Friends who don't keep in touch often - where do you stand?

[VioletW]

I have two close friends who I now barely hear from

Friend one - moved continents six years ago but always kept in touch and went on holidays until just over a year ago. Known her ten years.

Friend two - a platonic male friend of twenty years who lives in another country. I visit once a year but he hardly ever reciprocates. He hasn't replied in four months.

In the last year, I've lost a friend to cancer, changed jobs and started a new relationship. And have supposed good friends who know nothing about it.

I hadn't heard from friend one in a year when she reappeared at Christmas wanting to meet. We met for one evening and I haven't heard from her since and it makes me sad.

YABU - good friends are good friends - doesn't matter how much time passes

YANBU - good friends should keep in touch more often

It's friend two's birthday today and I haven't been in touch because I feel like he doesn't want to speak to me.

I feel like I'm being ghosted and that it's pointless to stop it. But I'm sad because this same friend said he thought friendships were worth keeping up (in response to him being ghosted by a long time friend!)

I drop them. I can’t be bothered, if they can’t. I now have very few friends. 😂 But those I have are fantastic.

Op it's tough isn't it. On one hand you think of them as forever friends but on the other they don't know much about your day to day life and life far away from you, I have the same. And it feels strange to call them somehow, even though you know each other so well. The longer I live the more I think friendship is all about being in close proximity with people.. and because circumstances are always changing, people will come and go throughout your life with those near at any one time becoming your friends. I think if you frame it that way and focus on creating friendships with people you see regularly, while keeping up with your long-term friends once or twice a year, you are doing well. x

My relative has the same attitude as you @EVHead

When I told him about friend one wanting a Christmas night out after no contact for a year he said 'no chance, i'd just cut them out'. I couldn't decide if it was fair or severe!

But I agree with @EVHead as well! If there's only one person making the effort it isn't worth bothering with.

This is it @Tricornianana

I have local friends I like very much and go on hikes, shows with etc. But somehow these friendships don't feel as close as those friends I made in my teens and early twenties. Not sure if others feel this way?

I agree with what you say about those once or twice a year friends - but my pride is a bit wounded. They've only become every so often friends because these friends have chosen to stop staying in touch and I have to accept the new terms as such

I'm terrible at keeping in touch. I've spent the last 2 years abroad and have only really kept contact with one person (and the heavy lifting is always on her end.) It sounds horrible, but I honestly don't think about it when I don't see people. I still love my friends and consider some of them close, but I suppose I'm a bit "out of sight, out of mind." I haven't contacted my family much either. I am a terrible texter though, I hate communicating that way. I only really enjoy communicating in person, so that is part of it.

I do still think you should drop them though. I can understand that it's hurtful, and you shouldn't be the one making all the effort.

Proximity can be a huge driver of friendship and sometimes people don’t have the bandwidth to sustain longer distance friendships.

I don’t make much effort with people who don’t make it for me, but I’ve no ill will about it either. I’d be happy to reciprocate after years of silence too. It is what it is.

But that’s a position that evolved from being hurt by unmet expectations. When there’s a mismatch h between what someone says and what someone does, believe what they do every time.

I don't think you need to decide yes/no right now. Surely you can just pop in and out as they do with you? I don't think you need to make an announcement just accept it isn't as close as it was but you still like them.

Yes I definitely feel that way. That the 'old friends' are the ones who know us the best and that it would be very hard to let them go altogether. I don't think you need to but I think you do have to accept that they maybe don't value the friendship now the way you do or that they know you always will be there so don't have to try too hard, or something. But friendships ebb and flow, so it is best not to do anything rash if you don't need to, just leave it a while and let them miss you.

Yes hard to find deep friendship a bit older, for sure in my experience! But that brings freedoms as well. And resilience and makes us tougher I guess. But I'd much rather have the friendships tbh!

I have a friend who moved away a number of years ago. We are not very good at keeping in contact. We might have a day where we message lots, but then nothing for months.
But when we meet up, about once a year, it's like we've never been apart. It's a good friendship, and we both value it.

Yep, this.

I also found I was particularly sentimental about old school friends, but then realised that they just wanted to pick me up and put me down to play the "friend of old" routine and that was always entirely on their terms not mine.

Tiresome and not friendship.

I have a few friends I'm not in contact with that often, but I consider my best friends. We all seem to accept that we've got other stuff going on, but when we meet up, they are my oldest and best friends. To be honest, I don't have any friends I talk to all the time. It's here and there with different friends.

I’d let the communication slide but try and think of them with fondness and affection. Funnily enough I was just thinking about this as I’ve a friend who went abroad 7 years ago and until this year we were in regular contact but she appears to be dropping me at the moment - so I’ve decided to not feel bitter and let her go. I’ll be happy to see or hear from her or whatever, but I am not chasing her!

I am still friends with my school friends. We are in our 50s now. Met aged 11. The 4 of us forged a friendship very quickly. One of the 4 and I both returned after uni to our home city. We see each other most weeks and message most days.

One lives a 2 hour drive away. We meet 4 times a year and message once every couple of weeks.

The other lives 6 hours away by car. We see each other not more than once a year (though make a real effort not to let it go monger). We face time every 2 or 3 months.

We have all been friends for over 40 years now. I still feel as much emotional connection to the friend I see less often. When we meet it’s honestly like we have never been apart.

If I went so long without seeing newer friends I think the bond would be more likely to be broken.

You are not wrong to feel as you feel but personally I’d keep the friendships alive if you can.

I think if you like them, don't stop keeping in touch. People are different. I still love my old friends the most, yet feel I can see them once a year and still have that bond, whereas I know one of our group feels hurt if people don't make the effort to meet more regularly. I would also say I am a real introvert and don't meet anyone that often, whereas other friends are seeing people every week so might wonder why I haven't bothered. I usually feel I need the weekend to recover from a week at work and just see family.
You are doing all the travelling though, which might start to annoy me.

Yes with friend two @ColouringPencils I've been doing all the travelling for years. He kept saying I'll come to you next time but never happened.

Previously he complained of losing friends because they won't visit him. He lives in a famous city and thinks where they live isn't as interesting so they should visit him!

At least friend one comes to me when she's here.

I've got friends, old and I would call very close that regularly we can go a year or more without contact. We are all in our 60s though so not as sociable as when we were clubbing in our twenties

I have my best friend through all my school years, who I only keep in touch with on messenger about 3 times a year both our birthdays and Xmas. Every couple of years we meet up when we both go back to our home town at the same time and it's as if we never parted. The closeness has never gone. I've got local friends I see far more often but never feel as close to.

I wouldn't say you're being unreasonable so I haven't voted, but I personally can't manage high maintenance friends as I need a lot of space and alone time. I think it's more about compatibility in the friendship, and managing expectations.

I'm not sure if you are being unreasonable, it depends on what you need from friendship.

I've got two female best friends, and honestly we rarely speak. When we do it's like no time has passed at all, and if I needed anything they would absolutely be there - the same in reverse too.

But between busy jobs, kids, partners, remainder of our respective lives - it just doesn't fit. I'd love to have more time to check in with or see people, but the fact is I don't.

I've honestly just always assumed it was the norm in adult friendships. I don't think they no longer care, and assume they don't think that either.

They don't live in the same country as you. They get in touch when they are back. Its an adult relationship not a school one