End of tether with DS

[kcchiefette]

I co parent a 7 year old DS with my ex husband. Ex husband still lives at home with his mum.

DS has a good relationship with his dad and granny. He usually spends 2 nights per week with his dad.

He wanted to spend more nights recently at his dads house. This came out of the blue all of a sudden. At first, I tried fighting it, but recently I had just let him go up to his dads/granny's house as I thought it was a phase that would pass and they were agreeable to it.

This was weeks ago now and its causing disruption to my day and I am getting concerned about DS behaviour.

He is now crying and getting upset at school if he knows its a day he is staying with me, telling his teachers etc that he misses his dad. He did this with the childminder as well until she called his dad to pick him up.

His dad works early shifts and the days he's stayed up there, before work, I have had to detour, pick up DS then take him to school which is affecting my morning/work schedule.

I feel incredibly unwanted. Any time he is with me, all he talks about is missing his dad or he cries and screams.

I take him out park, for walks along with dog, I have bought him every games console etc that he has at his dads and try to engage with him on it, but he isnt receptive of me and tells me to go away.

I am om the verge of just telling his dad to swap. I will pay child maintenance and he can deal with all the primary parent stuff (childcare fees, school fees, clothing, etc) because I cant keep going on like this.

AIBU to think like this?

No advice, just a hopeful bump

Thank you 😊

What does your exh suggest? Have you spoken to him about it? He might offer to have DS during the week and you have him every other weekend and take him out for a meal one night during the week possibly with sleepover on that night.

In the circumstances I would talk to your ex.

Can you try and get to the bottom of why he wants to see his dad?

Failing that, I'd let him have what he wants but I wouldn't be doing the morning school run.

That must be so difficult hun. What's the relationship like with your ex? Can you have a reasonable conversation with him about what's in the best interests for your DS.

Does DS have more freedom with Dad? You usually find that's why they want to be there. This is nothing against you as a Mum. Kids are crafty and will always do what's in their best interests (although they're far too young to truly understand what they are!).

I'd recommend speaking to your ex first to try and come up with a solution then if you can, all three of you sit down together to discuss how to move forward.

Sending hugs.

I'd talk this over with your ex. If you can both be civil and do what is best for DS then maybe a period of time with DS spending more time with dad might be for the best - give him chance to also miss you. My DDs desire to see her dad waxes and wanes - sometimes she really wants to see him lots and at other times she is less interested. We are quite flexible and she spends more or less time with him depending on how DD is feeling.

Try not to be disheartened or upset that your son is currently feeling a desire for more dad. It is very likely that the pendulum will swing back, particularly if he does get to see more of his dad.

It would be useful to work out why he wants to be there. Is it extra attention, good he prefers, getting his own way, something completely different? I think his behaviour of fussing at school and with the childminder is unusual.

Thanks all

We know why he wants to be up there more. He has friends from school live on the same street so he plays outside with them. At my house, he doesnt have any friends to play with as the ones he used to play with moved house. I also live in a worse area than them in a council estate so its not as safe to let him roam around on his own.

Because of this, I do try to be out of the house more on trips, or engage with him more for 1-1 time but he craves the attention of other children.

Theres literally nothing I can do at the moment though, I am saving to move house but it is going to take years.

That's a fairly clear reason at least.

Could you arrange a set up whereby he goes to grans/dads after school most days and you pick him up later?

That way he gets what he wants - social time with people his age.

I would start arranging fun sleepovers, play dates, camping in the garden and invite all of his friends to your house. Some real effort is needed now to ensure he isn’t lonely at your house and starts to associate it with fun and happy times.

I just wanted to say that I was like your son - my parents divorced when I was six, I was a total daddy’s girl and I gave my mother absolute hell about not wanting to be with her/wanting to be with him.

he was actually a pretty useless father, but there were no rules at his house and I was allowed to do whatever and was massively spoilt (I suspect this was all done on purpose to spite my mother and to get me to want custody).

anyways it settled down and eventually I was fine to be with my mother. Just to give perspective it’s not you, it’s probably just the fun with friends there and will end up fine x

At least you know he is being well cared for and is happy there. It's not personal, he has more friends there, the house is nicer. You will always be his mum and have his back. How long ago was the separation?

We separated when he was just over 2 so it was a while ago!

He's always been a mummy's boy so I think its taken me by surprise.

I had a chat with his dad and told him that I was no longer willing to facilitate letting him stay if either him or his mum cant take him to school anymore - so that has taken the rest of the week out of consideration.

Dealt with insane crying and sobbing because he couldn't stay with his dad tonight to the point DS couldn't speak etc and it was all quite distressing. He seems really tired so he's getting a nice warm bath and an early night for school tomorrow

His dad has treated and continues to treat me appalling. Just over a year ago I had to call the police and get his dad arrested for blackmail.

His dad has been a really nasty person towards me and our relationship was incredibly volatile.

He doesnt really buy him anything, such as clothes for his house and its seemingly the granny does all that. We will see how things play out once his dad moves out which will be in the next lot of months. He wont be spoiled there like he is at his granny's.

Il go against the grain and say that I think if you give up now then you're signing him over to his dad for life.

If you aren't abusive and you're a good mum, no, I don't think son does get to pick and choose. He needs clear, enforced boundaries and regular, consistent time with you both.

Messing around with before school/early pick ups doesn't sound ideal either fir his sleep and not rushing in the morning.

Can you organise play dates at your house to mitigate the no friends situation?

Yeh / there you go! Sounds like my father. It’s good news if the spoiling will come to an end too.

ultimately ex is a dick and you are a wonderful mother, clearly, and you are a constant for him, in your love and attitude (eg you’re not playing silly buggers and trying to buy him round).

therefore in the end you will “win” your son back, because that’s what children really need.

and don’t forget children always have their big feelings etc around the parent they are closest too, because they feel safest with them.

shitty for you though and I’m sorry x

So maybe your ex is poisoning your son? It seems obvious to me.
Do not give away your contact time, stick with it op.

Your son’s hysterical sobbing makes me think that things are definitely not okay, is he afraid of his father? Is he being put under pressure? This doesn’t sound right to me at all.

Could your ex be bad mouthing you, or even playing up to how he misses ds when hes not with him etc and playing with ds' emotions?

Agree with PPs I would suspect ex is saying some stuff that’s upsetting him, for sure