Getting fed up of my partner

DenimBeaker · 2024-05-18T20:51:45+00:00

I had a good relationship with DP before our first child was born prematurely in December. There has been a lot of hospital stress (mostly faced by me), but at home DP is just plain getting on my nerves! He sleeps in a separate bedroom even at weekends as he doesn't want to be woken up. Doesn't change nappies or do bottles. He will sometimes clean the house but makes such a thing of it... and he is throwing himself into DIY recently (again which he wants me to admire all the time). He is generally in quite a sulky mood every day, and can't handle criticism. Once he left for 2 days, when he came back he admitted he had been selfish and needed to do more, but he thinks non-urgent DIY counts. Tonight I had a bit of a moan about him drying paint rollers on our kitchen drying rack, which has led to a long rant about how hard he works and him going to bed early after refusing to make up. He has no concept of how hard I work looking after DS, or that I'm still running my own business remotely on the side. I'm finding myself enjoying time in the house more when he's not there and keep thinking about what life would be like in my own place with DS. DP's family make it worse as his mother is high maintenance and wants frequent errands from him. I will give it time, but feeling worn down by it all. I feel less connected to DP and then feel a bit guilty as he isn't a horrible person, just selfish and clueless!

Sapphire387 · 18/05/2024 22:04

'He isn't a horrible person, just selfish'.

In this instance, it's the same. Awful of him to leave all the baby care to you.

Lmnop22 · 18/05/2024 22:23

Could you just set out clear expectations from him from the start. For example, when my DS was born, I breastfed so I did all the night wakes. But my partner cleaned the kitchen every evening before we went to bed and sterilised all the bottles in microwave once we swapped to formula (I carried on doing night wakes after that because DS was used to it and they were fewer and further between by then!). I did the laundry because it was easier for me to get done during the day as I was off work and he did most of the cooking so I could settle the baby in the evenings. We had one lie in per week each at the weekends, him on Saturday and me on Sunday etc.

He may just be clueless about how to help you most effectively or feel worried about doing baby things like nappy changes and feeds correctly. Before you write him off, I would try doing some division of chores and tell him exactly what you want from him. That way, if he doesn’t do it, at least he can’t blame ignorance or lack of communication!

Original poster

DenimBeaker · 18/05/2024 22:38

I'll have a go... at the moment he doesn't even clean up his own breakfast things in the morning, so I clean it all. Then about once a week he wants a pat on the back for cleaning the kitchen 😖

I've tried asking him to do stuff in evenings and usually get 'I've got a bad back' or 'I think I've caught a cold at work so can't go near the baby' (the latter lasted for weeks with no symptoms and I think it's just in his head when he says it now) but perhaps I need to put a more regular structure around it. Thanks for the advice / comments.

OP posts:

ThinWomansBrain · 18/05/2024 22:42

pack his bags & tell him to go home to Mummy?
she raised the useless twat.

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 18/05/2024 22:47

Weaponised incompetence at play here

he doesn’t care about housework or you for that matter and worse his child.

think really hard on what you want for the future because who as an adult sulks and leaves for 2 days. Because he’ll do it again and it’ll wear you down in the years ahead.

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 18/05/2024 22:49

Lmnop22 · 18/05/2024 22:23

Could you just set out clear expectations from him from the start. For example, when my DS was born, I breastfed so I did all the night wakes. But my partner cleaned the kitchen every evening before we went to bed and sterilised all the bottles in microwave once we swapped to formula (I carried on doing night wakes after that because DS was used to it and they were fewer and further between by then!). I did the laundry because it was easier for me to get done during the day as I was off work and he did most of the cooking so I could settle the baby in the evenings. We had one lie in per week each at the weekends, him on Saturday and me on Sunday etc.

He may just be clueless about how to help you most effectively or feel worried about doing baby things like nappy changes and feeds correctly. Before you write him off, I would try doing some division of chores and tell him exactly what you want from him. That way, if he doesn’t do it, at least he can’t blame ignorance or lack of communication!

Women are clueless to with first born babies

why the hell does he get a pass and his partner has to do him essentially a list

sod that

abracadabra1980 · 18/05/2024 22:53

ThinWomansBrain · 18/05/2024 22:42

pack his bags & tell him to go home to Mummy?
she raised the useless twat.

This. I blame mothers in the main for raising useless sons. They need to stop mollycoddling them to give themselves a purpose in life and teach them to do more in the home to at least give them a stab at having a happy relationship or marriage. I'm not backwards in reminding my son of this - he's now early 20's 😜

Renamed · 18/05/2024 22:54

I think the point pp was making was that both parents should be adjusting their lives to the needs of the baby. In the example given, the DH is not doing things “for” the mother or to “help” her. It’s a division of tasks based around the child’s needs, and the DH knows that, rather than thinking the baby’s relationship is only with the mother.

Original poster

DenimBeaker · 18/05/2024 22:56

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 18/05/2024 22:47

Weaponised incompetence at play here

he doesn’t care about housework or you for that matter and worse his child.

think really hard on what you want for the future because who as an adult sulks and leaves for 2 days. Because he’ll do it again and it’ll wear you down in the years ahead.

It was awful... quite early days after a long hospital stay then as well, I wasn't sleeping well and my mum ended up coming to my rescue as I was completely exhausted. My mum said even if the argument was 50/50 he shouldn't have walked out. He didn't immediately apologise either, first he told me about how I had changed! I think he will be more involved with DS when he's older... it took him a very long time to bond with him at all. He will pick him up voluntarily now, whereas for months he didn't want to, which hurt me.

OP posts:

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 18/05/2024 23:02

DenimBeaker · 18/05/2024 22:56

It was awful... quite early days after a long hospital stay then as well, I wasn't sleeping well and my mum ended up coming to my rescue as I was completely exhausted. My mum said even if the argument was 50/50 he shouldn't have walked out. He didn't immediately apologise either, first he told me about how I had changed! I think he will be more involved with DS when he's older... it took him a very long time to bond with him at all. He will pick him up voluntarily now, whereas for months he didn't want to, which hurt me.

Show quote history

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5071609-top-places-exh-sulked-can-anyone-top-these-semi-lighthearted?page=15&reply=135222876

this could be you in years to come sorry 😞 but if he can do the above he’ll do again if you don’t stop “nagging” or whatever he deems wrong.

will he talk
will he listen
will get defensive

what was his upbringing like as that could be very telling.

only you can decide your future.

Page 15 | Top places exH sulked - can anyone top these! (semi-lighthearted!) | Mumsnet

Currently going through a divorce from my super sulker ex, and often find myself thinking, with incredulity, at some of the sulks soon-to-be-exH pulle...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5071609-top-places-exh-sulked-can-anyone-top-these-semi-lighthearted?page=15&reply=135222876

Cherrysoup · 18/05/2024 23:04

Have you tried calling him out on his utter nonsense?

Original poster

DenimBeaker · 18/05/2024 23:13

Cherrysoup · 18/05/2024 23:04

Have you tried calling him out on his utter nonsense?

Yes... it usually results in a sulk, but we had a serious talk when he came back after leaving for 2 days (I was ready to chuck him at that point) and he said he needed to do more and he 'could'. He has a bit... but he still thinks things like painting the garage are enough of a contribution! I will talk to him tomorrow, as going to bed early and listening to music is a luxury I don't have, and it feels teenager-like (which he is far from!).

The strange thing is he was pushing to have a child more than I was! I dearly love my son of course and am very grateful to have him.

OP posts:

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 18/05/2024 23:18

So you’re in the cycle. I’ll sulk and make up and she’ll put up with it bollocks

so talking makes him defensive then.

how would he take it if you told him it’s over. Bet he’d be surprised even shocked too and didn’t see it coming.

purplesalad · 19/05/2024 08:09

If you fantasise about life without him, then you need to make it a reality.

Why should you have to give him a list of your expectations ?

As a grown man with a baby son he should be clued up and ready to step up without having to be told.Who gives a toss about his recreational DIY ? !

So if I were you I’d just bite the bullet and kick him out today. He’s useless and only his mum will put up with him.Pack his bags and change the locks without further delay and don’t fall for it when he promises to change and begs to move back in.

Dont fall into the toxic cycle of making up with him, him promising to change ( but not) then back to sulking, making up and on and on .

He has shown you who he is.
10, 20 years from now, he will be either the same or worse.

Imagine how lovely life will be without the stress and mess he causes.

He can see his son by arrangement and pay via CMS.