DD friend is toxic

[Purplemertle]

So DD in middle of GCSEs, is not naturally academic so has to work. Friend seems to be one that's doesn't need to revise, work and openly brags how well she will do compared to DD. Have tried to minimise contact but friend is obviously bored so clicked fingers and DD comes running. So much so she is now doing nothing, and will no doubt suffer for it. We've tried talking, then shouting then anything to get through to DD, because friend will drop as soon as...(happened before). Friend is not good influence and when she's in picture, DD becomes sullen, rude, argumentative. I tried talking to friends mum, who basically thinks it's funny and said oh well, if it goes wrong then lesson learnt. Which I find an awful attitude, but it's not her DD that is going to suffer.
I really don't know what else to do. I'm not sleeping I'm so worried for her. Friend is manipulative and criticises our parenting and encourages DD to make some terrible choices.

What are their plans for next year? Will they still be together?
As for GCSEs, I’m not sure how much value there is in cramming at this stage. If she has worked hard for the last two years then she should be ok. If you are really concerned then could you try bribery or asking a trusted aunt/older cousin/teacher to have a word.
Probably the more you speak against this girl the more your DD will want to spend time with her - I remember being the same with a boyfriend at that age.

They have never been at school together, we were luckily on border for 2 schools. But live close so hence still in touch. DD has suffered with MH and self harm, and honestly believe this "friend" has fuelled alot of it. When DD starts a new friendship group, it's clear that "friend" will undermine it. We've tried bribery, that helped at the start but that's fallen by the way, and we have no close family. School has been unsupportive which hasn't helped. Just so fed up at her being pulled down constantly, and fear she will regret so much when this girl gets bored of her again.

Can you hire her a tutor or mentor that she looks up to? Someone older and cool that can sit with her and help her study and also inspire her? Someone successful?

We tried to persuade her to do that months ago, without success. She agreed to counseling, and that was going well, coincided with "friend" being disinterested in her. It's just gone downhill in 3 weeks since on exam leave, and friend is obviously bored and DD easy pickings.

Dreading summer as won't even have excuse of her being at home revising. This girl is feral most of the time, she gets away with so much as she comes across sweetness and light.

Can you take your daughter overseas on an extended holiday? Somewhere remote? There must be something.

I understand the worry, but you are focusing on the wrong thing in my opinion.

Your daughter is who she is. We all hope for ideal conditions in which our children can flourish, but realistically part of the reason some children achieve certain things, and others struggle more , is that they are more capable of filtering out external influences and focus on their own goals.

There are parents who intentionally stifle their children's freedom to live as they would choose to, by having a stricter parenting style, but this option isn't risk free.

Your daughter's emotional maturity level will determine how capable she is to make decisions at the moment which will impact on her future. School exams partially reflect intelligence, but there will be plenty of clever children who choose to not study for whatever reason, and the results of said exams will be on par with less capable, but more dedicated students. That's life.

You know the best approach to take with your daughter but this other "friend" is simply part of life, in the same way that she might have had a set back for any number of reasons, at this stage in her life.

You can help her achieve certain exam results, if she is willing, by helping organise her study sessions, or even possibly getting someone( you, relative, tutor) to go through work with her, but at the end of the day, if she needs help with self esteem, then working on this will be more beneficial in the long run, and will help her in all aspects of her life.

Seriously, or is this funny to you ???? We haven't had a holiday for 7 years, I doubt we could stretch to a weekend in Southend. I struggled to pay private counselling for her and would go into some debt but that's hardly realistic. We work hard to keep up with mortgage, neither me or DH are in well paid jobs. We moved 6 years ago to try and make life better but it costs.

i would ground her until exams are done. Sorry to say but it's abit late now anyway, cramming doesn't help anything

Ah, I was the unruly, "bad influence" friend once as a teen. Making my friend go out at all hours, plying her with drugs and drink, making her depressed, making her be rude to her mother.

I wasn't though. My "friend" was using me as a cover for a friendship group she didn't want her mum knowing about. She'd stopped seeing me entirely (and I've never taken drugs or went out, haha! I was at home alone reading books) Her mum saw the effects on her daughter, but attributed it to me because she thought I was who her daughter was seeing. I only found out about all this from her mum talking to mine.. as far as I know, her mum never realised it wasn't me. My mum didn't want to get involved after I explained I knew nothing about it, and didn't like her new friends. This was all before social media, so was easier to avoid people!

I'm not saying this is happening with your daughter OP, of course not - however I would like to say place the responsibility where it belongs, and that's on your daughter. She is in control of herself and her actions. There are plenty of things in the world that could affect her negatively, its up to her to respond appropriately. You need to talk to your daughter about her behaviours, not about her friends.

Sorry OP, that sounds tough.

I do have to speak up in favour of cramming though :D I'm autistic and have obtained high grades in GCEs, A levels and BSc exams, all thanks to cramming 😂 depends on the person I think!

If this has kicked off again since study leave began, I'm wondering if your DD is having trouble focusing on study without the structure of the school day? So is more susceptible to being influenced by the other girl? Akin to 'self sabotage '?

In which case, maybe try a structured day?

Re the summer- encourage her to get a summer job.

I agree that cramming can be productive, so if your daughter settles down now it can help her grades. Can you get her to agree to try? If not, is it possible to ground her till exams are over - while you can't make her learn, it would reduce the impact of her toxic friend.

I understand, but surely the role of a parent is to help your child flourish. I'm not talking a out just academically. We have never been super strict with her but tried to instill some self worth and being respectful, but this "friend" is so arrogant that she openly criticises us and DD, undermining at every turn. She is allowed to do whatever she wants with no consequences, (her family are much better off than us). My DH cannot stand her coming to our house anymore, but I'd rather have DD here as there are no boundaries at her house. To watch your DD go through pain is trully awful, but DD can't see the damage this friend causes.

DD was doing quite well and had organised herself into a routine. Then phonecall, friend bored and all goes to pot and is mocked and criticised for working. And it is relentless. She had developed another friendship group but since this began again has not spoken to any of them because "friend" doesn't like them/ it. So she's becoming isolated again.
I've spoken to her about trying to get a summer job but she told friend, who obviously doesn't want that and said only a loser has to work.

I would echo others saying don't assume the friend is the one always in the wrong.

I know it is difficult but your hand-wringing approach will just seem like criticism to your DD (as every bloody thing does with teenagers) and criticism is the last thing that will get her to take you seriously. You haven't said whether DD is wise to the friend's behaviour or not - YES you've told her but does she think it herself? If she doesn't think it, the more you nag about it the more she's going to think you don't trust her to make choices and the worse she'll feel about herself. So I think you need to back off as the most practical solution.

I don't assume DD is angel, she's not. But when her whole personality changes when she's with this one person it is obvious. She won't hear a bad word said against "friend", she is perfect, cool , the best. I'm trying hard not to point out the toxic nature of the relationship but it's hard. If this was a boyfriend I'd be saying it's controlling.

I agree with you that this friend is toxic. I also agree with other posters that you have to back off a bit. GSCEs are the first time for young people where their choices have a serious outcome, that said if she doesn't do as well as expected, there are resits and other options post 16.

Don't let her see how much the friend gets to you. You can say 'She's bad for your mental health, you know she'll drop you again. What do you think that will feel like?' in a gentle, curious way. It might make her start thinking.
Likewise with the 'jobs are for losers' comment. Do her parents work? What a silly thing to say. Take the friends power away but showing that you think she's a bit of an idiot. Plus say to your daughter that if she chooses not to look for a job, she'll be bored and have no money. And stick to it.

It is very very common for teens to say that they don't work and revise and mock those who do.

Quite a lot of those who say it are in fact working very hard at home and not letting people know.

It is quite a toxic attitude but you will come across it everywhere so changing school or whatever is unlikely to help,

At your DD's age she cares much more about fitting in with her peers and having friends than she does about doing what her mum wants.

You need to step back and get smarter. The traditional strategies for dealing with this:

Get your DD busy. So once exams are over start trying to find activities she would like to do. Join cadets, take up a sport, start D of E, anything,

Get her away from the friend - visiting family independently, maybe an auntie or uncle, grandparents.

Start thinking about what career she wants - does she want work experience? She might be motivated to do a summer job if you can find one her friends are also doing.

My post wasn’ta joke, it was a suggestion. I don’t know your personal circumstances. Chill out.