To worry that my 17 DD rarely goes out with any friends

[Munichfam5]

DD is at college , and she has some friends but never goes out at weekends with them, she is ASD, but is doing well and is at college and has a Sunday job in a shop.

I just worry that she will become depressed not having a social life - it’s not healthy? I think that she would like to see friends more ?

She doesn’t really have any hobbies as such , she gave up her drumming recently and sports wise she just goes to the gym with me

Can anyone suggest any activities / clubs , sports etc. she can join to make friends and have a better social life ,?

Thanks x

Does she want to go out with friends? Seeing them at college may be quite enough for her and not a problem. If she has ASD, she might need a lot of downtime with college and a Sunday job. As someone also with ASD, it feels to me like you're expecting her to act in a neurotypical way and get energy from socialising in the way you would, worrying she might get depressed if not, but my gut feeling is it's the opposite, she is more likely to get depressed through too much expected socialising.

This my son 100%. I had/have the same worry but one he turned 18 it slightly changed things as he was old enough to drink and it opened up a few more opportunities for socialising. He has ASD so struggles to reach out etc, he still not great at it, never had a girlfriend or anything, I do hope he keeps getting better and better at it.

Ahh thanks for your messages,
@Berga yes she does need some downtime that’s true, she loves chilling and watching Disney + box sets

@Mannyshy glad to hear the your son is getting better at socialising , as you say turning 18 will hopefully be a bit of a turning point …

Yes they key thing is how does SHE feel about it?
My DD just turned 19 and while has good friends at college (she's doing a one year Art diploma before uni), in fact the best friends she's ever had, she rarely sees them on weekends. She says she's with them all day, they occasionally go to a museum or lecture after college and she's completely happy to do her own thing at weekends. She's NT, but an introvert. She needs a lot of alone time. She is worried about going off to uni and having to be around people most of the time (and (50/50 chance she'll have to share a room), and has had a taste of that already which she did not enjoy.
I would leave her alone. Frankly can't see what you can do about it anyway. I do 'force' my DD to come out for a dog walk or to the local café when I think she's about to have a serious vitamin D deficiency!

DD is autistic, she has never 'needed' to see friends at weekends or the holidays and has always been happy without.

What I do do is model doing the things she enjoys alone, so if I'm on a work trip I'll talk about eating alone at a restaurant or going to the theatre alone so she knows that that's still ok to do even if she doesn't want to go with friends she doesn't have to miss out.

I think the real question is whether she wants to go out socialising more. You say that she does have friends, so it doesn't sound like she's totally isolated.

If she is happy with things as they are, then I think you need to accept this and leave her to do whatever works for her. If she wants more of a social life, then it's great to think about how you can support her with this.

My was certainly out socialising a lot at 17. However, she had one autistic girl in her friendship group that often declined to join them - not always, she did join them for some stuff (and she has actually just been on holiday with my dd and another girl), but a lot of the time, she just didn't fancy going and the others just accepted that. I think she just didn't like the kind of socialising that the majority of kids tend to do at that age, e.g. lots of parties, going to festivals etc. Her friends understood that these things didn't really suit her and they didn't take offence at her non-participation. Equally, she didn't take offence at them wanting to do stuff that she didn't want to join in with.

What she did do was sometimes ask her friends to join her doing the stuff that she wanted to do, and they were usually pretty happy to go along with it even though some of her interests were a bit "niche" and it might not have been their first choice about what to do. Is this something that might work for your dd? i.e. initiating somd activities that interest her and asking her existing friends to join her?

Mine doesn't either.
Although I suppose I'd worry if they were out drinking, or out late at night. Some teens don't like socialising and being out , especially those who are neurodivergent.

I’m a bit older now, but this was me in the past.

My mother constantly commented on my lack of socialising and made me feel odd and not enough because of it and kept pushing me into social scenarios. I really struggled for years trying to force myself to be someone I wasn’t. I neglected hobbies because I felt so exhausted from thinking about socialising - and I felt genuinely hungover for a day or two after spending time with people. I was so anxious and would even totally shut down and go sit in a corner and not speak.

Now as an adult, I realise I’m highly introverted and just need a lot of alone time. I have no interest in socialising much. Work colleague time / time spent with my partner is enough. I get energy from ‘loose’ connections like seeing the same yoga teacher at my class, or barista at my local coffee shop. My cup is totally full after that. It also means I have more energy for doing things I enjoy, like reading, gardening, classes (with a more solo element), cooking, gaming, etc.

My mother still thinks I’m weird and asks about my ‘friends’ and social life every time we speak. I’m sure you’re a lovely mum, but just be sure she actually wants more of a social life before pressuring her to have one.

That was me as a teen.
My parents would actually joke to send me out for misbehaving instead of grounding.
I am actually an introvert, and have ADHD. I had plenty of friends but a whole week of college and being social would drain my batteries and my weekends alone with my books and music were just the ticket to recharge them.
Your daughter sounds similar, the only advice I can give is to not pressurise her or make her feel odd. It will only alienate her.

My 17 Yr old son is like this too although does meet up with his friends occasionally during the holidays ,they spend a lot of time playing games and chatting onnline though
He was diagnosed with Diabetes a year ago so i don't really want him going out drinking tbh.

It sounds like she is happy with how things are.

Often people with ASD don't want the kind of social life that one might think is "normal".

We've wheeled round from encouraging DD to make friends at college to validating that it's ok to just be at home. Work and college is enough socialising for some. Especially perhaps current 17yos, who were stuck at home for a really key social development stage around Y8/9.

I'm aware they will be off to uni in little more than a year. Let them hunker down while they can. A secure, welcoming base is a good jumping off point. Pushing her to socialise would only add to the pressure she already puts on herself.

I am like this too. Spent years using alcohol to mask and seemed like the most outgoing extroverted person around. It was all very damaging as I am an introvert with ADD who needs a huge amount of downtime after a week of demanding people centred work. I've experienced breakdowns in the past from over exposure to too much social expectation, visitors, feeling like something is wrong with me. I realise now these things don't make me faulty or that I need to fit in. In fact, going from one extreme - v sociable interacting as a younger person to v anti social low interaction has been liberating. I realise I only have one 'health' and if I want to enjoy life for longer I need to protect it. I now don't care if others don't get it.

Please don't be one of those extroverted parents who tries to make a square peg fit in a round hole. You should know more than anyone to allow your child to be who they are.
People don't NEED to be out with friends at weekends, it's just something some people do. People like different things, people get energy from different things.
If she wants to do it but doesn't know how, then yes you help

Let her live her own life!

If she doesn't want to socialize then don't try to force her!