AIBU to be annoyed at my mum for a shift bday present?

[NiceRabbits]

So my Mum asked me what I wanted for my birthday this year. I said I'd like her to buy me a nice lunch. We don't go out for meals together very often and when I do see her, I have the kids in tow, so a nice grown up lunch with a bit of chat seemed like a good birthday present.

I arranged for DH to look after the kids, and sent her the menu of a brunch place in town and then somewhere to go after for a drink that had a bit of live music on. I was looking forward to it. All agreed and looking good.

On the morning of our lunch date she sent me a text "Hi NiceRabbits. Aunty Barbara meeting us in town today. 12-00 outside shopping centre. Hope that's okay xx".

Honestly, it was not OK. I love Aunty's Barbara and enjoy her company, but this was supposed to be a lunch with just me and my mum. Inviting her sister was never discussed and I didn't feel like I could object without offending Aunty B. I would be basically uninviting and offending her.

I turned up at the agreed time and the aunt being there completely changed the dynamic. She is a talker and talked constantly about herself and her family. Their achievements, visits, and bereavements. We did some shopping for Aunty Barb at a local market, picking out things for her grandchildren.

Aunty didn't want to go to the cafe we had agreed to go to, as she didn't like the menu, so we went early to the next place and ate there. They have a very nice outdoor space but Aunty didn't want to eat there as there weren't any shaded tables left so we ate a fairly mediocre meal inside, on a beautiful day, and by the time the music started (outside), they were ready to go home.

What's more, I had to sit and listen to the details of her in laws bloody death and clean up whilst I was enjoying my lunch. I mean, I have sympathy for this sort of thing, but surely a celebratory lunch is not the time to rake over it.

On any other day I would have just gone along with this and not cared, but AIBU to think that since this was supposed to be my birthday lunch, my mum should have just told her sister she wasn't free and just given me a bit of time to enjoy a birthday lunch? I actually felt like a bit of a gooseberry. Like I was intruding on their lunch date and it was nothing to do with me at all. They mainly spoke to each other and didn't ask me anything about my life or news or opinions or anything.

AIBU to be pissed off at my mum for making my birthday lunch the shittest birthday present ever?

Have you told your mum how disappointed you are? I would.

I started your post thinking I was going to be a YABU, but ended it as a YANBU. That wasn't a birthday lunch and you deserve a do-over.

I'm sorry you were disappointed. You need to tell your mum that while you love your aunty B, what you wanted was mother-daughter time and that your aunt being there changed the dynamic you were after. Happy birthday.

That sounds really disappointing, I'm sorry. You're not being unreasonable, but prepare to be told you are by the usual goaders.

Maybe your mum felt a bit coerced into it, her sister sounds a bit overbearing, perhaps she finds it hard to say no.

(Sorry, didn't mean to quote and can't get it off in editing)

Why did you have to go to the other place? Did your mum hit say this was your birthday meal?

OP, you deserve a do-over. I think you need to let your mum know that it felt like you were a third wheel on your birthday treat and that you didn't have a good time.

No I haven't. I've avoided her this week. My mum never apologises and will either gloss over it or cry and wail about being a terrible mother and turn it into something she deserves pity for.

I’m sorry. This is really shitty and I would be angry about this too. I especially get it because it’s the exact of thing that I can see my mum doing.

Yes she does find it hard to say no, I think. Perhaps the reason for my disappointment is because she has a history of never sticking up for me or prioritising me.

This was my birthday present. My mum was weirded out that she had nothing to physically hand over but I thought I assured her that a lunch spent together was just what I wanted.

I didn't explicitly say "Please don't invite your sister or anyone else without consulting me and spring it on me at the last" minute, but I didn't expect she would do that.

We didn't go to the place I wanted because there was nothing on the menu that Aunty B could eat and she said she would just have a drink whilst we ate, which maybe sounds reasonable here but she hadn't had her lunch and I didn't want anyone to just be a spectator to our meal, making the whole thing a bit uncomfortable.

I think that was terrible on your mum’s part. She should have declined . I have a sister and if she was taking her daughter out for her birthday there is no way in hell she would let me come if I had to have got in touch with her on the day to ask to meet up . At least I don’t think she would! Anyway, if you would have said no you probably would have felt guilty , so it was a no win either way . Bad timing all around .

You're definitely NOT B U! I think in your shoes, I would make a point of speaking to your Mum, and asking her if she actually invited your Aunty along, or whether she invited herself when she knew what was happening. Then if she says, that your Aunt invited herself, I would say, I thought that must have been the case, as I know you were looking forward to it just being me and you, could we perhaps have a re-run, and do the things we actually planned to do, as Aunty did rather change the dynamic, didn't she? That way you're not accusing her of anything, which should avoid her thinking she's a bad Mum, but will give you that Mum and daughter time that you were clearly looking forward to.

Thats shit and I’d be pissed too. You should have said it wasn’t ok when she text you. Tell your mum how you’re feeling so hopefully it doesn’t happen again, but if it does, speak up. You don’t have to be a people pleaser and put up with crap to make others feel ok at your own expense. Most women learn that lesson to late.

•too

She agreed to a lovely lunch and plan that you wanted, and then changed it completely. That's not on, and I'd be really disappointed too. It's pretty selfish of her not to stick up for you on the day "no aunty b the plan was to go here, so that's what we're doing", or to acknowledge the shittiness of the change up. I'd have a word, ignore her likely emotional outburst, and lower my expectations in future. Maybe next year ask her to mind the kids while you go out with dh to the nice cafe and drinks after. Happy birthday, you deserve better

YANBU but people aren't mind readers and if you are able to explain how you feel to your mum, that would be a good idea.

It seems that it was something very innocent from yours mums perspective so she likely had no idea how you felt about it if it's a normal thing to do

Even if your sister did invite you - I’m sure you would like a normal person go along with the birthday persons plans not railroad the day.

Im a picky eater but there is always something on the menu and if someone’s birthday I will put up and shut up- sorry op I still think you should tell your mum if she turns on the waterworks just say no mum stop trying to play the victim and walk away

Thanks, this is good advice and would get the point through without causing any drama.

I didn't feel like I could say anything because of my aunts recent health scare and bereavement. She does deserve some of our company and attention, so I didn't want to uninvite her and make her feel bad. I just think we could have done that separately to my birthday celebration, but my mum didn't really give us the option.

This is good advice, I think.

That’s why you have to say no. You can’t control what other people do, but you can control what you do.

Your aunts health scare and bereavement doesn’t mean she has to invade every occasion.

Do a brisk, ‘Mum, since we missed out on my birthday lunch shall we rearrange it for xxx date?’

Then if she says that you did have it just reply, ‘I don’t know about you, mum, but spending my birthday listening to Auntie Barbara banging on about Trevor’s macrame competitions, and having to go to a crappy cafe instead of the one we picked, was not my idea of a fun birthday treat. Shall we book the one we did want to go to in the first place?’

Uncle Trevor's macrame competition has really made me laugh 😁 Thank you, I think I need a sense of humour around this. You give good advice too 🙂

From what you are saying, your mum has a history of not asserting herself in a mature, non confrontational / non passive aggressive way, at your expense. You thought this time would be different, and it wasn’t, because you expected a change of a dynamic that’s been going on for decades.

I’m not sure you’re ever going to change your mum, but you can have a hyper vigilant awareness of how you are with your own children, which most probably you already do, we tend to try and avoid the mistakes our parents did.

It’s lovely you wanted to spend quality time with your mum for your birthday and understandable you’re disappointed. I would start a new chapter, next time make it very clear you’d like time with her alone, without kids, aunties etc.

This is brilliant!

YANBU OP

So you sucked up a shit birthday treat because didn't want to make your aunt feel bad, but it was okay for Aunty B to barge in last minute and trample all over your plans with no consideration for anyone's wishes?

Fuck Aunty feeling bad, honestly! You absolutely deserve a re-run, and next time your mum tries to pull a last-minute stunt like that, speak up and say that no, actually it's not okay. Your feelings matter, too. More so in this particular instance, as it was your supposed to be your special day.