Guilt eating me up after all these years

[plebs]

I was in a long term relationship that lasted over 5 years. We split up in 2020.

I think things had fizzled out a little bit and I started feeling like I fancied other people. This made me feel awful and guilty so I was thinking about ending things anyway.

I don’t want to go into detail because it might be outing, but long story short, I was kissed by someone very close to my boyfriend. For very specific reasons, I was blackmailed into not only not telling my boyfriend, but telling him it was ME who kissed HIM.
Stupid naive young me went along with it because I was guilt tripped and blackmailed (I’ll ruin your life if you don’t, I’ll tell him anyway etc etc).

My boyfriend was heartbroken. I told him and felt like I was dying inside.
He actually wanted to work through it but I just couldn’t deal with the guilt and all the emotions and we broke up soon after.

This was 4 years ago and honestly I think about him every day. He was beyond lovely and just the best person you could ever meet.
I reached out to him about 2 years ago wishing him well and apologising for hurting him etc.
He gave a nice response but basically said he could never trust me again, it ruined him, took ages to heal etc etc and good luck with everything.
He recently deleted me on social media.

I just so badly wish I could tell him the truth. I feel so guilty for something I didn’t even do and he was heartbroken over something that didn’t happen. He thinks I cheated on him and he said it took him years to heal.
I just wish I could tell him, I’ve recently been having dreams about him etc.

I know you’ll all tell me to leave him alone but he’s just the loveliest guy in the world and it’s still eating me up after 4 years.

Help?!

I think you need therapy to get over this. It's ended. You did what many, many people do. It's time to move on. He is not the only man in the world who will make you happy. There's lots more.

The worst part is, I’m in a relationship now. I’m happy.

I wouldn’t want to tell him for any other ulterior motive. I don’t want to be with him.
I just feel so bad that I absolutely broke him, over something that didn’t even happen. I just feel like the absolute worst person in the world

@plebs we all make mistakes. If it hadn't been you, it could have been him.

Even worse, his girlfriend before him cheated on him. So now he thinks everyone he’s been with has cheated on him, he probably thinks he’s repulsive etc.
I just soooo wish I could tell him it didn’t actually happen

Before me*

I think you need to accept that if you tell him the truth, it’s not going to undo all the hurt. What do you want to achieve? Do you want him to think of you as a good person? Do you want him to forgive you? You still lied to him and betrayed his trust.

Instead, you need to find a way to forgive yourself. Accept that he has moved on and leave him alone. But work on your own happiness.

Don’t contact him op - it wouldn’t be fair and you were not fully happy with him so leave if be

i wouldn’t beat myself up over it all either - try and get past it

Is the person who kissed you still a trusted person in your exes life? If so, I think your ex deserves to know the whole story so he can decide if he wants that person in his life. That person could fuck up your exes life all over again.

I think more than anything, I want him to know that he was lovely and didn’t deserve to be cheated on (he wasnt)

No i don’t think he’s in his life anymore

You’ve already apologised, he isn’t interested, he’s blocked you on SM. What is it going to take for you to realise he doesn’t want to contact him?? Leave him alone!!

That’s something then.

As long as you aren’t telling him in order to get back with him, then now this person is out of his life and presumably has no hold over you, I see no harm in sending a message telling him the truth. He may not believe you but just give him the facts, say you felt it was important for him to know and wish him well.

Is he still friends with the other fella? Is that friend ruining his other relationships? It's a tough one. The fella who kissed you can't "ruin your life" now. So you should be able to tell the truth and clear your name.

But

If you do are you just causing even more hurt to this lovely person just so you can feel better about yourself?

I honestly don't know. But maybe better to just move on. I hope you're ok. Sometimes when we do something out of character it hurts. We realise we're weak and capable of hurting others. But we're all only human. Your relationship was fizzling out anyway. It wasn't going to last. He's ok. He's moved on. It hurts that he has a wrong picture of what actually happened. When you say you were missed by someone, did you kiss him back or did you immediately push him off and stop him?

Nobody can be made to destroy someone’s trust. You weren’t forced, you chose to lie to him, and that is likely where your guilt lies. You could have refused, and you didn’t.

You need to forgive yourself, because wanting his forgiveness is unreasonable.

This! You need to accept there are some things in life you just can’t make right. You had two chances to tell him the truth - when it happened and 2 years ago. Do you think he really needs to hear your third attempt? Leave the poor guy alone, he doesn’t need you stirring up the past again .

He’s probably over it by now tbh, most young people are cheated on at some point and it is horrible but not life ruining

You would be allowing your feelings of guilt to bring up something from years ago that is probably quite hurtful for your ex. What does he gain from this? I don't see it benefits him or helps him. You need to leave him alone.

He already said he doesn’t trust you…. And apparently rightly so. If you go back now to ‘explain’ you’ll make it worse for him.

you need to move on.