To not want to be forced to socialise with DP’s friends?

[redrabagge]

I have nothing in common with his friends or their partners. That’s absolutely fine. I have been to their partied before and entertained them here and chat pleasant chitchat.

DP has agreed to go to a barbeque at their house. Which is an hour away each way. I never said yes to going.

I’m tired and stressed with work and would rather just go for a wander or go to the cinema. DP is annoyed that I won’t go and he has to go alone.

Honestly the only thing we have in common is that we share a religion. Jobs wise, interests, backgrounds, are completely opposite. I’m sure they find me boring too.

AIBU to not want to socialise with his friends? Dp always invites himself to things with my friends but I’m quite happy to have separate social lives.

Let him go by himself. As long as you pass yourself with them occasionally I think that's important but totally fine to sit the odd one out too!

Yanbu but I can't see a relationship like this lasting very long. His friendships are part of how he spends his spare time, just like his family. If you didn't like his family would you not bother too? And besides I wouldn't want to be with someone who expects me to attend things alone. It will get way more complicated if you have kids.

Frequently, or a couple of times a year? If the latter then I do think it’s important to make an effort with a partner’s friends occasionally. They’re people he holds in high esteem who have been there for him probably before you even came into the scene. You don’t have to be their best buddies but you also don’t have to make it clear to them that you dislike them so much you can’t even spend a couple of hours in their company, which is going to be embarrassing and hurtful for your partner.

I’m tired and stressed with work and would rather just go for a wander or go to the cinema. DP is annoyed that I won’t go and he has to go alone

He sounds a bit selfish. You’re stressed and he’s bothered you won’t go to his mates bbq? It’s his friends want the big deal with going alone? I’m single but most of my friends aren’t and they often and happily attend friends without their partners.

Also if you’re not keen on having him at your events start telling him that sometimes you’ll rather go to planned social event yourself or say it’s ladies only or no one else is bringing their partner or something (if that’s true) .

And I don’t agree that it’s embarrassing for him for to go alone. if they are curious he can easily say @redrabagge isn’t feeling well (stressed) or she has other plans. You don’t need to attend a social event with your partner and many people don’t so I doubt they’ll be thinking that hard about her absence.

He should have consulted you before accepting an invitation on your behalf.

I think some effort is required, but it sounds like you are already doing that. You shouldn't have to turn up to every single thing. He should let you pass on this one if you are really not feeling up to it.

I think if you're happy to see them occasionally then honestly, I think it's fine to skip out occasionally.

I never see DH's mates and he doesn't see mine - it's fine.

Yeah it’s all a bit much, he invites himself to all OPs social event then he makes unilateral decisions on her attending his friends social events.

Of course you’re not unreasonable not to want to attend a specific social occasion because you’re tired, but the rest of what you say is more concerning. I don’t think a relationship where you dislike his friends in general is likely to work. Someone’s friends tell you a lot about who they are.

YABU to never go. Sometimes being in a relationship means doing a couple of things you might not 100% be ecstatic about. Compromise.

Isn’t that what relationships are about though? Compromise and occasionally putting yourself out to make things more enjoyable for the person you love?

I do get it. A couple of DH’s friends bore the socks off me. But I stick a smile on my face and pretend to be absolutely fascinated by their ingrown toenail and what their boss thinks about the office photocopier. DH knows I’m totally faking interest and buys me chocolate on the way home to say thank you, while all of his friends tell him what a good listener I am. Obviously all of my friends are fabulous company, but he’ll come and do something with me if I want him to. Last December I had him weaving willow for a door wreath. Did he want to do it? A big, fat, absolutely not. But he did it because I wanted him to come with me.

I have nothing in common with his friends or their partners. That’s absolutely fine. I have been to their partied before and entertained them here and chat pleasant chitchat.

AIBU to not want to socialise with his friends? Dp always invites himself to things with my friends but I’m quite happy to have separate social lives

OP is already compromising, she sometimes goes to their events and she lets him invite himself to her friends events - which personally I don’t think she should. Why can’t he compromise by accepting she’s not feeling great and would rather skip this one?

@redrabagge are your other friends bringing their partners to these social events he’s inviting himself to, or is he that random annoying male partner who attends every ladies night…

It really depends how often he asks you to join in? My DH and I have a similar setup re having our own separate friends, but occasionally something comes up where we ask the other to join. It's infrequent, so we always oblige, as I think occasionally putting yourself out or putting what your partner first, is a nice thing to do and part of the give and take of relationships.

We would give each other notice generally though, knowing the other likely wasn't keen on going. Just to get used to the idea!

Hmm. I don't always want to socialise with DH's friends either, and sometimes I don't, but I think it's important to make a bit of an effort sometimes. Presumably these people are important to him?

If he's alleging he can't go alone to his own friends' BBQ, then he's massively unreasonable.
Why on earth not?
Just say sorry, I don't fancy it. But of course he should go. Just get a taxi? If he refuses then that's up to him but very childish to try and manipulate you in that manner. Unless he doesn't actually want to go himself? Then just go to the cinema like you said. But don't accept him sulking or bend to going when you don't want to.
Stand your ground. You don't have to go to eachothers' friends parties all the time.

She does make an effort - she says she's hosted them and attended other events.

Yes, she has done in the past but her OP implies that she doesn't want to bother any more. Personally, I think there's a happy medium to be found.

Jobs wise, interests, backgrounds, are completely opposite. I’m sure they find me boring too.
What all of them? What is about your Dp you like then as I'd imagine he's similar to them?
And re the background is this general or reverse snobbery?

I don't see where she implies that at all.

She's just tired and stressed and doesn't want to attend a BBQ today.

Same. I didn’t read her post like that. I see it as she has made an effort in the past but on this specific occasion she’s not feeling great. That’s not to say she’s washing her hands off their events forever more.

And she didn’t say to her partner she won’t be going to his friends events ever again , she just said she isn’t feeling great. He should accept that and at the very least go and don’t make her feel bad about it.

Honestly some people would be asking their partner to even cancel their plans too rather than leaving them for hours so they can attend a friends bbq when their partner is not feeling great .

OP isn’t even demanding anything like this , she’s just saying she would rather sit this one out but it doesn’t sound like she’s expressed any issue with him going . Very reasonable compromise.

I think Op needs stronger boundaries though , if she wants separate social lives make it clear to him she’ll occasionally attend his friend event and he can on occasion attend her friends event when she invites him, but that she doesn’t want to be one of those couples who go everywhere together.