What to do if you find out friend is abusive

[MrsCrumbleshanks]

The parter of my husband's friend (is it easier with names? I'll call her Anna) messaged me today to ask if I could "have a word" with her partner (let's call him Ben) because she doesn't know what to do with him any more.

This was quite out of the blue. I don't really know her that well and haven't spent much time with her. My husband has known Ben since uni days (now 40s). Never had a girlfriend as far as DH knew.

I considered Ben a bit of a dick really. We do a hobby together, and he used to stay overnight with us fairly regularly because of it. I always dreaded it because I found him so annoying. But then he met Anna (via OLD I think) and somehow he started not being a dick any more. I actually liked him and didn't mind him staying! He was great with our kids (once they came along), playing with them, reading books, looking at their toys and being interested and asking about them.

He was a bit on and off with Anna, but then she got pregnant and they seemed to decide to make a go of it. Their kid is now 3.5. They are not married.

I had seen Ben just the day before but nothing had seemed amiss, so I replied asking what was happening, and she just poured out all these details about their living situation. He's really horrible to her. Puts her down, criticises, calls her lazy for only working part time (when she also has to manage pick ups for their child), he mocks her, is obsessed with money, blames her for not earning enough, he's starting to refuse to pay for their child, threatening her with court...

I couldn't believe it. I mean, I've been on Mumsnet long enough to believe that men can behave in any way possible behind closed doors. But when it's right on your doorstep, it's just unbelievable.

She said that she knew that his version would be that she's mentally ill, and I have heard from my husband that he has said similar about her before.

I just don't know what to do with all this information! Obviously, it's not much to do with me really. They live in another city so our contact with them is limited. But Ben still does the hobby and he's supposed to be staying this Friday!

WWYD? AIBU to say "ok, stay this Friday then no more"? How can someone seem so nice, and be totally horrible and abusive to someone else? Ugh :(

I think having a word with him, ultimately, won’t help her and it could tip things from being abusive to dangerous. She needs to contact Women’s Aid. Let her know that you believe her and are on her side. What does your DH think? Mine would be absolutely appalled.

To everyone else (bar his mum
on one occasion and his ex GF) my DH looks like the perfect man. It’s amazing how different some people are behind closed doors. But there are always two sides to every story. My money is on him
being a dick though but I may be projecting.

@Spaghettily Sorry you're in a similar situation
I'm sure it would be interesting to hear his side of the story, but like you, I'd also bet on him being the dick here.

I really feel for her because she's very vulnerable because they aren't married. He comes from a well-off family, and has a successful business himself, so they've been living in his flat. Luckily she does have her own flat from before they got together, but it has tenants currently and she'd have to up her hours to full time to afford the mortgage payments. This is also difficult as she has a part time contract that's not easy to change. It's just a mess

Hopeful bump!

I did similar with my exHs brother. He did nothing. They didn't want to get involved. I do think a man to man chat "how are you coping" "how are you and partner doing" "oh mate you can't treat her like that" would help. Hearing it from a man not a woman.

I eventually found the courage to leave on my own.

She needs to leave him. Is the house in her name? She changes the locks. In his, she needs to move out while he's at your house. Even try to keep him longer to give her more time.

I would recommend that instead of having a word with him, you help her to seek support for herself. There are two sides to every story and it’s not up to you to resolve this. If she presses you to have a word with him, I would be clear that this is not your beef. Also he has been your husband’s friend for 22 years, it’s a long term friendship and he may not thank you for potentially ending it.
you are already not keen on this man, so maybe her version if the correct one. A word from you will not solve this.

Having a word isn't going to change him from being a dick to not being a dick. If a man treats a woman like that, she should leave him. The end. Even if the 'having a word' worked to any extent (almost certainly only temporarily), who on earth would want to be with a man who needs a telling off in order to remind him not to treat a woman like shit?

Advise her to speak to Women’s Aid

having a word is just going to see him either get angry (the most dangerous point in an abusive relationship is when the abuser feels they’re losing control) or attempt to isolate her further

Thanks everyone! I'm finding it difficult to imagine how a conversation with him would go. DH will maybe try to bring it up in the pub after the hobby (I'll be at home with the kids by then) and see where it goes. He's as surprised as me. We had absolutely no idea about any of it.

Though I can kind of imagine how it'll go - "she struggles a lot, she doesn't want to work, I have to pay for everything, she can't manage our child on her own, I have to tell her how to do everything..." etc.

I would like to not have him to stay at ours any more, but DH thinks this might make things worse for her at home when Ben discovers why. Which could be right, I just don't know.

I agree with PPs. Mentioning anything to him increases the risk to her. So please don't do this.

Instead be a listening ear for her.
Support her to talk to women's aid/make plans to leave etc.

If you think this sounds totally out of character I would be hesitant and consider it with an open mind.
Did you see the documentary recently about the man suffering domestic abuse at the hands of his wife? Yet she badmouthed him and said he abused her, until people saw the cctv of it being the other way round.
Why has she come to you, his friends, for you to sort it?
I know statistically the man is a lot more likely to be the abuser but I’d be wary if it is totally out of character and remember there’s 2 sides until you know the full facts.