To stop attending family meals

[Rscee]

I am in my 40s, single with no DC. Have one sister who is married with DC. Until My DM passed away a few years ago we always had Christmas, easter, family birthdays etc at my DPs. Now my DSis always hosts and invites my DF and myself. Sometimes a random cousin or partner of one of my DN is also included but it is still always a pretty small group. For a variety of reasons (mostly to do with my BIL and the food served but also just not wanting to bother) I would prefer to stop attending any holiday meals.

AIBU to stop attending family events if I can maintain relationships with my DSis, DNs and DF one on one or in smaller groups?

Just be honest and say you don't wish to attend and want to get used to doing your own holiday things. Don't force yourself to go if its not what you want

Do what you want. It's your choice, but your choices will likely have consequences, and they may be negative. If that's acceptable to you, carry on.

Of course you can.

You’ll be less close to your family as a result, but it might be worth it.

I think you will lose something if you do that, you will be self excluding from an opportunity to spend time with your family. Are you anticipating that your DSis will make additional time to see you or are you happy with what you have now but minus the family get togethers?

Aqua what do you think the consequences are likely to be? And why negative?

What's the food they serve? Do you and DF bring dishes/contribute?

They will likely be upset and it may colour your relationship. Sometimes it's worth doing thing we don't enjoy much for the wider benefit - having family times of celebration together.

You choosing not to spend the holidays with your family members may cause a lot of hurt feelings. Your family may decide that if you can't be bothered to make an effort, they won't either.

I was you OP for a number of years. Single no kids and was always invited and included in family occasions which was great.

I am now older, the niblings have all grown up with kids of their own, my parents are gone and I felt a bit like a spare bed at the Christmas gathering. TBH the noise of the kids and the (forced) fun did my head in every year despite us being a close family with no issues at all.

I have a partner but we don't live together (works brilliantly BTW), and he has no kids either and was always invited to Christmas (and other) family gatherings too. His family live a few hundred miles away from us now.

Last year we decided to go abroad for Christmas. Told family we were going to try it out and see if it worked for us. No one had a problem with it at all. Off we went. I can tell you now that as long as I am mobile I will never spend the Christmas season at home again. It was so liberating not having to join in with "family" stuff when I don't have kids of my own.

I'd advise you to say it and reassure your family that it's nothing to do with them, it's just you wanting a different Christmas this year. Then rinse and repeat. I don't think I'd refuse to attend EVERY family event though. But maybe there's more to the story than you are telling us.

Anyway, you are an adult and can make your own choices. Be selective about what you will and won't attend. Be yourself and be happy.

Do it!

-For a variety of reasons (mostly to do with my BIL and the food served but also just not wanting to bother

Well, it depends on what reason you give, surely?

If you say, I can’t come to Christmas/Easter at yours as I’m away with my boyfriend, that’s one thing.

If you say, I’m not coming at Christmas/Easter because your food’s shit/BIL is an arsehole and I just can’t be arsed, then you might get different responses.

Removing yourself from family holiday gatherings is going to cause hurt feelings and a degree of separation. I would at least try to adjust things to be more palatable before giving up. Could you offer to take a turn hosting sometimes?

we had family that wasn’t willing to compromise at all and the way they wanted to do certain gatherings was beyond a minor inconvenience for us. So we did eventually just have to bow out. We offered an alternative on another day and a subset attend both. It’s far from ideal.

I can't host as I live in a tiny flat, and there is A LOT I am leaving out, I was more wondering how it would look to others who don't know the full story. Going abroad every year for Christmas would be wonderful. If only!