Not knowing is making me abit crazy

[Dontknowdontknownotsure]

Long story short: both my parents and my sister (my only sibling) have always treated me in a way that to me feels rude, entitled, obnoxious etc.
I can’t tell - and endlessly torture myself about this - if they are genuinely on the spectrum and so have personality issues that I need to understand and allow for; or if they are just arsed and I’ve always been their ‘punchbag’?

i have tried 2 therapists now but it’s not helping enough. I’m triggered and tearful when they unleash at me.

This AM mirrors a repeated dynamic with my sister: asks me to send her a file to help her with a job interview. Asked me in a voicenote but I hadn’t heard it busy at work; so she then texts the request. I immediately reply that yes I will help. When I do go to sit down and send it; I don’t know her current personal email address as for two years we have been corresponding on her work address which I cannot use for this.. so I ask the address. Her replies get shorter… I send the file and say ‘check it’s there’ , she only replies with ‘goodnight’ (it was 2pm).

i found this really odd as she didn’t say ‘got it, great! Thanks’.. no thank you and no confirm it was there. The next day I said I found that abit passive aggressive and she replied (rudely) that she - her words- had to ‘beg me’ to help her and then I ‘made it difficult for her, asking her email address etc’ and she gave up on me (??)
😑

I just don’t understand. Are my family ND and totally unable to communicate and have empathy, or do I need to declare them as toxic and distance myself.

i have debated for years as i feel it would be mean of me to hold ND against them, yet I can’t cope with the being spoken down to and always being in the wrong endlessly

I’ve even gifted my parents a holiday before and they berated me for choosing a bad week and refused to go- I lost my flights money (it wasn’t a bad week, no events or clashes)

#bewildered

I should add that ND has not been mentioned by or discussed with; perhaps wrong of me to assume or suspect this may be at play

My family used to be the same. I set firm boundaries with my siblings and now they’re far more polite if they need my help - probably bitching about me behind my back still though.

It was always the entitlement that got me. Sure I’ll babysit/give you money/help you with your CV ~ just don’t expect it and treat people like dirt whilst they’re helping you. You’d not get anywhere in the world if this was your mindset outside of family.

I’ve even gifted my parents a holiday before and they berated me for choosing a bad week and refused to go- I lost my flights money (it wasn’t a bad week, no events or clashes)

Did you book the dates without checking with them? Trying the gauge the extent of their rudeness!

I don’t see what was “passive aggressive” about your sister’s messages re the file. Just rude, is all. I would have replied, “you could say thank you?” and the resolved (and meant) to not bother helping again.

I would say they should not be treating you badly, whether or not they have issues. In every situation, you have the right to set boundaries about the way they treat you. They will almost certainly not like that, especially if they are used to playing on your good temper and goodwill. So you may have to have a bit of a conflict in order to re establish a healthy boundary. Do you have a partner or good friends around who can support you in that?

@Testina To keep it a surprise, yes- I did choose the dates - however: I should say that both my parents are retired with little commitments. It was a 3 night break (not a week commitment) they have no pets to consider and they don’t keep a busy or social diary.. they rarely have plans outside of a fortnightly coffee.

it was honestly ‘the weather’, they said, that made them discard my offering. They said that a booking end of Feb was not as preferable to them as a summer holiday.

as it turned out- said destination was unseasonably warm and had 17 degrees in the end on their dates and turned out far nicer than UK that weekend!
Once I stated the museums/ galleries etc that made me choose the city, tailored to their interests, they agreed it was a suitable destination and then booked their own trip 6 weeks later. (??)
i got my feelings hurt, lost flight money and they did it anyway the following month.

this seems like total madness to me but sometimes I wonder if I’m being too sensitive or I’m wanting validation from people whereas I should let them do their own thing and choose their own travel and it was my mistake

Could they be ND and genuinely just controlled by weather stats. Do they really not know they were rude and ungrateful?!
i have no idea anymore

Thank you for replies; is good to know it’s not just me as I honestly internalise and question myself/my body language/ my behaviour/my actions as being a factor that must irritate my family, or generally communicate to people that I’m fair game as a doormat

trying to work out why is the path to madness…

it IS them, not you.
go LC and stop giving this headspace.

@TemuSpecialBuy thank you! I have sure been stuck on that path.. going to remind myself of this, thanks