you time despite you leaving things for days on end after I’ve asked for help and gotten none. I’ll remember to show you the photo I took of the kitchen last week when you left me with 3 days worth of washing up two of them evenings you ditched doing it to go to the gym for nearly 2 hrs a time and the other was your ‘relaxed night’. So any one of them nights you could have done it within 30 mins instead of leaving it to build up and then moaning at me accusing me of doing nothing else all day.

I think a lot of women fall Into this trap during mat leave.

We always took the view that while DH was at work, my job was looking after DD. If I managed any housework them all good. Once DH got home all domestic duties were shared, from day one. It meant there was never any of this regardless of who was working or not. (I went back to work full time after mat leave and we both work away for periods of time. DD has two equally capable parents as a result.)

It does fell like I fell into a trap.

Our sons not too well today and I’m not feeling it either so should we both feel the same tomorrow I wont be doing anything other than feeding me and my son during the day and he knows damned well I wont do anything!

I'm a sahm. I do anything child related during the times DH is at work, so 0800-1830. In that time I food shop too. Now DC is at pre-school I do housework and related admin during that time. So I'm treating childcare and housework as my job.

Outside those hours we split reasonably equally. I cook, he washes up. He does bathtime, I do bedtime. I have two evenings to do my hobby a week and so does he.

It works pretty well but if he treated me like your DP seems to treat you I'd be rethinking it.

I’m on maternity leave number 2. DH and I split all household chores equally when he is home and we try and have equal amounts of ‘down time’ away from the kids.

When I went back after mat leave number 1 we both compressed our hours into 4 days, ie we both had a day off a week with DC1 and he was in nursery the other 3 days. DH would have never expected me to do all the housework anyway (because he’s not a chauvinist) but having a solo day with a toddler once a week really cemented how difficult staying on top of everything is when you are also trying to stop a tiny, feral human killing themselves. Maybe he should start doing some childcare on his own?

You say ‘partner’…are you married? I’d be cautious only working 10 hours a week (unless those hours are staggeringly well paid) without the protection of marriage. Who owns your property?

You must be knackered working those hours; your circadian rhythm will be completely out of whack.

I’d put your child in nursery and start working a regular 9-5 role. Make your partner responsible for 50% of pick up and drop off. Take an evening for yourself to compensate for his uni night when he does no childcare. If he doesn’t shape up, you’ll have a better starting point for going it alone.

At the moment, I fully see him fucking off as soon as he’s got his degree and you’ll be written off as the lazy ex while he swans into the sunset with a five bedroomed detached house, a new partner and a new family.

He’d never disappear with a new Partner and family he’s definitely not like that!

So he knows how out of whack my body clock is but seem’s to fail to comprehend how tiring it is for me most days. AND I do mobile hairdressing as well as my morning job but I stagger out how much of that I do so I can organise my childcare properly with family and so I’m not overdoing it, even with self employment the childcare costs are incredibly expensive for us and what I earned from hairdressing would only just cover childcare expenses and I have nothing for myself left over which I don’t really want to be doing if I can avoid it. Gas/Electric and food bills gets us monthly! My wage from my mon-fri job is £500 a month but what I give to him is only small but he asked for that amount as his wage is pushing £2,500 a month before tax so this is where we agreed I didn’t go to work full time again until our son was 3.

We’re also up against I health hurdle for me soon which could be a make or break for me having another child and if it is my last chance to have another he knows my stance and supports me.

But he knows full well me going back full time is a LONG shot off. Some mornings I really wish he’s get up same time as me and then get him to stay up for as long as I’m up and then he can fully appreciate what I’m saying. Our sons fairly chilled out and very independent so I’m lucky but he’s still a normal toddler that runs riot at least once daily!

We both own it x