Talking to men when you’re single

[AutumnLeaves333]

I was recently on a 2 day work course and ended up chatting to a man there, it turned out we had the same hobby so we spoke at length about that, I mentioned being a single parent as it was relevant to the hobby. That night was a group dinner we both had the same taste in drinks discussed that for a while at a table of others and that was the end of it. It never felt like it was just me driving the conversation.

The next day we ended up in conversation again, I saw him visibly panic when he realised he was alone with me away from the rest of the group, he mentioned his girlfriend several times and abruptly ended the conversation. I was absolutely mortified, It never occurred to me that he would have thought I was trying to chat him up, I’ve been single for years and don’t have any plans to get in another relationship, I’m also under no illusion about my unattractivness and I think this has lead me to believe that no would ever think I was trying to chat them up as it would be kind of laughable.

The whole thing left me feeling really embarrassed and ashamed, I’m just wondering if it’s unreasonable to talk to men in this kind of situation as a single woman? Is it always going to be construed as ‘chatting them up’. I don’t really mix outside my social circle much but I am a naturally chatty person. Now I would be worried about getting into a conversation with a man i don’t know in case they get the wrong idea!

Of course you can talk to men.

I think you're reading an awful lot into his response to your conversation, you've no idea what he was thinking.

Its fine to talk to men if you’re single and if he thinks you want to shag him just because you’re being friendly then really he needs to get over himself.

I know you say you think you’re unattractive, but it could be that he did find you attractive so felt weird about spending time alone with you?

Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed, you’ve done nothing wrong.

Maybe,it’s just the panicked look on his face has been living on in my head and making me overthink it 🤣

It's possible he found you attractive and ended the conversation because he was protecting his relationship. Good for him, if so.

I agree though because I was single for years that men think they are a LOT more attractive than they really are and single women must be chatting them up. It is wearing.

Considering the reaction on this site to a man talking to a woman from work ... he probably realised what it might look like and wanted to protect himself

Or he'd rang his GF the night before and mentioned talking to a single woman and she'd told him to make it clear he was taken

The panicked look may have come from someone else shit stirring?

Or perhaps he did genuinely get the impression you were flirting or something.

Anyway I wouldn't give it any more thought really.

I guess it was the mentioning you were a single parent early doors that could have done it

@Allfur it didn’t seem to bother him during the actual conversation, which was about hobby and went along the lines of Him: “have you ever done this event” Me: “yes years ago, would love to do it again one day but I’m a single parent so not possible just now”

Yes this is possible.

I don't need to know if the person I'm talking to is single, if I'm not trying to chat them up.

But I’m a single parent which I might mention if it was relevant. But I’m not single and I have a boyfriend. So how would he have known your relationship status? You can be a single parent and not single surely!

I don’t know how he construed it, I am single so when I was thinking about it after I just assumed he must have thought I was telling him I was single.

Maybe he just has a panic disorder.

Doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.

His girlfriend is probably a mumsnetter, reinforcing her 'boundaries', because a single woman must obviously be after her man....😉

In the real world, no, you didn't do anything wrong.

Men do this to me a lot. These days I actually find it funny that they all think they're so amazing that any polite chit chat is me trying to hit on them. The panicked reaction used to hurt a lot when I was younger but now it just comes across a bit immature.

See I wonder if someone else said something..
I've noticed that men and women of a similar age cannot get on well and chat freely without someone commenting on whether you've a thing for each other.
When me and a friend at work went to a social hobby that both had a passion for, it immediately got questioning looks. When in reality we are friends and that's all either of us would want.
Whether that be at work, at social events etc. I wonder if someone said some silly comment to him about how you two were getting on and he overthought it.
Either way, whatever caused his panic wasn't on you. So don't fret and put it down to his own weird thing!

A lot of men will only be kind/polite/friendly to women they find attractive (hence why they so often mistake politeness for flirting) so he maybe had a “better make myself clear” moment but was too socially inept to do it properly.

You all are taking this with remarkable maturity and good humour! Personally, I found this incident offensive. Not only that he thinks himself so irresistable that a woman making friendly conversation must want him, but the "panicked" reaction sounds a bit irritating.

What is it with men these days? Somehow, I don't think our grandfathers would have "panicked" if a nice woman just made conversation with them!

Some men tend to tell themselves they’re irresistible and every woman they meet is gagging for it. Just laugh in his face next time (or roll your eyes if you can’t bring yourself to do that) then you’ll both know where you stand .

He may not have thought that you were chatting him up, more tried not to give you the wrong idea. I think there is also that idea that if you are chatting with a person of the opposite sex and don’t mention that you have a partner, it looks a bit suspicious.