To reconsider holiday with friend over their eating...

[needaholiday86]

This is a hard one...my best friend, let's call her Kelly, and I have holidayed together most years for many years. She has always been a slim lady at a size 8/10, but has had a desire to be really thin for some time. We are due to go on holiday soon together.

I should mention, I used to have an eating disorder and have been recovered for many years. Recently, Kelly fraudulently obtained ozempic (will not go into details of how) and has been abusing the drug, is now incredibly thin and I think verging on anorexic with behaviours...she constantly talks about how thin she is and how she cannot manage to eat any food, almost with pride.

I am worried this holiday is going to be centred around this topic and that eating out which used to be a big thing for us, will be miserable, and actually quite triggering for me.

How do I go about discussing this?

Does she know about your history? If so I would be open with her about how your both worried about her and worried that being away together will impact on your recovery and maybe suggest some days out together instead where food isn’t an issue

I expect Kelly fraudulently obtained ozempic the way every other idiot does - by lying about her weight on the order form. It's not a great secret.

If ihad a history of disordered eating and was now thankfully recovered and able to enjoy food again, I would NOT go on holiday with another person with a florid eating disorder. Apart from anything else, she sounds really boring,and who wants to holiday with a boring person?

It is absolutely not worth losing your hard-earned recovery for a holiday. Does she know about your eating disorder?

Because if she does, she's really not being a friend talking to you about all this.

I wouldn't be going on holiday with her either. She has an eating disorder and that isn't going to do your own mental health any good.

I think you just have to be honest. That you will never be "free" of your previous problems, that you have to be very careful around eating regularly and that your lifestyles are not compatible.

Even without your history of ED I would really struggle with this. Part of being on holiday is enjoying great meals with the people I am with. This would become very weird with someone at the table not eating/constantly going on how about their weight/what they consume. I can’t see how that situation could be avoided so I would be explaining or finding an excuse, but definitely not going away with her.

Just be honest. Tell her about your past and how her behaviour is concerning both for her health and is triggering for you.
She probably wont take it on board if she isnt ready to address her issue but you dont need to put yourself in that situation

Just tell her in simple terms that it's triggering you and you don't want her to mention weight at all.

No, YANBU at all.
I’m slim and healthy but I want to enjoy tasty food guilt free whilst on holiday. Going out for meals, drinks, and ice cream/treats is a huge part of a holiday so anyone who wouldn’t want to join in with that and especially someone who actively made me feel bad about doing so is defending not someone I would want to holiday with.
And that’s all without a history of an eating disorder. But you can use that as an excuse to get out of the holiday and to address her developing issues. She probably won’t listen yet but at least you’ll get your worries about her health out there, and get out of your holiday with her.

Wouldn't a holiday with her put you at risk of relapsing into your own eating disorder?

I don't think you should put her feelings before your own well being and holiday enjoyment.

I would tell her that her current dieting could be a trigger for you and you can't go on holiday with her.

Whether you raise the possibility of her own behaviour indicating an eating disorder depends on how concerned you are for her immediate health and whether you would prefer not to alienate so you can support her if/when she realises it for herself.

In an ideal world yes - but I would bet that the friend would feign disbelief and say that she doesn't EVER talk about her weight and what she is eating!!! People who have that level of disordered eating just don't realise they're doing it.

I think if it's already affecting your thoughts it might be best to skip this year. The last thing someone with a history of eating disorders needs is a holiday like this. You need to make sure your well being is protected, maybe be honest with her that your worried about her and that you can't have a holiday like this x

I did this with a friend once and she would constantly talk about how much she wasn't eating during every meal and sometimes she wouldn't want to have dinner even though we would spent all day walking around etc. Never again.

I thought this. An open and honest chat is obviously healthy to clear the air, but if she does indeed have an eating disorder then no amount of you talking or you being sympathetic is going to stop her obsessing. Put yourself first in this one.

There is no upside to this holiday, you said it yourself, you'll both be miserable and its already triggering you. As hard as it is, I think you need to distance yourself from this friend to protect your own bubble

Do not let her affect you- avoid the holiday, it isn't fun being around someone who is very actively struggling with food anyway, I holiday with family like that and it's very stressful and upsetting. Perhaps plan a nice day event, night out, perhaps one night away somewhere, but not a whole holiday of her banging on about weight (not that it is her fault, she has a mental illness but it's fine to recognise that's tiring and potentially stressful for you).

The other issue is that she doesn't seem to have insight into her behaviour so it's not like she will respond well to your request to moderate her talk/behaviour. It's like a recovering alcoholic going on holiday with a big drinker- I would cancel the holiday even though this might cause upset, it's better than you relapsing.

She was already thin and then went on opezemic. You have realised what she is like now. You had an eating disorder in the past.
You been working towards getting yourself to a good place with your physical and mental health after having an eating disorder.
I would tell her that unfortunately you won't be going away with her because you know she is using opezmic despite being already thin and you can see she has issues with food.
She might not be happy to hear this and tell you she fine ect.
I would not put your physical and mental health at risk by going away with her.
To me a holiday is something to look forward to and when you're away like most of us you like nice meals, a few drinks and ice creams.

I definitely wouldn’t, I love to eat out when on holiday, trying new foods and having extra treats I wouldn’t normally eat day to day is one of my favourite parts of being away. I went on holiday with a friend a few years ago who made constant comments when we ate out about the food, ‘Oh I can’t believe you’re getting an ice cream again today when we had one yesterday,’ ‘How on earth will you manage a pudding after that meal I’m stuffed and couldn’t possibly.’ ‘I need a detox day I can’t have another day eating meat how can you eat like this.’ It was constant and really ruined things for me, I don’t care what anyone else eats and wasn’t pressuring her to eat anything I ate or join me in how many courses she ate etc but she just couldn’t help but making constant digs. She’s not like this day-to-day so no way would I go on holiday with someone who is already a food/ diet bore.