Attract... don't chase. To think this is nonsense ..?

[bettysbathrobe]

Or is there something to it?
This seems to be the latest buzz/ mantra among the single of us.

I am a 50 year old woman chatting for a while in line to a man of the same age .
Our exchanges are equal in quantity but I'm a chatterbox, he isn't but we still exchange messages a few times a day.

We can't meet for several reason for a few weeks .. distance, work, family commitments and that's ok. Im willing to wait a few weeks also.

I'm just wondering, because he isn't as chatty as me despite the efforts being equal, what would happen if I pulled it back a little? Is that game playing or do I accept that he is who he is and not as maybe outgoing or into messaging as him?

He seems v interested, nice, complimentary and looks forward to us meeting up as do I ? But he rarely asks me questions about my life ..

Yet , I do wonder what would happen if say I didn't bother to continue last nights chat by replying, for example.

Is it better to let them chase or sometimes do we need to put in a little more effort when they're not as chatty( rambling! ) as we are ?
I don't want it to die out either ....

Why not try it and find out..... Then if he doesn't reply, playfully give him a nudge. Something like.... Hey have you got zapped up, fallen off the earth..... Haven't heard from you in a while?

If a guy wants to continue the conversation with you, he will. If he doesn't, is it worth 'chasing' anyway? If he wants to see you, he'll make an effort to arrange it. If he doesn't, what good will come of forcing it and chasing him?

If he already doesn't ask you questions about yourself and you're putting in more effort than him, what do you think will magically change if you meet up in person or start a relationship? Nothing. He is showing you who he is right now. If you want a relationship where he's just not that into you, have at it. If you think you're worth more, keep looking.

If this is the kind of relationship you are looking for, then yes. Personally this sounds exhausting to me, I don’t want a partner I have to play games with and try and force them to chase me. Don’t you want someone who has a similar communication style? The beginning is supposed to be the fun least bit where you want to talk and see talk to each other all the time. If this is hard work now, it’s going to be harder down the line.

He seems v interested, nice, complimentary and looks forward to us meeting up as do I ? But he rarely asks me questions about my life ..

How does he seem interested in you if he's not asking questions about your life?

Some people are more interested in just being in a relationship than they are in the person they are trying to start a relationship with.

I agree with PP if you are already making more effort than him wrt conversation then it won't get any better.

"If he wanted to, he would".

Once I started going by that particular mantra, things got a lot better for me with dating.

No games or overanalysing necessary... waste of energy.

Experiment with not prolonging the chat and see how much he does. This is the first flush of excitement stage he should be all in asking questions. If he isn't you don't want him op. If this is the best of him he is showing you how lazy and selfish is he in reality.

I ventured into OLD after my divorce. Had been married for a long time and internet dating was a new thing when I met XH!
I think I seemed too keen early on and couldn’t pick up on who was dodgy to start with (think there were some catfish!). I did come to realise if I was messaging more or nearly always the one messaging first, they just weren’t that interested for whatever reason. Equally the over keen ones were 😬 One guy asked me on a second date about 2pm when we’d met that morning! As in ‘I’m in your area again, want to meet again this afternoon? Or tomorrow?’. I had plans anyway but…too keen! He seemed nice but it was never going to happen because I realised as soon as he started talking that he sounded like Timmy Mallet 🤣
When I met my OH, it was just…easy. In real life, I’m much chattier that him but as we were messaging before we first met, the engagement was mutual. I never felt like I was chasing him or him me, just happy to hear from each other. I remember thinking I’d be gutted if we didn’t click on meeting in person but fortunately it just transferred from messaging to real life.
I would be a bit wary if this guy isn’t asking you much about you and not contacting you first but only responding..I agree with Mightygoldbear I would wait to see if he contacts you. If it fizzles out, you have your answer.

Ok... so last evening I asked him after a few exchanges , if he did anything for the evening and that I'd been out doing an activity.. His response was that he had just watched some footie and that was nice for you ( my activity) so I didn't bother to respond . I felt it was a lazy response .
So at risk of being flamed here, I think I'll leave it today to see if he restarts conversation and see how things pan out.
I may need some guidance on this because like you pp, I am out of divorce happily and ready to dip my toe in again.
Considering it was ' my turn' is this a good idea ?

Yes, it was a very lazy and closed response so I definitely don't think you're obligated to respond to that.

It can be frustrating and tiring always being the one to carry the conversation. Sounds like he should be making more effort at this stage.

You've not met before? I think the issue is you can't meet for a few weeks, I think if a someone is interested they ask questions and be keen to get to know you, on the other hand I can understand why he wouldn't want to invest too heavily weeks before he meets you, I'd say give him a chance and see how you feel about meeting in a few weeks, either you'll forget who he is by then or you'll keep in contact, it takes two to be mutually interested so if you're always getting closed answers, it's not your fault.

I think that's probably fair. Or this guy is just a dull, unimaginative texter, which, especially in conjunction with 'footie', would not be for me.

But I am increasingly taken aback by weeks and weeks of texting before there's any possibility of a face to face meeting, so I wouldn't blame anyone for not wanting to invest too much before an actual date.

I do agree with the pp who said 'How is he manifesting interest if he doesn't show any interest in your life?', though.

I dont think it's game playing to mirror the investment someone else is making. If you find you are constantly making the effort to start conversations and not getting much back then thats a huge turn off, it indicates disinterest/apathy, and its not game playing to start making a bit less effort- its sensible. Relationships should be reciprocal and if it's one person making all the effort whilst the other sits back and doesnt reciprocate then that doesnt bode well for a future relationship.

When I like someone I make the effort - equally, a guy that likes you wont put himself in a position to lose you.

I would pull back a bit here and see what his reaction is. But dont make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.

I don't think it's game playing for you to pull back a little. You want things to be even between you, with the same level of interest coming from both sides. If you stop initiating texts and encouraging the conversation, it gives him a chance to step up, and if he doesn't then you have your answer.

Well it sounds like at least one of you isn't available to date anyway if the distance/family/work commitments don't allow for even a half-hour meet up to check the lay of the land.

I'd leave it totally until you are both free to meet up, otherwise you are only getting to know eachother's online persona with all this 'chatting'. You could find that he is just looking for a penpal as an ego stroke - this is VERY often the case in online dating.

Get yourself on the apps and date someone else while you wait to meet this one.