Final straw at work

[curiouslycoy]

Once you reach a certain level at work, no matter which dept you're in, they think it's valuable in small groups to go thorough an exercise where we all share defining moments in life, a mixture of positive and negative which is designed to understand more about the team we work with and their drivers.

This was not good news for me. I was worried about it for a week, the reason is I had a troubled upbringing. I don't mind people knowing but because it involves an alcoholic parent and the neglect and destruction that comes with it, I was nervous to paint the picture. I felt I had to give a good few examples of what life was like because over the years I've learned people say they had alcoholic parents but then I find out those same people work and are 'functioning'.

It wasn't all doom and gloom, my life drastically turned around for the better and I've really made something of myself as a career woman, with a tonne of drive, a son and another on the way, I'm healthy.. the list goes on.

After everyone else finished theirs there were questions and feedback, when I finished mine I was met with a stunned wall of silence. I didn't get a message from my manager and when I sent an IM to HR who sat in the session to say I need to make my pregnancy official, what does she need, she didn't mention the session we had literally just had. Yet when we came into the session she said that first set of stories she heard the week before had stuck with her and called out one person particularly.

Today I had a 1:1 with my manger, 48 hours on form the session and not only did he not mention it but he also was a bit subdued and not himself. Usually he's on the whole happy to speak to me.

There's also a late call one evening each week which I usually don't make due to it clashing with my son's bedtime but tonight I thought I could make it so had accepted the invite. Just as the call was starting my manager asked if I was joining. This has never happened and he's never spoken about it, the call is recorded and it's literally right over bedtime.

I had to leave the call as my son had a nasty injury 9 days ago and I've been in/out GP and hospital appointments since, all has been ok but nursery are worried his balance is still bad and he keeps falling so my husband took him to the hospital this afternoon. I got messages as said work call was starting to say they were going to CT scan our son after more than a week of telling us how awful that would be, and then three the radiation causes increased cancer risk. My husband said he needed me and of course I desperately needed and wanted to be there.

I messaged my manager on IM to say what had happened and he just ignored my message and gave a thumbs up to me saying I would watch the recording.

I can't help but notice a shift since I did the session. I'm annoyed they say it's a safe space and to 'trust the process' then I share only facts about my upbringing but try to be positive as I talk through my life timeline and then I'm riddled with anxiety that I've done the wrong thing.

As for not replying to me, I'm livid. Still waiting for scan. Worried sick and just thinking how much I don't need the extra stress.

Sorry, you work in a job which has calls over children's bed times? Unless you earn £250k plus a year you need to walk away from this company.

Your upbringing has nothing to do with the wierd...I worked for an insurance company which meant I was personally responsible for £100million plus but apart from one manager who cared too much and everyone accepted his level of batshitness, my boss would have personally thrown me out of the office for even thinking it was ok not to put kids to bed...she was 5ft2 and about 8 stone, I'm 6 '2" and 16 stone (still scared of her mind)
Run, that ain't normal. Get away. Earn less, have a life.

Why are you required to share details about your upbringing? This is not something I’ve ever heard about. Surely it’s none of their business?

Yeah why would you need to share all that at work. It’s nothing to be ashamed of but I wouldn’t want to offload all that to my colleagues who are not my friends

It sounds like you've been more vulnerable than has felt comfortable and you shouldn't have been pushed to share such personal information.

It's possible everything since is unrelated but I understand why you might feel the way you do.

I agree that I would consider whether your future is with this business as it all sounds a bit odd and suffocating.

What type of job do you do?

I'm astounded that your workplace think it is in any way appropriate to require you to share personal details about your life with colleagues in a kind of enforced therapy sessions.

I keep my private life private at work, I would absolutely refuse to share anything beyond surface level detail in an activity like this.

Your mistake was being open & truthful- I just make up some shit for that kind of thing.

Work is work and my private life is just that.
I'll chat about general stuff but no specifics & nothing about my feelings or state of mind. They're my colleagues not my friends & I don't want them knowing about my private life.

I'm so sorry

You should never have been asked to share this stuff. It's unethical.

They shouldn’t have pushed you to share that, especially as they’re clearly not qualified or experienced enough to deal with the aftermath and how it’s left you feeling.

You don’t owe anyone else your story, so you can decide in future how much or how little you share and what you want the narrative to be. It doesn’t have to be your full truth.

As for what to do now, you can’t put the genie back in the bottle but you could address it directly if it would help you. For example you could say that you were told
to trust the process and were led to believe it was a safe, trusted space and you made yourself vulnerable in good faith. They’re doing you a disservice by allowing it to change the way they treat you, you’re the same person you were before you shared that, it’s your own past not theirs and you need them to come to terms with that and see you where you are now. Or whatever it is you want to say to make this better for yourself.

What kind of company is this? I work in a FTSE100 business and requiring employees to share personal information from their past and attend calls in the evening sounds completely illegal. I'd give ACAS a call. First thing tomorrow.

How bizarre

Well I don't work with you but I wanted you to know I hear you. Terrible of them not to at least acknowledge what you have shared. A tick box exercise which they have shown themselves too ill equipped to deal with.

They obviously realized what a mistake they made by asking people to share & were not expecting what is very personal to you.

I hope they've learned a lesson.

I agree with others, it was unethical to encourage personal information to be shared. Sounds like potentially harmful pseudo science. What do people's careers have to do with their childhood anyway.
I don't really get the rest, what were you expecting from your boss? He's obviously not equipped to deal with this kind of thing but hasn't necessarily done anything wrong - probably just doesn't know what to say.
Also he was probably busy on the call and so couldn't write a long reply...
I think it was a misjudgement on your part to share things like this at work. Surely you can think of a superficial "defining moment" to do with a challenge in your first job or something...

I’ve done stuff like this before at work, never been honest! Always made up something that fits the bill. Something vanilla and non offensive. It’s a bullshit exercise.

Were the other stories like yours or did you get the feeling yours was quite deep in comparison? I’m just wondering if yours stood out.

I worked for a company, a FTSE100, that just loved to analyse us under the pretence of team building.

Rule 1: its never a safe space
Rule 2: over sharing makes people uncomfortable

I had a difficult upbringing too due to DV and other issues so I know how difficult it is when you’re asked to talk about your childhood.

People often don’t know what to say when you share something so deeply personal and avoid responding out of fear they’ll say the wrong thing. They’ll relax and forget about it soon enough. Things will go back to normal.

I’m sorry you’re having such a shitty week. I’m sorry you felt obliged to share personal information with colleagues. I really hope your son is okay, your pregnancy goes well and your work environment gets back to normal.

Sorry you're having such a rough week, I would hope that this shift won't be permanent, they probably just don't know what to say. It serves them right to be honest. Whilst they were wrong to ask, I think you should be proud you were able to share your story, why should it be a dirty secret?
Your work-life balance doesn't sound great to me but that's your business.

Sounds like you overshared and this was awkward for the others. What were the others sharing just odd things that have happened in their lives like getting married, passing driving tests? I don’t imagine anyone’s childhood traumas are up for discussion in a workplace meeting that would be completely inappropriate. If this is normal in a workplace I’d be inclined to exit rather sharply. Sounds more like a cult.

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Others shared really personal things like poverty and not having a bed until they were 21, parents dying, parent dropping them at school and not returning, infertility, being laid off, daughter wanting to kill themselves, someone was in/out eating disorder facilities in their teens.

It's worth mentioning this is a very international team. They're all over the world.

The late call is once per week and I don't do bedtime 7 nights a week, so my husband can sub me here. It's for 40 people from all over the world in leadership and it's a small ask compared to what others do. Someone in china is on a call once a week until 11.30pm and people on west coast are on 6am calls at least once a week, just so we can all meet.

I actually do earn a lot, around £200k, maybe more now, because I have basic salary and stock and bonus. It fluctuates but Its high. Was promoted start of year, just as I found out I'm pregnant so probably could make an effort to join that call once a week.

I feel better that you all understand where I'm coming from. I'm naturally a highly anxious person and have been having panic attacks and beating myself over it, a lot. The people who went before me were praised for being vulnerable and opening up. That was the aim.

Tbh I didn't want to 'over share' but got sucked into 'trusting the process' and let my guard down.

I feel like there is a stigma for people like me. People on the call had lost parents and grandparents they lived with and spoke about their grief, and had nice comments at the end. Yet if one parents has let you down your whole life, neglected you, even made your life hell at points, so you've gone NC then it's frowned upon. I had to give examples why I chose that and anyone who knows me, my school friends for example say I didn't do it quick enough. And yet I was met with a wall of silence. Naturally.

It's hit a nerve as I really have grieved for DM my whole life and slowly realised that I just don't get that relationship. It was all brought to the surface when I had DS almost 2 years ago, I don't get 'grandma' to DS nor the support. I had PND after birth, a DM would have been great then. These are things I missed out. I just couldn't gloss over my home life. It's made me who I am today. If I had my time again I would have said facts quickly and moved on and not given examples which shocked everyone I guess.

Whoever said earn less money and get out, that's exactly how I feel. Last straw was chasing me to be on the call without ever asking me why I don't usually join them, then ignoring me when I said I need to be with my family. Still in hospital. CT scan done and a crazy amount of radiation for my less than 2 year old so a tough decision but lesser of two evils. Waiting for results. Pregnancy going well, thanks everyone.

Ignore people who give opinions on going NC without having a long and detailed understanding of why. They don’t realise just how difficult it is and society has a really unhealthy expectation that children should forgive their parents almost anything. “You’ll miss them when they’re gone”. It’s a perpetuation of the abuse to force/shamed the abused to continue an abusive relationship.

I never share a damned thing. I just make something up.

Yes, I don't bring my whole self to work or whatever is the latest term for prying into employee's lives. Next time say you had a speech problem as a child and had a lot of speech therapy or that your grandmother dying was very traumatic - you don't need to mention she was 96 and very unpleasant. It is never a safe place and you don't need to share what has made you the person that you are. Nothing would make me revisit traumatic times in the workplace. Just be very brisk and business-like for the next little while and hopefully it will recede in people's minds and things will go back to normal. I hope your son is okay. Try not to do anything rash like quitting during a difficult time like this.