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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a date?

43 replies

maz2003 · 15/05/2024 20:31

I joined a gym about 9 months ago. I immediately became friends with someone who worked there on the basis we had mutual friends. The friendship developed quickly and has been slightly flirty on his part. I do fancy him but have remained less obvious (I think) in the flirting dept. There are always people about, and it’s his place of work. We have had episodes of intense messaging and getting to know each other but nothing else has happened.
I bumped into him last week and we had a conversation in private.
Later that day he sent a message asking if I had time to meet him for coffee at “some point soon”.
I replied agreeing. I really like him. AIBU that this is a date or have I totally misread this. (It’s been 20 plus years since I went on a date.)

OP posts:
CroftonWillow · 15/05/2024 20:32

Yes he's asking you out.

Lmnop22 · 15/05/2024 20:34

I would say this is a date! If he’s being flirty and he wants to see you outside of the gym which is your only common place at the moment then that’s a date!

StormingNorman · 15/05/2024 20:35

Girlfriend got a date!

ShrubRose · 15/05/2024 21:19

It does sound like a date, but it's an awfully slow burn. And there's something just that bit unusual about messaging you after the private conversation - almost as if he had to think about it.
You're quite sure he's unattached ... ?

Original poster
maz2003 · 15/05/2024 21:23

ShrubRose · 15/05/2024 21:19

It does sound like a date, but it's an awfully slow burn. And there's something just that bit unusual about messaging you after the private conversation - almost as if he had to think about it.
You're quite sure he's unattached ... ?

The whole thing has been ultra slow burn compared to what I was used to 20 yrs ago. I find the messaging thing frustratingly slow. There is plausible deniability in all the written messages too. They are always just the right side of the line, which I find slightly odd for someone so publicly flirty.

OP posts:
ShrubRose · 15/05/2024 21:35

maz2003 · 15/05/2024 21:23

The whole thing has been ultra slow burn compared to what I was used to 20 yrs ago. I find the messaging thing frustratingly slow. There is plausible deniability in all the written messages too. They are always just the right side of the line, which I find slightly odd for someone so publicly flirty.

Show quote history

Yes, I would keep a weather eye on this one, OP.

I hope it's something good for you, but it's a bit hard to know. Time will tell.

theonlygirl · 15/05/2024 21:41

uuumm I'm not sure this is a date OP. It might lead to something but I'd definitely just be treating this as a coffee. But fingers crossed it progresses if you'd like it to.

LittleMonks11 · 15/05/2024 21:43

We will soon find out!

YankeeDad · 15/05/2024 21:48

If he works at your gym, then he has to tread very cautiously around making any advances towards you, because if at any stage you are unhappy with him, you would have the ability to go to his management, and complain that he behaved inappropriately, and he could be fired.

This does not imply that you would do that, but he did put himself in a vulnerable position vis-a-vis his employer just by inviting you for coffee.

If you like him, then go for coffee with him, be somewhat open about liking him, and if you want him to be more forward with you, then give him at least some sign that this would be welcome. You can be direct and light at the same time. Or if it fits your vibe, just ask him out yourself for the second date.

Sagarmatha · 15/05/2024 21:48

It had better be a date. I need some excitement in my life!

Original poster
maz2003 · 15/05/2024 22:03

YankeeDad · 15/05/2024 21:48

If he works at your gym, then he has to tread very cautiously around making any advances towards you, because if at any stage you are unhappy with him, you would have the ability to go to his management, and complain that he behaved inappropriately, and he could be fired.

This does not imply that you would do that, but he did put himself in a vulnerable position vis-a-vis his employer just by inviting you for coffee.

If you like him, then go for coffee with him, be somewhat open about liking him, and if you want him to be more forward with you, then give him at least some sign that this would be welcome. You can be direct and light at the same time. Or if it fits your vibe, just ask him out yourself for the second date.

Privately I have tried to give the “I’m interested vibe” but I appreciate it’s maybe confusing for him as I tend to run away when there are prying eyes.
For a while I tried to counter this by initiating messages but I accept that I am withholding for fear of making a tit of myself at the gym/rejection. I have lost a lot of weight and have improved my fitness and he has been very supportive. He followed a similar path- reached middle age and reinvented himself- and that was the starting point for this friendship and lots of other remarkable similarities in our lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
maz2003 · 15/05/2024 22:04

Sagarmatha · 15/05/2024 21:48

It had better be a date. I need some excitement in my life!

🤣🤣
I will be sad if it’s not! And embarrassed!

OP posts:
MoonKiss · 15/05/2024 22:05

I love these threads. You are now legally obliged to keep us updated forever.

ShrubRose · 15/05/2024 22:07

MoonKiss · 15/05/2024 22:05

I love these threads. You are now legally obliged to keep us updated forever.

😂😂😂

NewMe2024 · 15/05/2024 22:08

YankeeDad · 15/05/2024 21:48

If he works at your gym, then he has to tread very cautiously around making any advances towards you, because if at any stage you are unhappy with him, you would have the ability to go to his management, and complain that he behaved inappropriately, and he could be fired.

This does not imply that you would do that, but he did put himself in a vulnerable position vis-a-vis his employer just by inviting you for coffee.

If you like him, then go for coffee with him, be somewhat open about liking him, and if you want him to be more forward with you, then give him at least some sign that this would be welcome. You can be direct and light at the same time. Or if it fits your vibe, just ask him out yourself for the second date.

100% this. It’s a stealth date.

Original poster
maz2003 · 15/05/2024 22:11

MoonKiss · 15/05/2024 22:05

I love these threads. You are now legally obliged to keep us updated forever.

🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
maz2003 · 15/05/2024 22:15

NewMe2024 · 15/05/2024 22:08

100% this. It’s a stealth date.

Show quote history

My gut feeling was this. I feel there is maximum deniability for him if it goes pear shaped. I understand the risk to his livelihood.

OP posts:
Original poster
maz2003 · 19/05/2024 16:43

Update, or rather lack of update. Think I totally misread this. No actual time/date has been set, one week on. So much for getting my knickers in a twist. Why do this- say let’s have coffee and then leave it hanging? Anyway, at least I know. Thank you all for your advice and support! 💕

OP posts:
GalileoHumpkins · 19/05/2024 16:48

When he asked if you were free at some point soon why didn't you say, yes, are free next whichever day worked for you? Lobbing the ball back into each others court is getting you nowhere.

ShrubRose · 19/05/2024 17:38

@maz2003
Why do this - say let’s have coffee and then leave it hanging?

Thanks for updating us, OP.
The answer to the above is we don't know. There was always a bit of noise in the system - the slow burn, the asking if you were available for coffee after you met and not when you were chatting together.

We don't know what people have in their lives or in their feelings, and people don't always know their own feelings.
I think I would just act naturally, see what, if anything, might happen, and basically rewind the clock to enjoy the gym and the friendship.
x

Original poster
maz2003 · 19/05/2024 17:40

I said yes and was flexible most day apart from Tues… and that’s where it’s hanging. But agree for future encounters I need to be specific. Totally out of the game. I used to be good at this.

OP posts:
MirrorMirror1247 · 19/05/2024 17:43

Why not message him, something along the lines of " so when are we getting this coffee we talked about?". That's what I'd do, anyway.

ShrubRose · 19/05/2024 17:47

@maz2003 I said yes and was flexible most day apart from Tues…

Then it fell to him to say, "OK, how about ... "
You didn't need to be pinpoint specific - it wasn't a doctor's appointment!

Lurkingandlearning · 19/05/2024 17:51

There is plausible deniability in all the written messages too.

That makes me think he is involved with someone else and wanting to meet so he can gauge whether he could have you as a side chick

Original poster
maz2003 · 19/05/2024 18:30

MirrorMirror1247 · 19/05/2024 17:43

Why not message him, something along the lines of " so when are we getting this coffee we talked about?". That's what I'd do, anyway.

I think it’s a dead duck now. It’s def not a date. I don’t think I will pursue.

OP posts:
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