What makes people like this? Us or them?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Noticed a few threads recently about users.

Men who make a whole big thing of paying for the first date then get cobby if you dont split the second date to the penny. Or who are Gods gift until their feet are under the table and then the new partner is suddenly doing all the parenting of his kids. The "sulkers" thread about transactional relationships. "Friends" who only want you to look after their kids and dont actually care about you other than as free child care.

Is it them just being takers? Or is it partly our fault for wanting to be the partner/friend we think they would be to us if we needed them?

I am so cynical these days that I will do one favour, but ask me for another and I start to wonder. I have been used so often. Friend who was my childs Godmother happily let me mind her child when she went back to work and I was a SAHM but when she had a party didnt invite me and asked me to babysit her kid!

I do wonder, was it my fault for being kind or hers for being a selfish taker?

And I hate that these people have made me question everything, I dont simply do a favour anymore, I overthink and keep a list of favours. That doesnt feel to me like something that I should do, but I am now doing it.

I think the more you go through life interacting with people you realise how so many of them are needy, dishonest, fake, insecure, grabby, selfish, immoral and generally fucked up. The answer is to learn discernment and only trust over time and experience. Value and stick with those good folks who make it through.

Very true.

Had an experience today and then read about the woman who is free childcare for her friend and who isnt even invited to the whole wedding and it made me think.

The person who asked me for a favour is a taker and when I said no, called me selfish and uncaring. I dont even consider her a friend, we barely interact but we swapped numbers once for some reason. Perhaps she has run out of her usual supply of suckers!

I remind myself people who view other people as means to an end are actually really empty and sad inside. It might seem like sometimes they get whst they want or 'win' in a situation. But really it's sad. They are very alone because they can't truly love or feel connected to people... they can't take joy from someone's friendship and interaction.
In fact its why they do what they do.. because they feel hard done by and want 'something' It's a dark worldview they have. Don't envy them.
I'd rather have been used than be a user. At least I genuinely trust and like people and can feel close to them.

it's worth remembering that when people say you are selfish, it's always because they want you to do something unreasonable and they are in fact. the selfish ones. Always.

There are good and bad people but I am in control of what I do for people so if I say no if I dont want too, I dont need to complicate it or create weird back stories I just use the word no

I take people as I find them I dont assume all people are very good or very bad there is good and bad in everyone so I take people as I find them and go from there

Some people are just selfish and self absorbed and don’t think. Others I think have quite a transactional view of relationships and expect to get stuff in return for doing things.

You see this all the time on these friendships threads. “I invited her son to a play date: she didn’t sit next to me at the PTA meeting. Why doesn’t she like me?”

I am always surprised by how many people see relationships through this lens; that you are “owed” friendship because you have done something etc.

This is just an extension of that: people who lack empathy and can’t envisage others as separate to them with their own lives, feelings and concerns.

I think your radar improves the older you get, too.

Most of us have been taken as mugs at times… some more than others… and you hone your spidey senses along the way.

As you get older, you tolerate less sh*te too

#grumpyoldwoman 😁

I have zero tolerance doe anyone or anything I don't like, want or need and I wont put up with any kind of crap.

I must radiate that vibe as I rarely come across any users or ne'er do wells and if I do they are quickly given the short shrift.

It saddens me when I see women on here desperately clinging to a relationship where the man has no respect for her or a poster who lets other people walk all over them whether it be a school mum, a neighbour or their sister.

If you go through life as a limp lettuce or spineless jellyfish then you will get treated badly.

Set boundaries, speak up and don't tolerate any nonsense right from the start and dump, drop, block and ignore anyone who doesn't respect you or treat you well.