To not always want to chit-chat with colleague?

[Lesleyknopeswaffleiron]

Bit of a sense-check required here.

I am a line manager in an organisation where we mostly work remotely. Our offices aren’t in big cities and so aren’t always super easy to get to.

I have a fairly senior job with a big to-do list. I’m accountable for some important stuff being delivered on a tight deadline. My team is mostly great, but one of my team members is really really super chatty. Like, way chattier than normal. She’s good at her job, though not always that efficient as she likes to socialise and chat. I mean, I can chat too, love a bit of chit-chat, but this is bloody constant. I’ve had to work so hard to keep her to time in meetings. She’s never worked remotely (except during Covid) and I think she’s lonely, so I’ve done everything I can to encourage interaction: arranging away days, arranging ‘social’ lunch dates online, encouraging her to go to the office etc. I always start proper meetings with a check-in so she has time to chat and feel connected.

But I also have a busy job and I’m trying really hard to set better boundaries so there isn’t as much bleed into my personal life. I have reached the conclusion that work is just work, and so I want to get it done and finish on time so that I can enjoy my time with my family.

But even short calls where we need to make a decision or be efficient - so not ‘meetings’ - always seem to take ages because she’s chatting at the beginning.

Yesterday I shut her down and thought I made it clear I didn’t want to chat, and she kept trying to talk about stuff other than work. I had to work through my lunch break to have the call, because she wasn’t free any other time, and I just wanted to get off the phone so I could have my sandwich in peace.

I feel like I am bending over backwards to make her feel included, to be warm and to ensure she’s not lonely.

But she looks hurt and upset when I try to move things along. It makes me feel like a hard-nosed cow.

Am I being unreasonable here?

YABU - she just wants to chat and life is short
YANBU - she doesn’t understand boundaries and it’s fine not to chit-chat in every conversation

You're unreasonable because you're not being firmer. She needs to pack it in and it's not your responsibility if her feelings get hurt because you won't allow her to chew your ear off.

It's tricky but I think there are some things you can do. At the start of a call, open it up by saying look, I haven't got long but need to just check x with you. At the start of the meeting, we've got loads to cover so we'll have to keep our focus. You can use that to keep bringing her back to point if it starts wandering, because you've already set the expectations.

Book in a 5/10 min catch up once a week or every couple of days where there's no work to cover, it's just a how are you check-in. That might give the social release while not cutting into the work stuff.

Maybe also ask her about it? How is she finding the remote work, would she feel more comfortable in the office more (if that's an option).

@Aquamarine1029 yeah. I know. I thought someone might say that. I think I have a real problem in line management caring too much about what people think of me. It’s been a theme and I’m trying to improve it. Any tips?

@CaptainBarnacleButt thank you. I do try to do that foregrounding at the beginning of the conversation and it does really help, though I still have to constantly bring her back. Yesterday, though, I’d sent a message to the team about an hour beforehand about all my deadlines for the day and made it really clear that I was under pressure, and while I get that she can’t read minds, I’d also expect her to pick that up from cues. She’s mid-40s, and has worked in fairly senior roles. I always feel like somehow I’m rushing her and I can’t get her to do it by herself. And once a month I check in with her - I encourage her to drive to one of our offices, or even go to a WeWork/coffee shop to work but she never does it

It sounds like you're putting a lot of effort into trying to contain and manage her disruption which is great when it works but it's not happening here. You need to move onto the next step which is being direct. It's time for a chat along the lines of "I'm noticing this, it's having this impact, and what we need is this". And then holding her accountable. You can absolutely highlight the times when social connection is encouraged and is appropriate but she needs to know the boundaries.

I get you, it's difficult when you're working remotely. People need interaction and there's absolutely space for work to have a social element when it's within limits and the work is being done but some people don't know where those boundaries are.

@Aquamarine1029 yeah. I know. I thought someone might say that. I think I have a real problem in line management caring too much about what people think of me. It’s been a theme and I’m trying to improve it. Any tips?

You need to fully embrace the mindset that you can't control what other people think about you, and as long as you're being polite and professional, how someone feels about you really isn't your problem. You have a job to do, and so does she. If she can't rein in her own chatty behaviour, you have no choice but to get her back on track.

thanks @Aquamarine1029. I need to do better. I think I’ve just internalised the need to be liked for so long, and I’m not good with people thinking that I’m not friendly or warm (I am! I just have a job to do and I want to do it in the hours available instead of having to work late because she keeps talking).

I will woman up

You're not the problem tho, she is.

thanks for all your messages on this - I appreciate the advice. I’ll be much stronger this week, and will be clearer with my colleague.

I think I have a real problem in line management caring too much about what people think of me. It’s been a theme and I’m trying to improve it. Any tips?

it is difficult and I will admit I have the same problem but I just keep telling myself that as long as I know I am not actually being horrible to people and I know I am trying my best it doesn’t matter what they think of me. I have recently had to deliver some harsh messages and really struggled.

what I found was, that as long as I was clear and stuck to my word it was ok.

In this kind of situation I would open the call with an honest “I am really busy and have a deadline to meet so I haven’t got time to chat now, we need to get to business straight away” don’t apologise, just present it as a clear fact.

The other thing to remind yourself of is that work isn’t our social life. Yes we have to be sociable & polite and sometimes a bit of chat is nice but that is not the main point of being there. We may make friends at work but most of the people are colleagues and if a grown woman feels a bit put that you don’t want to chat as much as she does while you are supposed to be working that is on her & not you.

Yeah it’s so tricky. I had another issue today, and my confidence is so low. She makes me question myself: if I’m not super best mates with her, or if I try to shut her down, she gets all hurt and suggests that ‘something is wrong with me’.

I just don’t want to spend my working day worrying about how to get her off the phone

That would drive me crazy!
I think you need to control your meetings much more. After a quick ‘hi hope you’re ok’ then I would be straight down to business.
Do other meetings say 15 minutes once a week to just do the chit chat she craves. Explain how busy you are and that you just can’t do that every time you need to touch base

I’ve had that co worker. Always the one you don’t want to chat with.

I used the next meeting line. I have a meeting in 30 mins. Let’s get to it. Then oh I have to go, please send me an email with what wasn’t covered. Like literally book your lunch as a meeting.