Friend taking advantage of me. I am not a hotel!

[brownbreadd]

it's a long one!!!! Buckle in!

So I met a new friend online on a Facebook forum locally whereby we realised that we had a lot of the same interests, and therefore decided after a little while of talking to me up for coffee.. eventually things progressed in our friendship and we became quite close...fast forward 2 years are now very good friends!

I have recently started to notice a few things that do not sit well with me and I would consider to be red flags. I don't know if it is just me being paranoid or sensitive so I wanted to pop something up here to get others opinions. 🤷🏼‍♀️

A few months back, DH and I finally sold our house after having been on the market for quite a while... things were going really well, and it was naturally a very busy time for us. We found another property that we liked and we had progressed quite far down the chain in regards to getting the move going!

During this time, my friend would hound me sometimes four times a day (yes really, I've got the screenshots!) about different holidays and trips that she wanted to go on because her annual leave calendar had been updated for the year.
As I say this was a very busy time for us and we were constantly having to get things sorted legally, attending appts etc and so I kept telling her that unfortunately at this point in time I cannot guarantee when or if I can go away with her because I have so much going on at home. My husband and I were also about to start a new job each at the time.. so it was really all very hectic!

She would absolutely hound me from the moment that I woke up to the minute that I would go to bed and even though I kept being polite and declining the offers and explaining my reasons why, she would constantly bombard me with messages and screenshots of holidays. Got to the point where I dreaded opening my phone when I saw a message from her in the morning, and she was putting me in such a negative headspace that I was taking it out on my poor DH. 🥺

Eventually, she caught me on a really hard day through other reasons that I won't go into... and I ended up caving and booking something with her for a few months time. I am really not looking forward to it to be honest and would much rather be here at home as I recently started my new job and I'm missing vital training time. This is by the by, I cannot do anything about it now. It is a holiday for just me and her, my husband is staying at home due to working commitments.

Anyway, in the end, unfortunately a couple of months after the sale etc our buyers had to pull out for financial reasons. It was gutting, we lost chunks of money and the home we loved and were accepted on... but I guess we are able to go on the holiday, but it just feels completely tainted in the fact that she would not take no for an answer from me, even though I was continuously explaining my reasons..

Fast forward to now and she has met a new man who I have met only a small handful of times. He seems nice enough, but I do not know anything about him literally other than his name and profession.

A few weeks ago, my friend started hounding me about an event that she wanted to go to locally one weekend. I suffer greatly with extreme anxiety and ASD and drinking and clubs is really not my scene at all. It makes me highly anxious and it's honestly just my worst nightmare being in that type of situstjon. She went on and on at me so much that again I ended up cracking and saying that I will go with her. It was quite odd. She even made me pinky promise..

As I mentioned earlier, I am now in my new job, and have since had my rots through for this point in time whereby I am actually scheduled to work the following day on an early shift, so I am actually dreading going out even more now because I want to be able to excel in my job and function properly at work the following day. It's likely I won't be home until early hours of the morning of the day I'm expected into work. My job is set on high performance targets and I don't function well regardless on no / little sleep. I won't be hungover as I don't drink, but I will be shattered!!!!!

Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, she has now met said new man and he has been asked to come along with us to said event, along with my husband now, too. She has said she wants to make it a double date

This morning I received a message from my friend asking if her and her new man can sleep round at mine and DH's house the evening of this event because they have looked into hotels and they are coming out too expensive so they want somewhere free to stay overnight. They both still live with family at home.

My initial reaction to this message was that it was extremely cheeky and rude to ask. I have work the next morning and I have also got a viewing scheduled on our home that morning too. It would not be suitable to have guests in the house that morning when I need to tidy up and prepare for the viewing!

That aside, I do not know this man at all, I don't know anything about him, what he's like etc. I feel in a vulnerable position because the house is often empty due to mine and my partners working schedule, and I don't know who this man might know / what he could do. Not saying he would, but I'm extremely wary already living in a remote location.

I took me a good hour to muster up the courage to text her back. I did, and told her unfortunately this would not be possible because I have work the next day and I also have a home viewing. Yet again, my word was not good enough for her, and she has gone on and on about the fact that accommodation in the area we are going out in is too expensive and they just want to spend one night together...

this obviously makes me feel really uncomfortable, not only the fact that I don't know him but also the fact that they want to spend the night together under my roof!!!!! All day she has been going on and on about the fact that it would just be one night and that they would be out of our way by the morning.

Is it weird that I almost find this more insulting?! It's like they are just using me as a place to sleep together before heading out for the day the next day!!! I just feel completely used and as though my word NO is not good enough or respected.

Not only does she do things like this, but she also often has her deliveries and parcels directed to my home address without having ever asked me if that is okay. I often come home to find parcels of all shapes and sizes on my doorstep addressed to her, and a couple of weeks ago I was getting ready for bed at 11 pm when my ring doorbell alerted me movement outside of my home. I checked my ring doorbell and it was her at 11 pm on my driveway collecting a parcel from my front doorstep. She did not once ask me if she could come at that time of night or even if she could have anything delivered to my address AT ALL. in fact she has never asked!!

when I asked her about this, she told me that she cannot have things delivered to her home address since she still lives with her family and they become concerned with her spending habits because she continually has parcels arriving. So, she has to have them delivered to my address to hide that from the family.

Through all of this, I am trying to run my home, maintain a good relationship with my poor DH who is constantly working. I am also trying to excel in my new job, and maintain the house for the market and viewings... to be honest it feels as though she is trying to make things difficult for us.

I am not entirely sure what I am asking here...

I guess I just need an outsiders perspective? I feel like I'm being used and abused for my Home, my address for her parcels, and as somebody that she can fill her free time with. I just feel as though the friendship is very one-sided...

I think I mentioned above, I do suffer extreme anxiety and ASD, so I am sure if it is overreacting or being paranoid... I just feel as though I want this holiday over and done with and then I want to try and distance myself from her a little.

Almost as soon as this holiday was booked, she was then sending me other holidays for later in the year. When I was saying no to the first holiday; she kept telling me that she cannot function without a years worth of plans in advance and that she doesn't know anyone but me, she needs to book up as much as she can with me.

I tried to gently explain to her that I have also got my own things that I want to book, such as special anniversary trip with my husband later in the year!! I think she has been so used to almost being the third person in our relationship for so long, she almost feels as though it is a given that she will attend anything like this with us! I have just tried to make her feeling included where she has been continuously saying how lonely she is.

There is nothing odd going on (!!!) but for example, if DH and I are popping out for a bite to eat, and she is asking me what I'm doing, I will offer for her to come along etc.

When I mentioned about the fact that I will also want holidays later in the year with my husband, she became funny about the fact that I had not asked if she wants to come along. I can only hope that now she has met this new man, hopefully they can start to organise things together themselves.

I feel bad as my fuse is getting shorter, but I am really struggling to regulate my emotions around this situation, and feel as though I am being used and abused. I have plenty of other friends who are low maintenance and lovely and would never be like this to me.

As I say, I'm not really sure what I'm asking here but perhaps an outsiders perspective would help me!

Thank you in advance and thank you for reading if you got this far!!!

Personally I’d not post anything and eventually hide my accounts for a few months so she can’t stalk you via social media at least. If she says anything just say you’re swamped with life and need to take a break. Slowly slowly pull away.

Why are you "still" having "a complete sinking feeling about the holiday"? Those feelings are there for a reason - they're there to guide you towards what's good for you, or in this case not good for you.

Cancel your part of the holiday. Save your annual leave for something nicer.

OMG! Ditch her & get out of the holiday & the evening event - you don't want to go to either & you're a grown woman - just say NO! She's bonkers & taking the piss!!

OP- you are STILL justifying yourself to her! why do you need to excuse yourself by saying you're at a family member's house? its none of her bloody business what you choose to do in your time off.

She is controlling you- how dare she question where you are and why. If you continue in this vein nothing will change. You need to stop making excuses and telling her where you are- ignore her, she's acting like an abusive partner. Block her or ignore any messages. Nothing will change unless you change your own behaviour here.

She has no right to be off with you.
She has no right to disapprove of your friends.
She has no right to use you, in all the self-serving ways she does.
She has no right to bombard you with messages.
She has no right to know what time you leave work or where you go.
She has no right to make you go against your own free will.
She is trying, and succeeding, to make you go against your own free will.
She is trying, and succeeding, to control you. Because you enable her.

No wonder your heart sinks when you think of the holiday.
My heart sank reading your last update, because OP, there was a hint of you sounding like her victim. You didn’t need to respond to that impertinent question yesterday at all. You aren’t helping yourself by responding. Who cares if she disapproves that you didn’t tell her when you left work. It’s none of her business. And it’s none of your businesses if she is upset by it.

It feels quite serious now OP.
By responding, you are encouraging her to mistreat you even more.
You can stop handing yourself to her on a plate if you really want to.
There has been so much good advice on here already.
If you can’t say no to her by yourself, ask your DH to help you.

@brownbreadd What is the worst that can happen when you cancel the holiday, the event and the parcel collection service?

Think about it.

You block her and then you will never see her or hear from her again.

So, what is stopping you? You don't owe her anything. Nothing. At. All.

Tell her you don't need to tell her your every move. She's not your keeper!

OP if this was a relationship, I'd be telling you to run for the hills. You need to get rid of this so called friend.

I wouldn't block or escalate this, people seem to be forgetting she knows where you live.
I would be clear about the holiday ( I don't have the holidays or funds and am prioritising my husband)
Then be clear about the night out (no).
There will likely be a row, but that's ok, and just hold your boundaries. Move as soon as possible and ignore as much contact as possible.
Do not put your move or information on socials and keep your new address quiet so she can't get it from someone else being helpful.

You made friends with her when you were vulnerable, people have poor decision making when vulnerable. It’s why it’s good to have a big gap between partners and I suppose maybe the same could be said of very close friendships.

I would say she is a drain on you and though making adult friends can be tricky it’s not worth it. I met a woman through a women’s online group. Big groups but also individuals meeting up. She was all over me too soon so after we had met up a few times I just started to say sorry couldn’t meet then. She gave me a lift once as it started to rain and was a bit insistent so I got her to drop me off outside a local school and not my road. She was nice enough but a bit intense, she asked me about going on holiday on our fourth meet up and that was too much for me same has happened again with me being invited to someones house the first time I met them. I have made a very good friend at this group and the friendship evolved over a few months.

She sounds unhinged and totally suffocating.

Id block her for the good of your mental health.

OP I can see how it is not easy for you to just block her, or just say no to her like some people are suggesting. As for the no is a complete sentence, that is bollocks and doesn't work in real life.

Some people may be able to cut her off instantly. We are all different, but you seem to have a soft nature and should not have to change that for this person. I do think though, that gradually you can become become firmer, but this does not happen overnight.

I would do the slow fade.

Start this by muting her messages (or calls if she phones, ignore the door if she knocks), and read her messages towards the end of the day or whenever. You do NOT need to reply right away. You do not need to reply at all in some instances.

But I do think you need to cancel the night out right away. You can pull out of the holiday next, but do the closest one first.

Hi X, apologies, I won't be able to make the night out on Wednesday, I have an important work issue the next day that I need to be focused for. Then do not respond to all those replies.

Then you decline the holiday. HI X, after a lot of thought, I won't be able to make the holiday after all. As you know I do have other stuff going on that has to take priority. I am sure Y would like to go with you instead, he will just need to pay for the name change (or whatever the case is).

You will lose money on this no doubt, but it is better to take one financial hit than a lengthy mental one.

But now you are aware of how she operates, you can avoid being put into these positions again. I will bet my bottom dollar that if you lessen your communications with her, and do not agree to everything she wants to do, she is going to start looking elsewhere to for someone else to do it all with (and manipulate). Be boring to her. Spend more time with you DH, and without her. Go on trips just the two of you and do not invite her. Do not respond to her self invitations either.

If you can bring yourself to cut her off completely, then all is good. But I know it is not as easy and straightforward for some people to do that. You do it in a way that is best for you. But you have to do it somehow. This cannot carry on.

This. Genuinely OP, you need to put yourself first; this so called friend has drained you, do you want this madness to continue?! I wonder how old you are; I was a people pleaser for years, to my own detriment. I put it down to how my parents treated me, like my feelings didn't matter. It's dangerous. Abusers can spot us a mile off. Finding Mumsnet was an eye opener for me, that and going through menopause! Don't wait that long, if you're younger - really pay attention to your gut feeling, and ditch this "friend".

I agree with all of this.

I feel I can relate a bit to OP as this was me some years ago. A complete people pleaser and the "wouldn't say boo to a goose' type.

I am older and wiser now. And have toughened up a lot. But it took time, it is not something that happens overnight.

And yes to being a target for abusers who know they can get their own way no matter what.

OP you are aware of what is happening now. That is a major thing. So you can pre-empt things now, and be prepared with responses and replies or the lack thereof.

@brownbreadd

So many of us have told you to end this friendship, but I know it's not as easy as we make it sound.

If you're feeling that you want to text her/message her (I wouldn't recommend in person or phone call) can you 'lean' on your DH through the process? Not saying he should 'take over' but I do know that my DH is a rock I can lean on when I need just that little bit of confidence when I have to do something that I'm worried about. I really hate confrontation and he's great at validating me.

Message her and block. Or message her and have your DH look at any return messages, tell you what you need to know, then delete them.

I know we're supposed to be 'big, strong, boss babes' but sometimes we do need someone sitting beside us IRL telling us we're doing the right thing.

She has been as bit off towards me today, commenting after a photo of the garden that I put on my social media stories; whereby she asked why I didn't tell her that I'd finished work and wanted to know where I am

She sounds incredibly obsessive and overbearing.

This whole post reads exactly like another I've seen today where someone is in an abusive relationship with a controlling partner - your 'friend' is super controlling OP, and it doesn't sound like she's even a friend. She is taking advantage of you and tramping your boundaries because you allow it by wanting to be "kind" to her. She isn't being kind to you! Say no and block her for a while if you want to. It sounds like you need some space from her. If you don't enjoy seeing somebody and spending time with them, the friendship may have run its course and there is nothing wrong with that. You don't owe this person anything. Do what feels right for you.

As soon as you move house, block her and cut ties. This is a seriously unhealthy friendship that you admit is impacting your relationship with your husband.
Do not ever give this woman your new address.

I agree with the get a backbone comment!
Stop trying for a quiet life, which you're not actually getting and cancel everything you've booked!
Move, don't give your address and change your number. This is going to continue, she's as thick as mince if she isn't aware of how you are interacting with her and not taking no for an answer!
This isn't friendship at all, this is using and bullying! How dare she have parcels delivered and not ask? How dare she want to stay free at your home? Nah, you need to ghost, she has a bloke now, let her get on with him and leave you alone! Good luck! 🌹

This.

Tell you you can't go in the holiday, her new man can go instead of you. Then once the details are sorted, block her and move house.

You both sound so exhausting! She for being a CF and you for being such a wet blanket & a push over! Just say no, & if she keeps messaging just ignore them. END OF! Or respond “I do not understand why you keep asking when I have said no” and then do not respond. You new job is more important also, so you should pull out of the night out before your work event.

Sounds like you’ve got a little “Baby Reindeer “ situation going on…The texts from morning til night? Not taking no for an answer? Inserting herself into everything you do with your life? Getting her mail delivered to you? Yikes.

As you state you have other, normal friends then I suggest you need to step back ( waaay back) from this stifling nonsense. As others have said, grow a backbone and make sure NO means NO.

What does your husband make of it?
And ffs don’t let them stay in your house!!!

Also, cancel the holiday. Tell her due to house move and new jobs you can no longer go and she can take her new boyfriend.

She sounds like a bloody stalker say no and stuck to your guns . Your a married woman and your poor husband seems to be getting left behind get your priorities in order and tell her to piss of if she won’t listen when your trying to be nice

No. I did not get as far as reading to the end.

YOU MUPPET and WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE?

I would call you a moron. But you are an enabler.

You repeatedly say "NO" and yet you always end up agreeing to something and taking no responsibility for YOU agreeing to something.

Serously, you're not under physical duress.

So what is it about this friendship you want to keep?

You have no personal boundaries you want respected. Or if you do, even I can't respect them or be bothered to know what they are.

What is it you want?

Just either continue being a disgruntled doormat, or cut this friend out your life or work out what you do want.

It's not hard for most people when they change jobs or move house to tell friends they need to focus elsewhere until they're sorted.

It takes a moron to continue narratives for holidays and social occasions, when they really need to focus on their own family.

And why is your husband not your no.1 person to turn to? Or despite being married, is it because you can't turn to or rely on your husband?

I once had a friend like you, she always expected me to drop everything for her. She was married with two children, l was a single mother to one....She didn't drive & would ask me to run her here, there & everywhere...Another occasion arose, & due to work commitments l just not do what she wanted me too....From that day on, she never contacted me again.....she was never really my friend, l was her gofer & taxi...You live and learn.