Child Maintenance and what the ex actually does?

[LurkingAndVenting]

AIBU where my ex ....

(1) He works a job where he can't be contacted between the hours of 7.30am - 5.30pm ... so anything that goes on with our 2 children, I have to address since I'm the one with more flexible working?

(2) Takes both children from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. He provides them with all the meals between Friday night tea and Sunday lunch. For the purposes of Child Maintenance, he wants to count those as 2 full days.

(3) He asks to take one child on a Tuesday, where that child has had tea from me. And then he drops that child off in the morning, where that child has not had breakfast (never mind, all the school runs are left to me).

(4) He asked to take the other child on a Wednesday, where that child does get tea from his, but then the next morning, the child is dropped off with me to sort out breakfast (and school run, etc that morning).

My ex seems to want to count Child Maintenance as strictly where one child, or the other child, or both are sleeping at his. However, my ex does not at all participate in school runs, all the phone calls or emails from school daily (the nature of his job is that he can't).

So for Child Maintenance purposes, where now my ex wants to switch to Child Maintenance -- what's fair there?

CMS are only interested in overnight stays. There are different bands. I believe the first one is 52 nights.

If the DC are there overnight CMS will count that as a full day and reduce maintenance as such and that can't be changed. He should be doing the school run the following morning though or paying for childcare if he can't.

Like PPs have said CMS count overnights. This is regardless of who feeds the DCs or pays for anything else.

Yup, the overnights count.

But I don't understand why you would agree to let him have the DC separately.

I also would simply not agree to overnights where he only does the sleeping part. So unless he's going to collect from school (or arrange chidlcare), feed the children, provide breakfast and take to school (or organise childcare) I would tell him he can't have them overnight in the week, and CMS would be impacted accordingly.

Why is he getting every weekend with them, I would be changing that, its not fair. You get all the day to day drudge of school and homework and rushing and he gets all the fun relaxed weekend time. Every other weekend or split the weekend. And I wouldnt be around to take them to school on 'his' days, if has them overnight during the week, great thats a chance for you to leave the house early yourself. Dont be so accommodating. And yes CMS count overnights in bands.

He’s right as far as the CMS is concerned.

Sounds to me like his aim is to 1) pay the minimum in child maintenance by making it look like 50/50 with the overnight stays and 2) avoid actually parenting properly. Why isn’t he sorting breakfast and doing the school run ( using breakfast club/ wraparound care if needed), instead of dropping back at yours? He’s taking the p* .

He’s “right”, but the CMS is an arse and your ex is a prize tosser. Sadly the voting does not permit this option.

Its because I'm not from the UK and I didn't know.

So yours and so many other's comments here have been incredibly helpful!

Totally this. My understanding is only over nights count so l wouldn’t let him count it how he wants to

He is trying to pull the wool over your eyes (and have the least hassle and least maintenance costs)

The above is all great feedback. So for mid-weeks, he doesn't get to have the kids over ... even when he tries to compel me that, "It would be good to see them." and I am also heartened where I thought enough wasn't being done on his side, mid-week and it is his responsibility to sort out tea, breakfast and school runs mid-week, if he wants to see his kids then.

All the feedback here has been very helpful and I thank you for your time there.

Child maintenance is calculated separately for each child. So if he has one child one night midweek, he still has to pay for the other.

It's not fair on the children, or you, to drop them off at yours without breakfast and then expect you to take them to school. It's disruptive. Equally, if they are young it's not fair for them to come home to you and then go to his. It's just confusing and unsettling.

Unless he has a very exceptional job he should still have an emergency contact number. If you are unavailable during the day and a child is poorly, he would need to go and get them.

I have an ex and tend to do almost all the daytime stuff because I amswer my phone and he doesn't. It's frustrating

What’s fair?
nights are cheap. When negotiating the schedule, I would require full days responsibility, including covering anything that happens during the school day and all expenses for the day. Otherwise maintenance will calculate it as a parenting day for the NRP, but the RP will be stuck will all the costs both direct and in terms of career.

remember that plenty of women with big important careers still manage to be the primary parent. Dad’s are not immune to having to make adjustments to their work or career trajectory in order to be available to their children.

you also should not be giving up every weekend. You should get fun days with the children too.

Just say 'If you want them during the week you need to feed them and drop them at school'. Then take other dc and go for breakfast and ignore his call.

Sounds like he is doing it to reduce cm. No dinner, no breakfast, no homework support, just a bed is setting the bar very low.

Sorry I meant that if he wants them a night in the week, he does the whole kit and caboodle, sorts out after-school care, feeds them, does their homework with them, sorts their clothes out for next morning, breakfast and lunch for the school day and dropping at school.
Or he takes them out if he wants to see them without all the faff, but returns for bedtime.

I am so grateful for all of the advice given! 🙏

It is highly unlikely a court would award him every weekend. You are entitled to some quality time too.

I'd consider applying for a CAO to put it on a more formal footing. You are not his default nanny and it's not your responsibility to facilitate his job.