NC family

[coralpinkduckegg]

I'm considering going no contact with a toxic family who make me feel like crap. But maybe I just need some perspective so AIBU do your worst: Im going to try and be as objective as possible.

My eldest brothers daughter, my darling niece, is getting married. I am six months pregnant and stressed and as big as a house. I also have a toddler and I am exhausted.

Tuesday I get a text from mum:
"Can you come to mine between 3-5 on Thursday. I need your help"
I reply "Mum what do you need help with? I'm working and then I have the nursery run. Can DH help?"
DH texts her: "What did you need help with? I'm at work on Thursday but can come to yours for 6.45"
"Nothing. Don't worry" comes reply from mum.

Today I get a text from my brother.
"Are you coming tomorrow to meet fiancés parents?"

Turns out mum has arranged for DN, fiancé, and mother and father in law to come round for tea tomorrow, a Thursday, at 5.30. We would be meeting the parents for the first time.

"No, that's the first I'm hearing this is about that. I said I can't as I'm working and then doing nursery pick up"
"Mum said you can come at 6 so come then."
"No I'm not taking part in this, this is a mind game"
"That's not my issue, I would have thought you would bother to come just for DDs sake"
"DD will be fine."

Later this evening I get a text from mum:
"I thought you were coming so I've told them to come after 5.30 as they are so keen to meet you. We will wait for you."

So now I'm under pressure to haul my pregnant arse from work, do nursery pick up, take tired, unfed and irritable toddler to mums and make small talk with people. I just want to escape from all of this - there is a new thing like this every week and I'm so tired.

Mum has lied to the in laws to say I'm coming, I kind of just feel like letting her deal with the repercussions of her lies.

AIBU to just not go? AIBU to go NC? Can't take much more of this to be honest.

No, it doesn’t work for you. The constant drip method might work, same answer every time. “No, work, nursery pick up then its tea and bedtime routine” “ No it won’t work for me” and just repeat.
The fiancés parents aren’t going anywhere are they ? If not they can meet you any time. Pregnancy, work and a child plus a home is more than enough for you.

I would go home, feed toddler first and either go on your own or take them with you after that for just a cuppa. This feels really important to them and they want you there. Just show your face towards the end. Take heart from it. Better to have a family who want you than one that does not want you at all - as mine doesn't. Unless there is a massive back story, this is not grounds for walking away.

@coralpinkduckegg why didnt she say what it was when you asked her instead of sending you on the roundabout?? that would drive me nuts! midweek intoduction to prospective family in law is unusual!!

It sounds utterly exhausting; I don’t know why she didn’t tell you outright what the plan was.

I would definitely keep setting boundaries and sticking to them. You have no obligation to attend this meeting on Thursday, especially when your mum was so weird and underhand about it. Stick to your guns.

Even if you go NC only temporarily, it could be what they need to get the message.

To meet your niece's fiancés parents? Not sure that even counts as family from OPs perspective?

Posted early....
To go NC though, there must be much more to this surely?

It's just this kind of underhanded cloak and dagger stuff constantly, this is one example of so many. There's a new one every week

I don't get why you meeting your DN in-laws to be is seen to be so important?

Do you spend a lot of time with your DN and her partner?

YANBU.
They're not even your inlaws.
Are they really that excited to meet you?

Why would you need to meet your niece’s in laws? Weird.

I 100% wouldn’t go and have done just that in the past - not gone to things FIL tried to force me into to make him look good. NC would be extreme with solely this issue but am assuming there’s a massive backstory of course.

I can get that. It's really tiring dealing with the manufactured drama constantly. I would err more towards the "grey rock" approach and disengage.

I think you are being unreasonable
It doesn't sound like mind games or lies...just a misunderstanding and miscommunication.
My mum forgets who she has told stuff all the time and texts never make sense.

Having the aunt meet the fiancé's parents is not something we would do to be fair. But ignoring the misunderstanding you have been invited to tea so I would just go.

@HisNibs yep - this was my attempt at grey rocking

Exactly. Every event is a three line whip, I really don't need to be there - but she didn't have to lie to them or to me

Just stick to your guns. You are the manager of your time. Have had the same issue with DF and had to make him learn the hard way.

Manipulation and triangulation. Putting herself in the centre of things in order to control everyone. Exhausting. And sadly not likely to improve.

Have a read of the new book "You're not the problem" by the wonderful psychotherapists Helen Villiers & Kutie McKenna.

Have a look at the Stately homes thread, it is very helpful

@coralpinkduckegg hey, just being nosey and wondering what happened?